Poetry, comment and rate?

Question

Battle with in

I walk into the room, the silence is so loud, the

ringing in my ears, I cant seem to drown it out.

Voices calling softly, whispering my name.

Wooing me to the darkness, I know I can not stay.

My soul seems trapped as the haunting voices draw me in.

in the darkness I hear the beast slowly charm me to

my doom. A swirling vortex of white surrounds my

body now. Pulling me to the light I can clearly see

it now. Gnarling teeth line its mouth; its red eyes

pierce my heart. I stand there in wonder, asking how

did this all start? It once sweet voice gurgles

harshly as it cries out in dismay. My strength is now

renewed as I safely run away. A beautiful peace fills

me, like a cool summer breeze. I grin as I finally

beat the beast that grew with in me.

Copyright ©2008 Charlotte Ann McFarland

Answer 1

That poem is amazing. The poet has alot of clever in her/his mind, and doesn't take time to think of words. You can tell it just flowed right out. Amazing poem.

Answer 2

I really liked the conflict between the speaker and himself.   Very rhythmic and imaginative

Answer 3

It's beautiful and inspiring.  I love it! :)

Answer 4

i reallly really like it!!

Answer 5

omg you wrote that?

thats beautiful maybe you can join a poetry club

good luck

hope your dreams come true, and keep on writing!

Answer 6

I couldn't get past the two now's.  Ya gotta fix it!

*it's a good poem btw, you remind me a bit of my style when I feel a inspired. with in should be one word (within).

Answer 7

That was perfectly done, it starts out with a feeling of fear then the end close's it with a happy ending I loved it. thanks for sharing.

Answer 8

it's okaaaayyyyy... it's kinda stiff though and lacks some rhythm, but definitely not bad  :D

Answer 9

awesomely deep.

Answer 10

Hello Charlotte,

I don't generally rate poetry, but I can give you a few comments (that you can either use or ignore at your discretion). I am simply going to make a few statements and I don't mean anything to come off in a harsh tone, but that's hard to tell on the Internet so it's worth emphasizing. Here goes:

Within is one word not two.

Watch your line breaks. Line breaks work better when they drive a reader through the poem. Try doing your breaks on concrete nouns and active verbs which give your poems a sense of layering and texture. Stay away in general from breaks on words like "to" or "the".

In general look to say more with less, or the piece begins to sound to much like prose.

One thing that I did like that you did was that there was action in the writing. Often poems can feel too static and lifeless. I think with some work, some conscious paring down, you could build something here.

Of course, this is just my opinion.

Best,

Todd