Poetry critique?

Question

i just would like some feedback on this poem i wrote. the meaning behind it is pretty much being furious and tired of the **** iv'e gone through with a guy and im letting it all go.

feel free to make suggesstions and such to it, i know im not an off the wall poet. just a beginner :) thanks guys.

my veins, their filled.

their filled with fire.

contrasting this heat

i'm starting to get tired.

my skin, it's boilng

inside, now out.

it's hard to keep in

but i'd rather not shout.

spreading throught my body

in control and taking over

how lucky would i be

to come across a four leaf clover.

then maybe, just maybe

i could gain back control

putting out the fire

and saving my soul.

slowly but surely the fire is dying down

feelings for you, are now left to drown.

emotions swim, keep swimming in my veins.

my veins, no longer

no longer are filled with pain.

Answer 1

You are brave to reveal your feelings openly and invite comments form all viewers. You have started well. Continue.

Answer 2

Thank you.  Thank you for posting the first really good poem ive read on yahoo answers.  

I loved the emotion in it, i could tell you were really angry.  what i like best is it flowed really well when i was reading it, and made sense, and also how you seperated the stanzas perfectly. Everything is perfect except for the four leaf clover reference, i thought it was kind of cliche, but thats just me.

I copied it(just for personal uses, not plagurizing) and will read it if im ever really pissed or just in need of a good read.  Keep up the good work.

Answer 3

Poetry is a good, constructive outlet to your emotions, so keep it up.  As far as the poem goes, here are some suggestions: watch out for the "their" trap...spell checkers won't catch it because "their" is spelled correctly...but you really meant to use "they're", as in "they are".  The easiest way to avoid the trap is to think about how you'd say it if you didn't use the contraction...that makes you remember that it "is" a contraction, so you use the apostrophe to cover the letters dropped off when you made the contraction...and since "their" doesn't use an apostrophe...you know it has to be "they're".  There are many other instances where similar mistakes are made (these are called 'malapropisms'...it happens so often they even have a word for it), so remembering the rule will help you avoid the mistakes.  Poets need to have tough skins, and it sounds like you're tough enough, so why not show it?  Use "I", not "i"...the lower case "i" shows a lack of self-esteem and low self-worth, so use the upper case "I" when you're referring to yourself.

Your images are good, the four leaf clover line was a little weak, but it made your point.  Watch your beats...I hear your voice in your poem and it's almost like singing at times (this is called "lyrical" verse), so if you can read your poem out loud and the beats and rhymes are such that you don't feel like there is something missing, you're on the right track.  If, on the other hand, as in the case of "saving my soul" it sounds like there is a word missing...take another look at it.  Sometimes it is the line before that might be missing the beat, so look over the entire passage when you're checking your beats.  I liked the repetition of "no longer" at the end...it shows a refocusing and confirmation of the change...nicely done.  You say you're not an off the wall poet...but you clearly have the heart of a poet and I'd recommend you keep writing, even when you're not upset.

Answer 4

umm wow? That was umm really good...I'm so unused to these words. There was so much emotion in it! That was just really good. It could use a little polishing, mostly the first part, but I just can't believe I found a poem I like this much on here. Umm...I'm adding you.....cause if you post more I REALLY want to see it.....and I am TOTALLY not hyper right now.

Answer 5

bit of spelling mistakes here and there but I thought it was a great poem. I think it's cool that you write poetry about your emotions...keep it up!

Good Luck with your future poems...well done!!!