Poets clique this please?

Question

My earlier post was this one :

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Au1Zs6udeSiYHlueiby6xoDsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080717174516AAWC4wx

Computer's Lie of eye

Much information

a small device

The ligh beckons me

Drawn, hypnotize,addicted

This Machine a best friend

A comforter, release of burden

Click of a switch,push of a button

Engulfed by its intrigue

Friend turned enemy

Time plus attention

Weighed down neglected work

The nagging pulling need

My energy surrendering

To this controling force

Something screems out

Light dims into nothingness

I am hoping this is better please be honest and tell me what you think ! Compare the two of them and how can I make it better? Thanks so much!!!

Answer 1

Thanks for your poem.

Answer 2

A different version of yours to give you something to compare to.  You have an original idea about the friend turning and becoming consuming, eventually sapping your energy and sucking you into its world.  

Computer's Lie of eye

Info, much...

a small device

The light beckons

draws me in...hynotizes

now addicted!

A best friend, comforter

Click of a switch,

a push of a button...

engulfed by its intrigue

NOW.....

Friend turning... enemy

wants time, attention

Weighing me down

neglecting work...

A nagging pulling need

my energy sagging

to this controlling force

something screams out

Light dims into...

nothingness

Answer 3

I love it. Bloody brilliant! So evocative and the imagery? Wow! Wonderful work...thank you for sharing!

Answer 4

I like Neonman's take. It's like Elaine said on your other question: Keep asking yourself how can I convey more with fewer words. This has potential--just needs some more paring likely. Here's another example of an approach:

Computer's Lie of eye

Information in

a small device

Light beckons

Drawn, hypnotized,addicted

My best friend

comforter, release of burden

at the Click of a switch, push of a button

Engulfed by its intrigue

Friend turned enemy

Time plus attention

Weighed down neglected work

The nagging pulling need

Energy surrendering

To this control

Screams out

Light dims into nothingness

I really like light dims into nothingness. I also like some of the interesting connections you make here. All I did was strip a little off--there is more that can be compressed. Like the click push line, do the two ideas convey something different to you? If they do bring them out more. If they don't cut one of them.

That is my advice. It will be interesting to see how this turns out. Like I said, it has good potential.

Answer 5

Some valid suggestions have already been made. Keep trying, I still like the idea. Instead of telling us what is happening, try to paint in the action with some imagery.

Answer 6

It's really hard for me to like a poem who's author used "clique" instead of "click".  

It's actually pretty original, I thought I'd be cliche like everything else on this sight.  I commend you.

However, computers = love.