Poem? ...advice?

Question

Blatant, hollow beauty,

You've slithered down my back.

Fooling all unfortunate beings,

That may have fallen in your path.

Jealous, rampant imperfections,

You've dug your way inside.

I'd like to see you bleed sterling silver,

Those flaws can't be hard to hide.

I can't spend years waiting,

On things that just won't come.

And I can't spend my life wondering,

If you'd approve of the things I've done.

Darling, your sweet lies

lead to our bitter goodbyes,

And your generic smile

Left me stumbling down the aisle.

The rain falls down,

Like a million reasons

To come back inside.

The rain floods around me,

like one big reminder

of all the tears I've cried.

Answer 1

wow, i gave u a star, its really really good, i LOVE your last 2 ideas of rain as the million reason sand the flood a reminder of your tears, i love this part alot alot, lol

Answer 2

I am in love with your poem, it is so good. I am not so keen on this bit -  

Darling, your sweet lies

lead to our bitter goodbyes,

And your generic smile

Left me stumbling down the aisle.

But that is merely because it just seemed to rhyme too much compared to the rest of your poem, the ideas themselves are great though for that bit, like I said, just a bit too rhymy (lol, I know that isn't a word) compared to the rest of the poem, as if they don't quite fit.

I especially love the bit about the rain, well done :)

P.s. now that you have swapped the lines around I think it sounds much better :) Good work!

Answer 3

i like it

<3

Answer 4

Touching and deep keep it up.

Answer 5

the aisle part seems like just a reason to rhyme. try like cuz of you im not versatile or tell me was this really worthwhile

Answer 6

Really? you are 14? This is really a good poem. Far above the wisdom one might thing of someone your age. Very impressive. Personally I have to give you an a+. I think it is very good.

Answer 7

That is bloody brilliant. I love it. You really have a rare talent, wow! Don't change a thing, please1