Pregnancy, Adoption, etc?

Question

This is an extremely difficult situation. A few months ago I found out I was pregnant, I am about 6 months along and 20 yrs old. I didn't end up getting an abortion but I know for a fact I cannot and do not want this child. So I am considering looking into adoption. Today couldn't have possibly gone worse. On top of being laid off from my job today, while I was half way in between telling my mother I was laid off she got a phone call from my seventeen yr old sister telling her she was 3 months pregnant. I haven't told anyone at all about my situation, I am going throught his alone and when I thought I might be able to break the news to my mom this situation with my sister had to happen. My sister will most likely be keeping it. I however, cant possibly hurt my mom any further then she has been, are there any maternity homes, or options I can look into to tell my mom I am moving out maybe. How do I get started in the adoption process. Please, I need support not criticism.

Answer 1

You may consider taking a long "vacation." I mean, your family and friends  may know that something is up but if you say that maybe you are visiting an old friend or seeing a college or something. As far as after you have the baby, if you can't get the adoption then there is a nation wide law stating that you can leave your child at any  hospital or fire station with no questions or anything. Hope this all works out for you!

Answer 2

Are you sure that you cannot tell your mother?  We moms are pretty resliant and I would be very sad if my daughter was suffering through a crisis alone because she didn't want to hurt me by telling me.  I don't know your mother, but please reconsider talking to her about the pregnancy.  

When people post questions about an unplanned pregnancy here, I don't tell them to place for adoption and I don't tell them to parent.  That's a very personal choice and only you can know what is best for you.

I do recommend, however, that you get all of the information you can about adoption and about resources to assist you in parenting your child.  Know all of your rights, all of your options and armed with knowledge, make an informed decision.  You do not have to make a choice about adoption until after the child is born, if that's what you choose.  

You also don't mention the baby's father.  Unless there is a reason why he should not be involved (such as rape or abuse), he does and should have rights.  With those exceptions, the baby's father does have to agree to the adoption.  

Good luck to you in whatever you choose.  But please reconsider telling your mother.  Both you and your sister will need support from the people you love.

Answer 3

Amez,

As a mother my heart goes out to you.  I am sorry that you feel that you can’t turn to your mom for support . More often than not moms surprise kids every day with their responses to being pregnant please consider talking to her.

Our daughters birth mom was in a similar situation her sister announced her pregnancy prior to Heathers announcement. Heather was trying to sort out her feelings and decide what she wanted to do so that she could be secure in her choice. Like you she wanted to disappear for awhile.

As an adoptive mother of a beautiful little girl I must say that Adoption can be a wonderful experience. Because of a wonderful woman who was in a similar situation as you are my husband (of 15 years) and I were finally able to have the baby of our dreams.

Because of adoption I am finally a mom. This never would have been possible if it weren’t for adoption because I was raped at a young age and suffered physical trauma that left me unable to ever get pregnant. I was too scared and to ashamed to tell anyone what happened, by the time I did tell the damage to my organs had already taken place and was not reversible.

We have a very open adoption with our daughters birth family we send pics, make phone calls and visit a few times a year we even have a great relationship with our daughters birth grandparents and aunts.

If you are still considering adoption as an option you may want to explore adoption and determine if you want to be involved (Open Adoption) or if you want the adoption completely closed either way this is your baby until you sign the paperwork and only you can decide what is best for you and your baby. This will be your adoption journey any family who truly cares about you and the baby will allow you to decide what is best for you and they will keep the door open if you say you want it closed.

Heather thought that she wanted a closed adoption now she is grateful that I kept the door open and encouraged her to allow her family to get to know us. In our home our birth family is an extension of our family, that has created a wonderful and relationship for our daughter who knows and feels the love from everyone in her life. We plan to have an Open door policy for all the children who we adopt because we have seen the positive impact that it has on our daughter.

Keep in mind when making an adoption plan birthfathers have rights even if they aren't in the picture. Heathers boyfriend pretty much walked out on her. He didn't want to pay child support so he chose to sign the adoption papers. If this is a case of rape be honest with your social worker or agency in many states a prospective birth mother can sign an affidavit swearing the father is unknown so they can proceed with the adoption.

There are lots of resources available and there are lots of agencies who would love to present you to an adoptive family. Keep in mind that no matter what an agency or facilitator says this is your baby and you do not have to place your baby with them even if they pay your living or medical expenses. You can change your mind at any time as long as you don’t sign anything after the baby is born. If you sign anything prior to the birth of the baby it will not hold up in court.

Amez it is also possible that once your baby is born you may look into his or her eyes and fall in love with him or her. You may decide to parent if you do there are lots of resouces to help you so that you can parent and still finish school.

I don’t want to overwhelm you with to much info. Please feel free to send me a private message I will be glad to share more about my journey and how the adoption process works. I can even get you in touch with our daughters birth mom who is open and willing to share her adoption experience and she will be a great source since she understands where you are in this journey.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone right now. I would love to hear from you I am a great listener and an awesome friend...

May you find peace…here are some Texas size hugs just for you HUG HUG HUG…

Maria

Stars Proud Mom

Answer 4

Here is some help for you...

Pregnancy Housing -- get away style

http://www.squidoo.com/pregnancy-housing

National Adoption Answer Line

http://www.nationaladoptionanswerline.co...

Hope this helps!

Answer 5

Have you tried looking at a family who really wants a new born baby and would pay for all of you Doctor visits, and maybe give you a home until the baby is born.....check with a lawyer or on line adoption service....papers also have people looking to adopt!

By the way, thank you for not aborting this child....he or she may grow up to be someone famous, change the world somehow or be a very very important part of someones life!!!!

Also, your mother may wish to have a part in this child's life as it will be a grand child.....Mothers are more understanding than you think.....How about the father as well, but if he isn't a responsible person....no...

May you pick the best option and the best way to deal with this emotionally....as it will effect you in the long term.

May you have a blessing from all these trials.....

Answer 6

You are a very strong person.  I am sorry to hear that you have no support system right now.  What I suggest is visiting or calling your city or county social services, planned parenthood or another family support center, and some adoption agencies.  They will be able to help you out.  I don't know much about maternity homes, but I have placed a child for adoption.  I know what you are going through.  Good luck, and if you need any more help or advice, or just want to talk to someone who has been through it you can email me.

Answer 7

I am not sure why you feel you cannot tell your mother when your sister already did.  You are much farther along in  the pregnancy than she is and I am really proud that you did not choose abortion as many girls do.  It is your decision to keep things private but family support is always better when making any decision.  You are an adult so you do not need your parent's approval to place the baby up for adoption.  If you are serious about finding a good home and you do decide to go through this alone and are looking for a safe place to "hide" your situation email me anytime.  Me and my husband of 10 years live in FLorida and can help you out.

Answer 8

a couple of things

-most people who are telling you to place your baby have never been pregnant; nor been in the position to make such a decision.

-most people who are telling you to place your baby are either adoptive parents or looking to adopt a baby.  their only concern is to get young girls like yourself to give up kids to those who can't.

-many mothers (myself included) have raised children on modest incomes.  children are not a burden to you reaching your goals, if you don't let them.

-the advise about researching agencies is very sound.  so many of these adoption agencies are unethical, run by people out to sell babies; and could care less about pregnant women.

-there are TONS of resources to help you parent your child.  but the adoption agencies and those who want your kid will tell you that nothing exists.  that's simply not true.

-adoption is permanent.  once it's done, it's done. you can't undo it.

-you will be surprised at how much your mom changes her tune after seeing her grandchild.  

-maternity homes do not offer much assistance with parenting options.  many work with adoption agencies as feeder agencies for their clients.

-please give this more thought.  and don't make a decision until after birth.

good luck

Answer 9

This is an extremely difficult situation, I agree. Please don't take anything I say as criticism as I'm only speaking from personal experience.

You say that you know for a fact that you don't want this child, but I will tell you that you never truly know until he or she is born. Thus, my first bit of advice would be waiting until he or she is born before making a final decision.

Also, I know you do not want to burden your mother, but I would think about whether you would truly be a burden simply by telling her. If not her, I would recommend at least telling someone else as it's nearly impossible to go through something like this all alone.

I also recommend caution when choosing an agency, which is the most common way to get started with the adoption process. Some are quite unethical and you don't want to get tangled up with them. Do a google search and research different ones. Be wary of ones with a lot of pending court cases or criticism.

That said, the first step would be for you to look up some agencies, research them, call them and ask a lot of questions. When you find one you're comfortable with, you would start by deciding what you want for your child and then you would look at profiles of PAPs and pick one. Please make sure the SW explains the full process to you as well as the legal ramifications of signing the consent form (i.e. do you have time to change your mind, is there a waiting period, is father's consent required *in any case, he should be a part of the adoption process and should have the option of parenting the child if he wishes to do so*, etc)

In the event you do decide to keep your child, do not let anyone bully you into submission. He or she is yours and that's that. It doesn't matter what preparations people have made, what they've bought, or how nice they've been to you.

Know that adoption is an extremely serious decision and will no doubt bring with it pain and heartbreak for not only you, but for your child as well. Ask yourself if you can honestly handle something like that.

As far as maternity homes go, I'm not sure because I don't know what state you live in. If you contact an agency, they should have information on that for you.

I leave you with this. Adoption is usually a permanent situation to a temporary problem. Young people grow up, single people get married, and with age and experience, people grow in their careers and wisdom. On the flip side, married people get divorced, wealthy people go bankrupt, and there is never any guarantee that a stranger could love your child more than you.

ETA: http://www.pccofsfv.com/living.htm

That is a list of maternity homes in CA

If you truly don't know who the father is, they will simply put unknown, but if you do, it's best to let him know.

Answer 10

There is a book called "The Girls Who Went Away" and it is written stories of the women who went away to maternity homes and kept their pregnancies secret from everyone and then came home like nothing ever happened.  You really need to be kind to yourself.  To think that you can just disappear for a while, birth a baby and come back like nothing happened is far fetched.

Becoming a birthmother affects the relationships of those who remain around you regardless of if you tell them or not.  It changes who you are fundamentally and the strain of the relationship happens from the burden of the secret.  When I relinquished, my family knew what happened and while it hurt them so much when they found out I was pregnant, at least they got to see my son before he was relinquished, and they got the opportunity to see me through that pregnancy, birth and relinquishment, even if they horribly bungled part of their actions.  On the other hand, the baby's father's family wasn't told.  The pregnancy, birth and relinquishment was kept a secret.  It wasn't until our son was 8 or 9 years old that we told his family, because I felt I couldn't birth another child with this secret that I had supposedly not birthed before.My mother in law was horribly hurt because we couldn't tell her back then.  I then I had to watch her grieve the loss of her grandson, just like I and my family grieved the loss at relinquishment.

The relationships, all of them whether told during the process or not, have changed.

So be kind to yourself and be kind to your family who ordinarily supports you.  Share your life and don't hide it.

Answer 11

Go to this website: http://www.adoptionnetwork.com/

This agency is located near San Diego, and has housing available for women in your situation. You won't have to pay anything, and you will still have the choice when your baby is born to change your mind about adoption if you want to.

I commend you for knowing in your heart that adoption would be the best thing for your child. I can only imagine what a difficult decision it is for you - I haven't been through it personally, but did see our son's birth mother go through it. She loved him deeply, but knew in her heart that she couldn't give him the home she wanted for  him.

My best wishes for you during such a difficult time.

Answer 12

I hope that my answer helps you.   I can share my own story- however from an adoptive parents viewpoint.  When we adopted our first son, almost 20 years ago, his birth mom came from out of state to have him, and we helped with the living expenses and medical expenses.  You can locate an attorney in the area that you would want to go live in for a few months and he/she will help you.  I commend you for giving life for your child. However, I am not sure that not telling your mom is such a good idea.  I understand with your sis being pregnant too, it would be hard- however I am sure your mom has enough love to go around to help both of you, through this time. If you want to talk you can email me.

Answer 13

If you're certain this is what you want, then you can start by contacting some adoption agencies to see how they might be able to help you out, by providing you with a place to live and medical expenses until you deliver your baby.  If you do a private adoption, the adoptive couple may be willing to help you out as well.

I am so sorry you are going through this alone.  I know you don't want to burden your mother at the moment, but are you sure you can't go to her?  She might be more supportive than you think.

I wish you the best!