Poem critique me? Very novice help?

Question

Snow white clouds

Dance an Indian Rain dance

Above my tiny head

I gaze in majesty sweet

As you tuck me into bed

Kiss me good night

He gets closer though

I feel him over the mountains

He said he will never be back

White and pure

You absorb my ignorance

Stupid am I

For dancing so different

He is nearing closer now

I brought him here

Let him rain and begone

Darkened as night

Yelling with boom

Sparks of light

Where are you?

I lay and submiss

Hit me today, Its ok

The weatherman will say

It will be partly cloudy tommorow

was going through my old poem book And found it and It really has me on a stump Whether or not to save it or pitch it. It doesn't have a good beat to it.. but .. I think i was trying to combine the Innocence of the clouds and it quickly changing with a husband/Wife who is abusive to her partner... I also think that i tried to emphasize that the wife Thought she was doing something wrong.. Like the Indians in their Rain dances?Plzhelp

Answer 1

Dude I love this poem,,, Great tripping on shrooms or LSD poem that you wrote here man cuz that is the only way I would understand this.

Answer 2

erhuhghh...i dont personally like it....but what ever floats youre boat

Answer 3

There is a sweet, innocent tone to the poem and I think that is a good quality about it.  Using "me," "you," and "he" is part of the confusion you have with it.  Keep it in first person or third person:  I  or He/She/They.  The description of the clouds brought a picture to my mind, so that was clear to me.  The words and tone of the poem seem to infer incest, though, because you are being tucked in bed and referring to purity (often used in writing about children) and then inference of nonconsenting sexual contact (he is coming close, let him be done and gone).  The last stanza needs some type of a drastic break from one idea to the other, maybe.  

These are merely suggestions.  I certainly am not an expert poet or author.  The emotions are what I tap into and they are not clearly defined in the poem as it is presented right now.  I think some editing may go a long way in bringing your meaning to the forefront and making an emotional impact on readers.

Answer 4

add more nature.it is a good poem