Poem good/bad?

Question

i wrote this for my health class. We had to do something to describe drugs, or whatever.

here:

His eyes are clouded

his mind crowded

he cannot think

all he does is blink

hi harsh words sting like bees

yet he says them with ease

His movements slow

his heart beats low

he gave his friends away

and slowly began to decay

as he blew his last puffs

he'd finally had enough

he began to regard

after all the people he'd scared

of all the day he sat alone

just like a small stone

and all the things he lost

and everything it had cost

how after he had been caught

his friends and family were distraught

I guess they really did care

and you lead them into despair

I guess in the end was it really worth it?

this is one of the few times in the world when it's ok to quit

Answer 1

Bad..

Too mushy gushy without a cleaver ending.  Sorry, but there is a cold robot-like feeling to the works.  For such a human poem, the word choice is very mechanic.  DO you understand?

Answer 2

Its OK, grammar needs fixing in a few parts--I do not feel much emotion behind it--Surely because you have not experienced the feeling of addiction. The rhyme scheme is a bit overdone-perhaps you could try and free verse it next time

Answer 3

hey! good job! you showed the decline, the loss of clarity... etc... and the ending line was really catchy.. and TRUE!

Answer 4

Hey

Just say it to Eminem's 'Lose Yourself'!!! You should rap it haha!

It's cos of how you've done the rhyming pattern. If you want to make it more flowy, the rhyming words shouldnt be at the end of every line...or no rhyming at all!

although it's quite good for its purpose.

Answer 5

GREAT.