Question:

Poem by me. Like? Dislike? Horrible Disaster or Okay Piece of Writing?

by  |  earlier

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So here is as a poem I wrote.

Just as a little note before you read, this poem is not LITERAL, which means, no body parts were hacked off or cut before, during, or after the writing of this. Just thought I'd let everyone know that I am not an angst ridden teenager. I write all genres of poetry and enjoy life.

But anyway, here it is.

Makeshift Mouth

Staring into the shattered mirror,

I see no hopes or dreams,

only a refection--mine.

A distorted image of myself.

For this cannot truely be my face.

However, this glimmering,

broken girl is me.

But something isn’t right.

I have no mouth.

Reaching my fingers

to an object on the counter,

a tear falls from the eyes of a girl,

who for sixteen years

I have lived with,

but never really known.

The small object is now poised, ready.

Its smooth, shiny surface gleams

by the light of the bathroom.

A dangerous sign of expression.

The initial shock of the cool blade

against my skin,

hurts worse than the cut itself.

Strange irony.

Warm blood flows,

taking with it years of bottled words.

I keep cutting, slicing, hacking,

feeling my pulse quicken; my mind race.

Exhilerated, I put the blade down

and gaze at my reflection.

"Free."

Its my first word.

Its also what I now am--

my definition.

No longer must I feel

as if my reflection is distorted.

No longer do I have to live in silence;

censoring the thoughts and feelings

I have always been too afraid to share.

I no longer have to live without

the most important part of me.

I have a mouth.

True it is makeshift,

but it works all the same.

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13 ANSWERS


  1. wow that was good. im the same way too

    i write poems like that but i love my life


  2. Two areas of comment:

    1. Your poem: it's fine, it works, and it is perfectly understandable as a metaphor for "opening up".  It's a little on the poetic narrative side, almost prosody, but it stays on the side of poetry and is okay.  It has a raw quality that seems to go with the theme, so the voice is consistent.  You might want to add some punctuation, like, "true, it's makeshift, but it works all the same"...commas, contractions, etc., can help keep the context focused and adjust beats within a line so it keeps moving.

    2. There is a statement made in the bible...it has to do with throwing pearls before swine...the prolog to your poem made it perfectly clear that you were not a self-mutilator...and those who know poetry understand that poetic devices are myriad and "rhyming" is only one of them...and you asked for people to give you their opinions about your poem...so, don't try to educate those who took the time to reply to your question, even when you know their answer is coming from left field...just sit quietly back and sort the wheat from the chaff...it shows respect for those who answer your questions and allows you a chance to hear what people really think...regardless of their experience or knowledge...it's up to you to use those responses or ignore them...just don't argue with them...it's not worth it.

    ...and keep writing

  3. Amazingly written, flows eloquently, and although some may call it teen angst, I'd argue that it's written so well, it's sooo far from typical teen trash... I like it. Very nicley done!

    "Dont sound like a poem to me, sounds like someone is depressed"  

    WTF??????!?!?!?!?!!?! Where has that person been living? No, no one has ever written poetry about being sad before, not once... (sarcasm)...

    Deep, powerful, flowingly written poem. Write more, it's addictive!

  4. I think I would have liked it better if you had hacked off some body parts. MORE REALISM IN POETRY!

  5. doesnt rhyme like the DR.

  6. Dark, sad.  It's difficult to assess without knowing the inspiration.  If that happens to be you, you should seek therapy quickly.  If a friend, you might advise likewise. I hope it all works out.

  7. Don't sound like a poem to me....sounds like someone depressed. CALL 911

  8. It's okay for me, in my English 35 before (Poetry Writing), we have these what we called, meter, rhyme, timber. You should also organize if it will be in the form of stanza or a Haiku style (three lined poem with 8 meter) this makes more visually appealing. You should also create a definite subject and a predicate for a poem. A subject may run into an entire poem or each and every stanza in a poem.

    Try to reread go into particular details on how your reader would understand this, use figurative language(simile, hyperbolle...etc.) It's a nice to know  that people now a days still have this artistic ability to go over with emotions expressed in poems despite of this techie world.

    Anyway, I love poetry and all that pertains to literature that's why I had  a degree on it.

    All in all, I appreciate it.

  9. I'm no poet or poetry lover but as a concept and definition of being able to voice your opinions, thoughts etc this is very good.

    It is a little macabre but then I would guess that poetry doesn't have to be nice and flowery.

    Well done.

  10. TRUE PEICE OF WRITING!!

    d**n ITS GOOD!

  11. That was amazing!...It was powerful.

  12. not much of a poem reader, but i really liked it

  13. Er.. you spelled truly wrong... but aside from grammatical mistakes, i think it's rather deep. Keep it up.

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