Poetry; What do you think?

Question

The Words;He Shall Never Told;*-

when he first said those words.

they melted me like a delicious smore.

those words. killed my heart with swords.

only three of them.

three simple words' with an incredible meaning.

he said them. not out of habit..

for me. they had a meaning.

like a carrot to a rabbit.

those were letters, and spaces.

that happened to twist my world.

and bring my imagination, to outer space*

make my heart go up and down.

then go faster and faster.

and flip around.

after so; he just played.

the game of my life.

he had to rescue my heart.

from falling to the dark.

& the grandprize.

would be to make me his wife.

but;*

he failed.

actually, he didnt even try.

he treated me like a s**t.

& cut my wings; so i couldnt fly.

he shall never told.

the words; i love you-*

please tell me what do you think.:) dont be too harsh. my first poem btw:P

Answer 1

It certainly has its moments, particularly the sudden transition from sugary sentimentality to a self-pitying whine.  Try to make the rhyme-scheme more consistent.

What is a 'smore' by the way?

Answer 2

That is a great start. You just need to clean it up a little. But personally I can really relate and think this is great it just needs a few touch ups.

Answer 3

hmm...

i made a few changes.

"When he had said those words

for the very first time.

It lifted my spirit

I began to chime.

those three words

were so strong.

and before I knew it

They were gone.

He treated me wrong

and never did he try.

He simply cut my wings

no more could  I fly.

what was I suppose to do?

not once did he say

those words.

I Love You."

Answer 4

this was amazing for 14 year old..wide imagination, most older kids couldnt hav creatively came up with such creative writing. it mite need a little work but the more u rite the better u become

Answer 5

forget what they say... bravo good job the rhymin was great

Answer 6

hmm.. its a good start.

the line "he treated me like a s**t" was a little weird. Try making a rhyme scheme.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 7

I don't like the wording, I think you can use bigger words, and less slang like s**t and smore. "he shall never told" makes not sense. And try putting some format, instead of one big stanza, but its yours. I'm just giving you suggestions.

Answer 8

whoa you made this

and your only 14.

sheez

pretty impresive

kudos