Privacy during childbirth!?

Question

Ok i have to get this out, it's all i think about these days.

I am due to have my first bub (a little girl) in December. There is NO private Ob/Gyn services offered where i live & all births are done through the public hospital (despite there being a private hospital in town). I have nothing against the Public system but i absolutely hate the fact that every time i go to my antenatal appointments i see someone different even when i give birth you just get whoever's there on the day! You don't get your own room or your own midwife etc. I have spoken to a midwife who informs me that once in labour i will be taken to the birthing suite & will be checked regularly by whoever's available! OMG! (They encourage active birth but there is no water birth, TV, music, candles or other options allowed there either) I cannot give birth at home as i have epilepsy therefore i need to be in a hospital. I am so scared! & feel totally alone as all my "freinds keep telling me to get over it & once you have children there is no modesty or mystery anymore". I do not want every tom,d**k & harry in the hospital looking at me in such a vunerable state. And i'm sick & tired of everyone telling me that "modesty goes right out the window" & "you honestly won't care, who's sees you". Trust me I WILL care!

I really just want to give birth with my hubby, an Ob & the midwife. Needless to say other family members all want to be there! I think this is rude of them to expect that i want them all to witness this! And there is no way in h**l i want anyone sticking there fingers around down there every half hour or so. The midwife made out like i was being totally unreasonable about wanting some privacy. She even rolled her eyes at me! I'm not a princess but i know i will be more relaxed if things are more private.

I am so afraid that i will tear, poo etc & that my bits will be forever ruined. I can't bear the thought of my darling hubby (or anyone for that matter) seeing my privates stretched beyond recognition. Several of my friends who have had children have told me it never truly goes back no matter how many Kegel's you do. I cry nearly every time i think about it. My hubby of course thinks i am being silly too. The only other option is to travel nearly 2 hours to another town where i can have a private ob/gyn & give birth (or elect to have a c-section if desired) in the private hospital there.

What would you do? Has anyone else been in a similar situation & if so how did you cope when you know that you just can't have the birth experience you want?

Answer 1

Once you are in the throws of labor, your modesty disappears.  Don't worry about the checks etc. I am in the US and delivered at a private hospital, and my first son was delivered by the random on-call doctor (male) that my wonderful female OB had contracted with to cover for her on the holiday weekend (not even someone in her practice!).  Imagine - "Nice to meet you, mind if I stick my hand up your ...?"  Frankly, I was excited, because I wanted to know how dialated I was and how much longer things would be.  The actual oddness of the familiarity was lost on me at the time.  So there are no guarantees that a private hospital will be better.  Not worth it for the drive.  If it means a private room afterwards, though, it may be worth it...  

Disclaimer: I can't speak as to the end result, as my labor ended in a C-Section.

Answer 2

Hun you need to take a breath!!!!! In and out, in and out!

I have had two children and am 34 weeks with my third. With all of them I will have had or have had public care in a public hospital, I have had no choice due to financial constraints, but maybe the hospital where I deliver is a really good one because the midwives are fantastic and they do not stick a finger in you every half an hour or so, I have only ever had internals done when they suspected I was in full blown labour and completely dilated. The Doctors I have seen at the hospital are wonderful and completely understanding and never make you feel embarrassed.

I was terrified of tearing during child birth and never being the same again amd you know what I did tear twice (each child) and each time I had more stitches than before......I will be honest, you do feel different but it isn't like you have a huge gaping hole for the rest of your life, it does stretch and go back, the way nature intended. I never wanted my partner to see the baby come out and was happy not knowing that he had, until he told me that he watched our daughter and son be born.....I am still squeemish, but what can I do?

The more you freak out about it, the more stressed and awful the birth could be, try to relax, try to remember that as long as the baby gets here alive and healthy and that you aren't too dissappointed about the whole birth, that it turned out ok. Nobodys birth plan goes the way they want it, it is just one of those things. I made cetain that I have no plan, just an outline of what I want to happen, basically I go into labour, go to hospital have an epidural and have a baby.........what ever will be will be, I will leave the medical stuff to the medical people, just safer that way.

Good luck, try to focus on your baby, not the actual birth.

Answer 3

Get a doula. She will support you, stay with you the whole way through the birth and will advocate for (help you help yourself, in other words). She will respect and honour your wishes, including your right to privacy.

You have every right to expect privacy - if all else fails just don't tell your nosey family members when you go into labour. Tell them it all happened so fast and the birth demanded all your attention so you didn't have time to call them. Say that you needed your hubby to stay with you and not to be on the phone. It's also really handy that cell phones are banned in hospitals.

Have you considered a home birth with an independent midwife? You get guaranteed one-on-one service, it's very private and actually very safe (if you've had a normal pregnancy).

Please don't worry too much about getting the absolute exact birth experience you want. By all means have a birth plan, but make it flexible. Nothing this important ever goes according to plan.

Check out the websites I've listed below. They are great starting points for getting the information you need to empower yourself to have a beautiful, positive birth.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I honestly feel like crying at the last part of your question because I am having our fourth and I think last baby and REALLY wanted to do this at a birthing center with a CNM and avoid another hospital birth. It is almost $5,000 for a midwife though, and thusfar it sounds like I'm SOL on this one, even though it means more to me than almost anything... :(

We are through Kaiser so basically, you have a regular OB/GYN and NP throughout your pregnancy but when you go into labor, you get who you get. My one REQUIREMENT is NO MEN, period. I almost got a male doctor with our second and started to freak out and was crying and just sooo upset. Thankfully a woman doctor got through with whatever she was doing and I ended up having all women after all. And as far as the whole "you don't care when you're in labor" thing, BULL! I remember explicitly, with our first, I was pushing our son out and started to tear, they called for the person to bring in stuff for the episiotomy and it was a MAN! I literally wanted to jump out of the bed and throw him out but our son was already in the process of being born, so needless to say I couldn't. I felt VERY uncomfortable and I was in the THROWS of labor... I still feel creeped out when I think about having any man besides my husband see me down there, and you know what, I don't care HOW non sexual it is, it's the principal of the thing!

As far as family goes, they can SAY whatever they want, but YOU are the queen of this whole thing, so to speak and when you go into labor/delivery, you just inform them of your needs. That includes-NO ONE besides your hubby and the staff can be in the room while you deliver. Furthermore, let them know when you get there you only want to be examined every few hours OR if you feel you are really progressing...

I have quite a list this time around if I don't get my dream delivery (birthing center) and am going to make it clear that certain criterea MUST be met, and as the patient, I have that right.

I would not elect to do a c section. You will have a longer recovery time and won't be able to bond with your baby right away. You may have to compromise on some wants, but make up your mind now on some things that are set in stone, and make those clear to the hospital... it sucks when you REALLY want certain things when you have your baby and you just can't-I'm just sick at the thought of birthing in the hospital again, and the possibility of laboring in a room with 3 other women! YUCK... all in all, I'm just PRAYING for a miracle (literally) and ultimately will make the best of it regardless-that's all anyone can do really.

Answer 5

Be reassured that your worries/concerns are totally normal!  With my first baby I had an induced labor with alot of interventions that were a bit humiliating to say the least.  About 8 internal exams alltogether, a 13 hr labour, and in the end I needed an emergency c-section.  Afterward I felt awful remembering the labour and all prodding and crowd of spectators.

With my second pregnancy I shared my concerns with a new doctor who was very understanding.  He agreed to let me actively labour in a private room and keep interventions and internals to an absolute minimum.  I had only 2 internals that time around, a 4 hr labour, and a very fast natural delivery!  I credit that to my ability to relax because I had made my concerns/feelings very clear to my doctor and family.  It was just me, my hubby, the doctor, and my doula in the delivery room.  My husband saw the WHOLE birth process and didn't flinch.  And things down below went right back to normal in a few weeks - I've not noticed any difference whatsoever! (neither has hubby!)

So what I guess I'm trying to say is: don't be hard on yourself for what you are feeling.  This is your body, your baby, and you have a right to give birth however makes you feel comfortable.  Talk to your family and let them know that you appreciate them wanting to be "there" for you but that you would really like to share this special moment with just you and your hubby.  Hopefully they will understand.

One thing I've learned is that birth never goes the way you imagine it in your head, good or bad.  You can only just go into it as positively as possible looking forward to having that wonderful bundle of joy with you no matter how he/she entered the world.

All the best! xx

Answer 6

Travel the 2 hrs., if it will help you relax.  I understand, with my first 2 deliveries it was how you stated.  It sucked!  With the last 2, I had a private Dr. and hospital.  Thank God, I was much happier and I had positive labor and birth experiences.  

Answer 7

You are too worried, It is going to be the best day of your life even if you have the baby in the car on the way to the hospital! You will see in the end, pooing, tearing, non of that matters. When you hear that first cry, nothing will matter!

Answer 8

You purposely got pregnant, right?  You did know how babies exit the system before conceiving, correct?  Sorry, let me try again... I understand modesty.  My father--in-law, who we agreed to have at the hospital and put in charge of making phone calls, hung out in my labor room instead of the waiting room until I growled at my husband that I wasn't suffering through laboring in bed because my gown was slit up the back just because he was there and he needed to get his dad out immediately.  (He did, thankfully)  

Even in a public hospital, whoever is on call will likely be the same nurse for a whole shift, so if you wait until your contractions are 5 min. apart, you may have the same nurse for the whole shift and you can request that they not check your dialation any more than necessary.  Believe me, the nurses and midwives are busy and won't be in too often while you're laboring until just before you're ready to deliver.  However, with my son we had sudden complications and suddenly I had eight people crowded into my room running multiple tubes and monitors into my "privates" and pushing and prodding me in the most uncomfortable positions and I was thankful that every one of them was there because they were all working to make sure that my baby made it out of me safely.  It's not comfortable, but when it's a matter of your little one's life, you'll do whatever it takes and everything will take a backseat to that.  Try not to stress so much and be flexible, actual birth almost never goes according to your birth plan (I have a friend in L&D who jokingly refers to birth plans as "birth wishes"), it's God's way of preparing you for the lack of predictibility that is soon to be your life as a mother.