Poem: "Technology". Comments?

Question

My great-grandad George was a merry old soul

Though some would say his smile was smug.

He mocked and he scoffed at the family's concerns

When he caught the technology bug.

"Look! Horseless carriages and moving pictures too,

And machines that can fly through the air!

These gigantic steamers and new express trains

That take you in a blink here to there!"

As a man then must

He proved his deep trust

And his faith in Science's news

By going off, if you please,

To sail the high seas

And cross over to the States on a cruise.

He laughed: "Babies, don't cry!

And technology's why:

I'll tell you in truth how I am.

I'll wire you each day

Whilst I am away

By state of the art telegram!"

And as he sailed away

One sharp springtime day

We waved tearful goodbyes on the quay,

And true to his word

Every day we heard:

"I'm fine - ship's fine too - you see?"

A ragged photograph proves the truth of this yarn:

My great grandpa grinning large as life in the stern.

And there on the lifebelt (still no need to panic)

Is the name of the ship: the SS Titanic.

Answer 1

Now this is better and shows imagination. Few rough lines though. How about....

(HAVE REVISED IT AGAIN.)

My great-grandpa Cole was a daring young soul,

self-assured without being smug.

He scoffed at his wife's and his children's concerns

when he caught the 'technology bug'.

"Look! Trams in a groove and pictures that move,

and machines that can fly through the air.

These gigantic steamers and new express trains

that can move in a blink here to there."

So as brave men must, he did prove his deep trust

and his faith in Science's views,

by going, if you please, to traverse the high seas

and sail to the states on a cruise.

He said "Do not cry! And technology's why -

I'll keep you informed on the way.

I'll wire you a note for each day I'm afloat

by telegraphed communique!"

And, as he sailed out, with a fond farewell shout

they waved their goodbyes on the quay.

And, true to his word, each new day they heard:

"Ship's fine, so don't worry 'bout me!"

In case you should fail to believe in this tale,

a torn photograph proves its truth,

of great-grandpa smiling, all hearty and hale

and still in the prime of his youth.

He stands and he waves, he's a man of the age,

relaxed, with no sign of panic...

the name on a lifebelt from history's page

declares - the SS TITANIC!

Strictly speaking, it would be 'telegraph' (I think), not 'telegram'.

A torn photograph proves the truth of this tale -

my great-grandpa smiling, so hearty and hale,

next to a lifebelt, with no cause to panic,

showing the ship's name - the SS TITANIC!

Right! That's enough from me - get to work and finish it off.

'So wise and so sage, he's a man of the age,' perhaps?

Answer 2

I don't usually comment on the poem section, but just this once:

My great-grandad George was a merry old soul (want to start the song of old king cole now)

smug bug (rhymes).

soul concerns (does nothing for me)

air!  there!" (rhymes)

must trust (rhymes)

news cruise (rhymes)

please,seas (rhymes)

cry! why: I am. (rhymes)

day away (rhymes)

By state of the art telegram!" (does nothing for me)

away day quay (rhymes)

sharp springtime day (was it sharp that day?  it wasn't you know)

We (so you are how old?) waved tearful goodbyes on the quay,

panic SS Titanic (sort of rhymes)

Does not a lot for me sorry and you need to look up a bit more of the facts like what sort of day they sailed away in.

Answer 3

Very good,I like it!!!! I can see you are talented my friend.By the writing I imagine you are quite young,so keep on writing poems.I did when I was younger....it´s a good way to express yourself.It´s always nice to read a nice poem in the morning (it´s 8.25 in Spain now)

Have a nice day!