Positive adoption stories???

Question

I would really love to hear more positive adoption stories, and yes, I know they are out there!!! I know many people who are adopted and are happy!! For those of you who are adoptees and have had a bad experience, I am curious to know what about your adoptive family hurt you so much. I have a 3 1/2 month old adopted daughter and I want to do what I can to avoid her feeling the same way when she is older.

Answer 1

My adoption was as positive as it could be.

I grew up in a loving home with wonderful parents and two brothers.  There is nothing about my adopted family that hurt me.

What hurts me is the fact that I lost my mother.  What hurts me is the fact that my birth certificate is sealed by the State and I an denied access to it.  What hurts me is seeing the unethical adoption practise going on in the USA today

Answer 2

What has hurt me, an adoptee is that my mother has sided with her biological child.  My feelings have NEVER been considered.  If I ever speak up & say my feelings are hurt she turns that on me in a negative way.  I'm not suppose to have feelings at all.  

There is a racial difference in my family & I've found that the biological child has been invited to family gatherings but I haven't.  That hurts.  Don't gloss over things like this that happen.  Stand up for your child against any relatives who may not treat them right.  My mother always wants to make OTHER people feel good but never me.  

What I can say is that living through this has taught me the kind of mother I do NOT want to be.

Answer 3

i am adopted.  i have always known i was adopted, and i honestly feel it is the right thing for an adoptee.  i love both of my adoptive parents with all of my heart and i would not have wanted any other parents raising me.  i say all of this now that i am grown lol.  when i hit my teenage years i became the normal rebellious teenager, and i began to feel out of place....not b/c of anything my adoptive parents did or didn't do.  i just went through a where do i fit in stage.  my adoptive parents were always very very supportive of me trying to find my birthparent(s).  almost two years ago, i did.  it is amazing how similar we are without the upbringing......i have two sisters and a brother as well, and i have talked to all of them, it was a wonderful experience for me.  my mom (adoptive) will always be my mom, the one who rocked me to sleep, took care of me, an loved me through good times and bad.  my birthmother gave me life, and i am thankful for that, but my mom gave me a life.

Answer 4

Okay positive stories. My story by your standards is a positive one.  My amom loves and supports me fully including my search, my access to my records, and my meeting my natural mother.  Interestingly enough, adoption as a practice ended with my adoption.  There is no way my adoptive mother would ever let any grandchild of hers be adopted.  My own adoptive mother would like to see adoption investigated in the United States.   She has heard enough stories about how mothers and fathers are getting their rights violated by unscrupulous agencies.  

Make sure she has access to her OBC.  Make sure that you and the natural parents have an amicable relationship. Don't feel threatened by the natural parents' relationship with your child. Always always be honest with your child.

Answer 5

You know my adoptive parents are actually very good people.

I think it is very good that you want to be as supportive to your daughter as possible,

At such a young age, 3 1/2 months I would take great care to hold her, play with, not leave alone in her crib, adoptees need lots of reassurance that they will not be left again, the issues come up differently and different ages,  I didn't cry when I was a baby, and my adoptive mother thought I was such a good baby, I think I was actually defeated,  and she lacked the post birth hormones also,  I obviously didn't get breastfed, etc,   so at this age, my advice would just be to keep her close, when my son was born, they told me the first 6 months are the most important months in one's life, so I would do heavy attachment parenting now, and hopefully she will avoid some of the abandonment issues that can crop up later.

I would go to the library and get a good book on attachment parenting.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Hi We have 2 adopted girls [birth sisters 7 & 5yrs  ] and we have a very open relationship with them. they have known from a very young age and are very happy. Just explain in very simple terms that you chose her and love her very much. And that her mother could not look after her - you don't have to go into great detail why she couldn't.  being so young she will always know you as her mum so its all should be easier.  the older the child the more memories and ' baggage' they carry.

BEST OF LUCK  i am sure you will do a great job.

One day you may well get in a heated tantrum ' you are not my mum ' but please rise above it don't  take it personally. just repeat the you were chosen and give mega big hugs, it worked for us! she is just testing you.... ALL KIDS DO!!!!

we have birth story books which gives them a pictorial view of their lives and every now and again out they come and we sit down and chat about them. we  find that helps settle them if they have a blip. which they do occasionally.

hope I have helped.

Answer 7

I have great adoptive parents. Grew up with a pony, pool, big house, 2 parents in my life, my amom is a teacher, my dad is a farmer perfect little family.

My problem isn't with them, my problem happened when I lost my mother. No degree of love from anyone can make up for that loss. Losing a mother is life jeopardizing. Some don't recover. I jumped the hoops, followed the rules and played the part for many years.

And then I found them, we are exactly alike. We even laugh the same. My brothers, my sister, I missed a lifetime with them.

Its unreplaceable. Theres always enough love to go around, but losing your family is irreplaceable.

Primal Wound by nancy verrier

Journy of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton

Answer 8

Be honest  with her when she is old enough. My parents told me when I was 5. I have known for as long as I can remember. If you eventually have bio children, treat your adopted one as you treat them. Love her unconditionally, accept her, be there for her. Support her. Don't ever make her feel " adopted ".

Answer 9

I was chosen, I had a great life and will always be thankful to birth Mother who made an unselfish choice to get me a better life.

Answer 10

It wasn't my adoptive family that was the problem.  It was the fact that my firstmother left me and no one could tell me why and even if they could have told me why, it still would have hurt.  Think about your own mother,  now imagine how you would feel knowing she left you at the hospital at three days old knowing she'd probably never see you again.

I know that many here think that mothers who relinquish are giving and kind but for an adoptee, all we know is that the one person who was supposed to be our mother left us.

I met my biological mother this year for the first time.  She had been looking for me.  She never got over relinquishing me. I was also able to get my records and learn more about what happened.  Learning the truth has brought me some peace.  My biomom and I are trying to forge a relationship but it is not easy.

And the reality is that had she not been looking for me, I never would have found her.  I never would have had my questions answered.  That is just not fair.  I have no rights to my info without my biomom's permission.  I am well over 21 but adoption keeps me a child forever.  A commodity.

My amom and I are closer than ever.  She is happy for me that my mysteries are solved.  She is not jealous or resentful.  She has no reason to be.

We adoptees that some of you see as "Angry" are usually quite the opposite.  I am very happy.  I have a wonderful family and many friends.  My life has been good.  But I always felt sad about being relinquished.

There is a difference between hating adoption and being sad and hurt about being relinquished.  I lost my entire family when I was three days old.  And while I gained a new one eventually, I have issues with losing my family of origin.

Answer 11

I was a taken care of my adoptive parents from the day I was born basically.  I know perhaps this doesnt count.  I grew up knowing the fact I was adopted.  I am eurasian- part korean part german.  I love my adoptive parents so much.  To me, they are my real parents.  I may have another mother out there, but she's gave birth to me.  But I came from my adoptive mother's heart.  They are originally from South Africa (but are white).  They are deff my real parents to me: I scream at them, fight with them, but then I come crawling back when I want something :)  My adoptive relatives are amaazing, too and treat me like any other family member.  Although I am curious about my biological parents, I find it more exciting not to find out about them because then I can believe they're anybody.  They could be billionaires for all I know!!!

You should share this little piece of advice with your daughter when she starts to go to school:  Never be ashamed of being adopted.  It makes you special, and show that your (adoptive) parents love you even more. Also, I found many people said sorry to me when I informed them I was adopted.  When I was younger, I meekly smiled at this and told the person it wasn't all that bad.  However, now I frown at this sympathetic gesture.  Being adopted allowed me to become the strong young woman I am today.  My "real" parents are the ones I have lived with for the majority of my life.  My parents love me, nutured me, encouraged me, and were there when I needed them most.  The only thing my other set of "parents" did was give birth to me.  If you ask me, the true parents are the ones that care for you, not ditch you because of commitment phobia!!

Answer 12

I adopted my son when he was 2 1/2 years old and his half sister when she was 16 months old. (they were born and adopted 4 years apart.)  I found that kids that didn't grow up knowing they were adopted and knowing what "adopted" meant were the ones that had the problems.  from the day I brought them home, I told them I was glad I adopted them and glad the judge said they could be mine.  I bought them books on adoption and read them almost every day.  they grew up knowing that we were a "made" family and that their grandparents, uncle, and I were glad they were part of the family.  now they are grown and have said they never felt adopted.  they are loved unconditionally and know it.  I have cousins on both sides of my family that have adopted and have had excellent experiences.

Answer 13

I'm a birthmom and the birthfather and I both choose to give our daughter up. We both have an open adoption with the adoptive parents. They also have a bio daughter. We get emails, pictures and visits. I think a lot of adoptees pain is just not knowing. If you have pictures of her birthparents or can share anything. I think it's important to be honest and let them know right away.

Answer 14

You want positive adoption stories?

Here you go....

Our adoption story doesn't begin where most other families' stories begin, it actually begins about seventy years ago, in a little town in rural Minnesota.

A couple, having lost twin boys at birth, decided to adopt another child.

That child was my husband's father.

He and his wife, in turn, adopted their first two children, my husband and later his sister. I was adopted in 1967 in St. Paul, Minnesota. So you see, adoption runs in our family. Hubby and I agreed before we were married that we would adopt children.  I wanted us to have our bio-kids first, however, having grown up in the  shadow of a younger sibling who was my parent's bio-child.

Unfortunately, it turned out that I could not carry a baby to term.

We began to explore our options. We were looking seriously at adopting from China, just before the re-organization there, but our finances fell through. I was devastated, because I KNEW, and still know that I have a daughter waiting for me in China. We put aside the idea of adopting, then, for about a year.

I was just beginning to think of bringing up the subject again, when hubby called me excitedly to the computer.

"Come look at this!"

It was a post on an SCA ( http://www.SCA.org )  mailing list from a friend of ours with "pregnant" in the subject line.

Now, I KNEW Bridget wasn't pregnant. She and her husband don't have or want kids, so this was a little puzzling.

She was posting in reply to a woman on the list, who was planning to place her child for adoption. She had been getting plenty of flack on the list for her decision.

Bridget was writing to encourage her, being an adult adoptee and birthmother herself.

I sat down and wrote a letter to the Mom also, adding my voice in support for her decision. I also asked if she had found a family for her baby yet, adding that if she had not, we would like to apply.

She replied to my letter, saying that she was still looking, and  would we tell her about ourselves. We wrote back and forth for a few days,  then we had to leave for the Christmas holidays. When we got back,  I wrote the mom some more, then tried to back off and give her some space.

She was interviewing couples in her home state, and really didn't need any pressure from us.

In early February, we got a call from her, asking if we were still interested in raising her child. Of course we were!

We began to correspond via the internet on a regular basis, and contacted  the agency that she was working with.

The Agency sent us an application and a recommendation to use  our homestudy agency. We  rushed through our homestudy in about three weeks, and then I was off on a convention tour with my job!

Just before I left, the mom contacted us and asked to meet us face to face before the baby was born. We agreed, and met at an SCA event near her hometown. We had a good day, though it got REALLY long for a lady who was eight and a half months pregnant!   I stayed on in her town to get to know her, and to be there when the baby was born. Hubby flew back and forth

about every other weekend. (thank God for his little brother's job with the airlines!)

Our son was born on my birthday weekend. Hubby had been intending to come in on the night of my birthday, but missed his flight and didn't arrive until the next day. He spent that day with us, and the following morning I dropped him at the airport, to go back home. FOUR hours later, he phoned me to ask that I pick him up.

His flight had been canceled, yet again,which was a GOOD thing, as mom's water had broken that afternoon! We had supper together (we ate, she had little) and then I dropped hubby back at the airport. When I got back to my hotel, mom had called, to say they were headed for the hospital, and would I meet them there?

I got there, and found her stuck in a little tiny L&D room, in the dark, when she had signed up for, and asked for the birthing suite.  When we inquired,  we were informed that the birthing suite was for "BONDING" with your baby, and that since this child was being adopted, she didn't qualify.  She pointed at me, and said " if you're so worried about "bonding" THERE'S his mother!"

We laugh about it now, but it was really infuriating at the time.

In any case, after seven hours of pitocin augmented  labor, our son was born.  I cut the cord, Mom held him first (after the midwife) and they got a chance to bond and get to know each other.  Once she was moved into her postpartum room, I went back to my hotel for what was left of the night.

Those first couple of days were like walking on eggshells.  I wanted to spend time with her and the baby, but I wanted to give her enough privacy to make certain that her decision was the right one for her, and her son.  

When hubby arrived the day after baby's birthday, and we went to visit, she put the little one in his arms, and said" here's your son"

Hubby was pole axed.  Completely stunned, and enthralled with this little person.

Two days later came the time for her to terminate.  She was required to "abandon" her son in the hospital for 24 hours, though she was allowed to visit him, as were we.

The SW from the agency was over two hours late to the termination.  Mom says she hasn't had that much trouble signing her name since third grade.  

Eventually we got the call, and went down to meet them in the hospital chapel.  Mom placed the baby in my arms, and we both cried buckets.  Hubby took a picture of us.. and tried to get us to "SMILE"   I'm not sure which of us wanted to deck him more!

the original plan had been to have visits once a year, and for our son to know his birth mom as "auntie X"  within 8 hours after placement, i was on the phone with her, wanting to know if it would be ok if he called her "mama" .. I just couldn't lie to my son.

That was almost ten years ago.  Since then she has moved from her hometown to ours, and she and our son have a very close loving relationship.

Watching her give up her son induced me to search for my birthmom, who I found when our son was six months old.

My husband's father has also found his birthfamily.. a brother who never knew he existed.

My SIL found her birthfamily as well, though that story is not such a happy one. the agency lied to her mother about where she had been placed, and mom committed suicide, having searched for years, shortly before my SIL searched for her.

Advice?

If at all possible, let your child know her family... ALL of it, not just the half that is raising her.

Now is not too early to talk with her about how she came to be part of your family. Stories should, of course, be age appropriate, but NEVER lie to your daughter.  If your adoption is not final yet, have her birthparents get copies of her OBC for her.  Keep in contact.  Keep medical histories up to date.

and above all, LOVE your daughter.  Love her enough for yourself, and the mom who couldn't raise her.