Poem critique?

Question

What was once of me

Radiant happy naive

I have since evolved

Dark cold wiser

Experience has been my mentor

Time, my shoulder

And as I look back on my path

Long behind leaving the budding rose bush

I look ahead

Into a fog that lies before my feet

I wonder

I turn to my mentor with no answer

I yearn for my shoulder too early

Lost scared in a fog of life

Eager to unravel my destiny

Uncertain of the direction of my first step

Answer 1

It's really wonderful.  I would offer that you perhaps could consider changing your fourth line to read

"darker, colder, wiser.

.............and to punctuate throughout.

Punctuation allows the reader to stop, to pause where you intended and renders the piece at full impact.   For instance:

What was once of me

radiant, happy, naieve,

I have since evolved

darker, colder, wiser.

Experience has been my mentor,

time, my shoulder.

And as I look back on my path,

long ago leaving behind the budding

rose bush,

I look ahead

into a fog that lies before my feet.

I wonder,

I turn to my mentor, with no answer,

I yearn for my shoulder too early.

Lost, scared; in a fog of life

eager to unreavel my destiny,

uncertain of the direction of my first step.

A fantastic poem indeed.  Very good work that only needs some punctuation to emphasize the power of it.

Have you thought of a title?  I would suggest:

"An Age of Uncertainty"

Answer 2

my path

Long behind leaving  budding rose bushes

I look ahead

Into the fog that lies before my feet

I wonder

I turn to my mentor

no answer

I yearn for my shoulder too early

Lost scared in a fog of life

Eager to unravel my destiny

Uncertain of the direction of my first step

Answer 3

thats great! i made a poem and i even turned it into a song. you should consider that. it's really amazing. it shows who you really are. and thats awesome :)

Answer 4

Good one.  I think this reflects all of our lives.  We just hate to admit it to each other because it seems so personal.  We all like the same things in our core.  We have just evolved to show the world what it wants to see because we're too frail to expose our true selves for fear of judgment, persecution, and ridicule.  Furthermore, it can be difficult to talk about these things with others if you perceive that they aren't really "getting" what you're saying, which results in you not really sounding very convincing to them and that makes you bottle everything up even tighter, making it your most important thing in life that you hold on to and hope to achieve... but you're not sure of which way to go first.

Yeah, I understand that completely.

Answer 5

definately. poem critics needed. by that not alot just a few punctuation marks here and there. Chow!