Pregnancy dredging up old wounds?

Question

Since I found out I'm pregnant I've been wrestling with a lot of inner conflict...I had a really tough upbringing and have a lot of unresolved anger towards my parents. Along with issues accumulated as a direct result of their actions, I had the misfortune of experiencing other forms of severe abuse from other people along the way. I am so anxious and worried about subjecting my child to even a tenth of what I went through, and feel the world is a harsh place...is there any way to really protect a kid these days?

On another note, and not to be in any way obnoxious, but I feel that my looks attracted a lot of predators (although I'm sure my vulnerable state didn't help). I have a general fear and distrust in men (besides my husband), and am terrified to have a daughter because of this.

Anyone identify or have some words of wisdom? I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Answer 1

It sounds like you are aware of the issues in your life and the impact that can have on yourself as a parent and of course on your child. I really believe you will be so much better off if you work with a therapist. There are plenty of ok therapists out there (and of course unfortunately there are some useless and bad ones as well) but there are also some very excellent ones. You may need to explore with a few people before you find someone good. Look for someone who you feel comfortable with but who will also challenge you to understand yourself. Don't bother with a therapist who is "just ok" or who you feel you don't "click" with. It is wonderful to work with an excellent therapist and you will learn a tremendous amount and your child(ren) will have a great benefit. Good luck in your pregnancy and in parenting and with yourself.

Answer 2

I had fears (still do) that I will repete the mistakes of my parents. I am committed to break the cycle of violence that has existed in my family for generations. My children WILL NOT know that kind of fear, shame, etc. I see my little girl as me 25 years ago. It makes me sad that my parents did not treasure me or value me as the gorgeous little person I was back then -- my girl is so beautiful and precious, so free and pure - and that was not respected by my parents -- But I can do better - I can fix it so my kids will never have to go through that -- I have the power to be the last one who was abused - and I can make that happen by preventing it from happening to my kids - I can't change what happened to me, but I can make sure I don't do that to them....... It is pretty powerful to look at it as your way of changing the future - to right the wrongs of your parents, and their parents before them..... I am going to make sure I do better - and already I have, because my girl has not been subjected to the things I had at that age.

I hope that gives you something to think about.

Oh -- I LOVE little girls - mine is my little dress up doll - she's so much fun - I was scared to have a girl too - But I just adore her, and am a lot closer to her than my boy. As I said I see her as the way for me to correct what happened to me - I try and be the mom I wish I had and make her life the way I wish mine had been......

also - I think you protect kids by teaching them to protect themselves - something I was never taught -- My dad beat me, so I equated love with pain - and i married a man who nearly beat me and my son to death...... I was never taught not to let someone hurt me - In fact I was taught the opposite.... and I am going to teach my daughter (and son) much differently so they can protect themselves....

Email if you want to talk - I know exactly what you are going through.....

Answer 3

I'm a father of 4 grown children......When your child will be born he/she will love you unconditionally...you will be his or her world.....love conquers all......love above money/ love above the "things and ways" of the world....protect/insulate and isolate as long as possible....the eyes are the windows to the soul...show what is good and right.....

GOD's blessings to you....

Answer 4

You might find this child very healing. I have found that a lot of parents that went through abuse have made some of the best parents. They understand the pain and want to protect their children from it, which I think is much better than the " it will never happen to us" thinking. They tend to be more understanding and less naive.  I'll bet you have already considered ways that you will do things differently.

I don't take my kids for granted because I know how precious life is. I can't protect them from everything but we have always kept the communication open, even through the rough times.

Answer 5

First, congratulations on your baby! I would suggest very strongly that you seek counseling or therapy of some kind. Being able to talk to someone about your fears and your past will help you to cope with all the misdeeds that have been done to you. You will learn valuable tools with which to help you raise your child without the fear that you're facing now. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with seeking treatment. If you had a broken bone you would go to the doctor wouldn't you? But now you have a broken spirit and a sprained soul and you  need to get it fixed before your beautiful baby gets here. That baby needs a mommy who is happy and healthy both physically and mentally. If you can't afford the more traditional psychotherapy, then check with your local mental health center or local health department. There are ways to get the help you need without spending a fortune. I urge you to pray also. Prayer is a wonderful way to "sort" through things. Good luck to you, your husband and your new baby.