Poll: Attend this wedding, or just send a gifts / money?

Question

I love my niece and want her to be happy always. However, I hate over-the-top b.s. weddings, especially when they serve no useful purpose except to, (a) cost somebody lots and lots of money--apparently, in this case, the groom's parents, since neither the bride and groom nor her divorced parents have much--and, (b) stroke the bride's ego, since an expensive fairytale wedding is completely unrealistic for couples with mediocre jobs and no housing.

I've tried to research the proper etiquette on what a non-custodial parent's sibling's obligations are as far as such weddings go. This link pretty much sums up my feelings: http://www.ihateweddings.com/index.php?itemid=51

Since the demographics of Yahoo! Answers seems to match that of my niece, could I get some feedback on whether my decision to blow town for a nice vacation with my husband—who refuses to go to weddings and funerals, no matter whose they are—is okay. I plan to attend both bridal showers, give lots of cash, and apologize profusely.

Frankly, given her closeness to custodial side and distance from non-custodial (my) side of her family, I don't think my absence will be noticed at all. I'd like to have a closer relationship with her, but seriously doubt being her wedding guest will make/break the relationship. Any thoughts appreciated.

P.S.: Up until this wedding fiasco, my niece has appeared to be a renegade/rebel like me, which I liked (her religious-fanatic mom and alcoholic dad both sort of annoy me, too). imho, her divorced parents would've enjoyed a smaller, daytime affair much more than this evening fete, so perhaps she's still being rebellious. In any event, if she can defy everybody but future mom-in-law with a cwazy over-the-top wedding, can I defy *her*, and my own mom, by being conveniently out-of-state when the wedding rolls around? ...because my mom, her grandmother, is threatening to miss the wedding as well if I don't attend. It's probably just a control-thing, but I don't want that guilt heaped on me on top of everything else. aarrgggh.

Answer 1

Don't talk to anyone else about whether you'll be attending or not.  Change the subject.  Let the bride know ASAP that you won't be attending and send her a nice gift.  

Answer 2

I completely agree with you. Send a gift and a congrats card and be on your way. If she asks question, tell her how you see silly weddings like that and rub it in! Ha! No, maybe don't do that...

Answer 3

If I was the bride and groom I would not even want you there. Weddings are a time to celebrate and if you don't feel  like this wedding is cause for celebration then don't go.

Answer 4

I think you're over-analyzing this.  My brother, SIL and their kids do lots of things I don't agree with.  Attend the wedding to show your support to your niece.  This is not the time to stay home to protest over-the-top weddings.

Answer 5

If you don't want to go, don't go.  You are an adult and adults make their own decisions.  End of story.  

Answer 6

What got your boxers in a twist?? I would stay home and hide in your cave. Why even go to the showers? You apparently don't like anything to do with weddings, And I'd keep your LOTS OF CASH and take that much needed trip,some where alone so no one can bother you.Your whole family sounds real nice.

Answer 7

Most people put their personal values, assumptions, and judgments about the couple aside for the wedding day, especially when its family. Boycotting weddings just because you "hate" them is childish. Other peoples weddings are not a platform for you to make a stand... its about their marriage, and you should try to respect that it means different things for different people.

Frankly you and your husband both sound boring. Please, spare us the pain of your negativity. Do everyone a favor and stay home. Its a win-win situation.

Answer 8

I'm with the majority on this one. Her wedding, her day...leave your opinions at home.

Answer 9

You sound like a bitter, unhappy woman.  I would not want you at my wedding!  Perhaps she invited you out of respect or obligation.  I would just send a gift if I were you.  I don't think you would be able to keep your mouth quiet and not insult other guests.

EDIT

"Since the demographics of Yahoo! Answers seems to match that of my niece" just an example of your insulting way.  You already insulted anyone answering your question.

Answer 10

Don't go.  And from the sounds of this over the top extravaganza, no one will even notice -- except for your mother.

Yes, attend the showers, give your gifts, but no need to apologize profusely or explain why you won't be attending the ceremony.  At least that way, your niece will already know that you won't be in attendance.

Go on vacation with your husband and have a wonderful time!  And as for your mother's attempt to guilt you into attending, that's her problem.  Oh, you may get an earful when you return, but you can handle it.

Have a great vacation!

Answer 11

Hello, my dear! Sorry I'm late ringing in.

First, an invitation is not a command performance: it is a request. It is, admittedly, a request to be involved in a family-strengthening positive society-strengthening event and hence is a request polite people should comply with in the absence of some strong reason to the contrary. Acceptable strong reasons to decline are a prior engagement, excessive travel, jury duty, or illness; or a profound awareness that the event is subverting all the ideals of social mutuality, hospitality and family bonds by replacing the foregoing virtues with conspicuous materialism and inhospitable family dysfunction.

In fact, declining in the face of such obvious hypocrisy shows more respect for the institution of marriage than do many of the motives given for accepting! For every time you have heard someone say about a wedding "It's the bride/couple's day and they can do whatever they want" you are entitled to think "... and it's my life and I can decline if I want". And then do so, if you so wish. Alternately, if you accept you become a guest, and your hosts then have particular obligations toward you, although in your shoes I wouldn't gamble much on those obligations' being met. Remember that whether you attend or not, a gift remains optional. You should at a minimum give a card expressing your best wishes, but etiquette acknowledges no requirement beyond that. If a gift *were* a requirement, it would be called an "admission fee", not a "gift".

Note that according to traditional etiquette, since you are married, the invitation should have been addressed to both you and your husband and you should either accept or decline as a couple. Also according to traditional etiquette, you should respond with a hand-written note on your own social stationery reading "Mr and Mrs Fawlty Detector/regret to decline/the kind invitation of Mr and Mrs Apparent Hosts for <date>" (or,  "Mr and Mrs Fawlty Detector/accept with pleasure/the kind invitation of Mr and Mrs Apparent Hosts for <date>"). This can be great fun with the kind of pretentious wedding you describe, because it lets you do the Right Thing while totally confusing the pretende-riche bride who has never heard of a hand-written response and thinks that her R.s.v.p. cards are the height of elegance. Of course, you don't discuss your social plans with your mother now that you are an adult, so her threat to decline is irrelevant. Keeping your decision to yourself means she like you has to decide for herself whether to accept. If she does decline, it will be her decision and you won't be responsible.

Answer 12

You know you sound like a whiny old hag, right? What harm could it do to just show up to the wedding? If you're not being expected to pay for it, help plan it, or do anything along those lines, and you don't disapprove of the marriage itself, the only thing that could possibly happen if you go is you could have a good time.  

Answer 13

wow you guys are pretty selfish.  Who cares if you like it or not it's not about you. (and you're husband doesn't go to funerals? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH!) get over yourselves, get a nice gift and go celebrate with your niece.  She invited you, so she wants you there.  You know how pathetic it will be if you guys go on a vacation the day she gets married. ugh

Stop being an uptight self absorbed brat and go.

I'm sorry if this is rude but you're opinions are rude as well (the funeral thing irks me the most. my god that is pathetic)

EDIT: wait her own grandmother won't be there if you don't go?  Good lord your family is screwed up. Suck it up and go and keep your mouth shut while you are there.  Even if you go just to make sure her grandmother does.

Answer 14

I am pretty sure it would upset your mother and your niece if you were conveniently "out of town" for this event.  You don't really state any acceptable reason for not attending in my opinion other than your own selfishness and views on such events.  Your husband is very insensitive and childish not going to weddings or funerals.  It shows lack of respect for family.  Funerals especially are hurtful when family members refuse to attend.  At least there it is not an event that invitations are sent out.  I think you and your husband should suck it up and take one for the team.  Behave yourselves and try not to p**s anyone off when you're there.  How do you know this is going to be "over the top?"  There are plenty of tastefully done weddings.  Suzy Q was right when she said you are offensive, your comments about the "demographics" of people on Y/answers match those of your niece who you state is  "unrealistic, with mediocre jobs and no housing".  What a derogatory thing to say.  I think you are bitter.

Answer 15

It is your right to not go, an invitation is just that. You will be giving a gift, apologizing, and will be leaving town. Just don't admit that you purposely planned the week away around that time.

I am fine with big huge weddings if the couple actually know everyone in attendance and they can pay for it themselves. If they have no housing like you said, then I am completely with you on keeping the budget in line!

Answer 16

Ask yourself what Jesus (or whoever your personal example is) would do and try to rise above and be the person you truly want to be.  Jesus would probably go to the wedding with a smile and unconditional love and wish the bride and groom all his best, putting all the silly stuff aside.

Answer 17

Wow... there's just a little bit of bitterness there, huh?

Bottom line is: if you don't want to go, don't go.  Some of my uncles and aunts weren't at my wedding, and while it would have been nice for my whole family to be there, I was kinda glad they weren't.  ($50 -100 a person adds up quick!)

I am concerned, however, about your feelings about this wedding.  Maybe, just maybe, your niece has been dreaming of the 'fairy tale' wedding all her life.  This is an important time for her, and maybe she wants to celebrate it in style.  Maybe she doesn't care about accumulation of wealth or property or "things" and would rather spend money on this wedding.  Or maybe the groom's parents really like to party and are willing to pay because this is something THEY want to do.  (That's the way it was for my wedding -- my parents-in-law wanted a huge party, so they got a second mortgage to help pay for the wedding, even though they didn't even help to pay for my wife's college!)  Maybe the groom's family is such that all of the cousins have larger weddings--it's viewed as a family get-together.  

All I can say is that it's awfully pretentious for you to judge your niece and/or her HTB on her wedding preferences.  If you don't want to go, don't go.  But don't worry about appologizing so much--she gets it.

But most importantly, let it go.  There is no reason to be bitter about a wedding.

Answer 18

I think that you could put aside your own feelings about big weddings (which I agree with, by the way) and attend. After all the wedding is about her- not you. You love your niece, and she has invited you to share her special day- so do it. What harm can it do? If you don't attend, however, there may be some hurt feelings and family turmoil. You can avoid that by frocking up, turning up and playing nice!

Answer 19

You're being dramatic.

Your niece is getting married. Go to the wedding. It's just really not that serious. One night for her to feel like a princess.

And considering you wouldn't go to her wedding kind of shows that her lack of closeness isn't just on her part - you obviously have no problem separating yourself from this monumental family event. Instead you'd rather spend a weekend away with your antisocial husband who doesn't celebrate weddings or mourn at funerals. Right.

Just go, it's one night of your life that may mean the friggin world to someone else. Besides, there's food, booze, and an opportunity to laugh at the more than likely mishaps throughout the night.