Private adoptions?

Question

My girlfriend and I have found ourselves pregnant, and it was unplanned. She is pro-life and going through with the birth and we have already found a GREAT family to adopt the child.

My question I guess is as 'birth parents' (as the websites call us) what is our part in the adoption process since we didn't go through an agency?

If you can share any experience it would be great! We just have no idea how these things are done and few websites give an adoption play-by-play.

Thank you.

Answer 1

Hi Bortello,

I'm adopted and not anti-adoption.  I am, however, pro-caution.  Take it slowly, since you two haven't even had your baby yet.  I know that these adoption agencies will call you  birth parents, but you're not birth parents yet.  "Birth parents" is a term that should only apply to people whose child is already born and who have actually relinquished their parental rights for their child to be adopted.  You two are still expecting, and have a ways to go.

A lot of good information has been shared, including the experiences of some birth parents.  I'll just suggest to you is to keep in mind that open adoption agreements are not enforceable by law.  If the adoptive parents close the adoption, you cannot do anything about it under the law.  Also, if you change your mind about adoption, do not feel obligated to go through with it.  This is ultimately your baby and you have every natural right to keep him or her.  Absolutely nothing that happens throughout this process obligates you to relinquish your child if you decide not to do so.

Answer 2

I agree with those telling you not to rush into adoption. Yes there are good families out there who want to adopt (I got one of them) but it doesn't mean everything will turn out happily ever after.  They are not anti-adoption they are pro-children.  Children should be with their natural parents.  

I had a great childhood but I never felt quite right. I felt like I didn't belong in my family. I felt that for as long as I can remember.  As I got older, it felt like I had a hole inside of me that I couldn't fill no matter how hard I tried. I felt like I didn't have an identity, I had to be who my adopted family expected me to be.  I was special, I was chosen, I had to be good.  They didn't put those pressures on me, I put them on myself.  I was afraid of being abandoned and never let anyone get too close to me. I rejected people before they could reject me.  My own birth parents rejected me, didn't want me, why would anyone else?

I didn't realize that my problems (these and others) were caused by adoption until I was 34 years old.  Before that I would have been one of those adoptees who would have told you that adoption didn't affect me. A lot of adoptees grow up feeling like that but don't realize that adoption is the cause until they have their own children or something else triggers it.  For me it was reading The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

It sounds awful, but if I could have chosen as a baby it would have been #1 Keep me, #2 Abort me, #3 Put me up for adoption.  

Your baby wants to be with you, for richer or poorer, through good times and bad.  I would have chosen the "harder" life if it meant I could have grown up with my natural family. At least then I would have known who I was and I would have felt whole.

Please think about it.

Answer 3

I am a birth mom who went through an agency in a closed adoption, but my roll was exactly the same as Teresa's, Reproduce and Disappear. No matter which route you choose be ready for what happens to the two of you afterward. Not to mention what changes your child will go through. It took 28 years for me to find peace after that day. That's how long it took for her to find me. It took another 8 years to find her father. She has been in complete reunion for 3 months. My best advice would be to do your home work and make sure this is what you want to do.

Adoption can be a good alternative. My daughter got great parents, but it didn't change the questions in her head or the feeling of not being quite part of the family.

Read up on the medical information nightmares some adoptee's face.

Answer 4

It depends largely on the role you want to take and that the parents want to take.....I would prefer open adoption, but it is your choice....see here for more info:

http://ffpa.org/faq.php4

Answer 5

ok, i can feel the thumbs down breathing down my neck, but here i go any way.....

i am an adoptee, not a birth/bio/first (whatever) parent. as a matter of fact my biomother is Lori A (above answerer).

yes she gave me up, yes she had remorse, yes she was unable to care for me. the list goes on. i agree you need to think long and hard about the choice you are about to make. it will be with you FOREVER. day and night, but .....

i was given a lease on life. my bioparents could not raise me, not at that time in thier lives. they did not dump me, i was not unwanted, i was unable to be cared for. period.

you do what is right in your heart. but do yourself a favor and honestly sit down and think about what you are doing. you have to have some amount of comfort with all this.

i thank Lori A and my biofather all the time for what they gave me. for being strong enough to admit their limitations and doing the selfless act. i had a great life and now, years later, i also have both bioparents too.

whatever you and your girlfriend decide, i wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

being counseled by an adoption agency???

guided by a lawyer???

Oh man, you sure are getting some sh*tty answers.

How about looking your son or daughter in the eyes when the/she comes into this world and giving parenting a try? You need to think (and read) about the life-long consequences of losing you flesh and blood forever. You can always make the decision to surrender your child AFTER he/she is born, but please, give the 3 of you a chance to be a family first!

I've "been there, done that" can't recommend it.

One link that I would ask you to read before you make this very permanent decision:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa... "Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption"

I really and sincerely wish that I had had even some of this information given to me before I signed TPR in 1984. Still regret losing my son to adoption.

PS: You are a father - not a "birth"father; your girlfriend is a mother - not a "birth"mother; that "birth" terminology is called coercion.

Best of luck with your family. Email me if you want some links for supporting your family staying together.

ETA: Well obviously you're very enlightened and caring - 1) you call your child "it" 2) you don't know what's going to happen - you want the "play by play" of how to get rid of your son or daughter. I'd give you the play by play of how it feels OVER YEARS to lose you child at every stage of his/her life but I don't think you care right now, and I am sorry for that, but it is soooooo typical of young people who lose their child to adoption. The magnitude of their "decision" only hits them years down the road when they think, "oh, ****, what have I done?"

best of luck!

Answer 7

Open adoptions are not law enforceable - once the adoptive family have that child - you could well be removed completely from the picture.

Do not believe all that adoptive parents, adoption agencies and adoption lawyers tell you.

Do some of your own research.

They want you to give up that baby.

That baby really just wants you to keep him/her.

Anything is possible.

Please just look to see if you are able to parent.

I ask you for your child's sake.

I had great adoptive parents - but - I missed my bio family all my 38 years of living.

I lost my name, my family, those that look and act like me, my heritage, my story, my self image, my self worth.

I finally found them these last 2 years - and although I finally have some peace from knowing why etc - it still hurts.

Thanks.

Answer 8

OMG, you've already gotten sucked in.  You are NOT birthparents!  You are expecting parents!  You are only a birthparent after you relinquish the child.  I despise the term, really.  To me, it say that "all we were good for was making and incubating a baby".  And that is basically what you are good for no matter what adoption route you take.  You both should really sit and think about this.  What if you change your mind at the child's birth?  Will you still feel obliged to hand the child over because of any costs the PAP's provide (medical bills, some misc expenses)?  Get on medicaid if you can and support yourselves, do not let them pay for things because then they will feel entitled to your baby.  Really sit and think about this.  Don't pursue an adoption plan until you are 100% certain that this is best.  And I mean 100% certain.  Get public assistance if you can and prepare yourselves for the new arrival.  If by the time your girlfriend is seven or eight months along and still feel this is best, then pursue it.  But not before hand!  Think long and hard for the next several months.  Many of us would hate to find out that your girlfriend had second thoughts and only relinquished because she felt pressured to do so.  Talk with your families.  Even if you feel you cannot care for an infant, you can find out if a family member is willing to adopt or even guardianship.  This way you can still be involved and possibly even obtain custody back once you are more situated.  If you decide on private adoption with a non related couple, don't fall for the "open adoption" sham.  Even if you have something in writing, open adoptions are not legally enforceable and the adoptive couple can cut you both off at any time they please (contract or no contract, the courts will side with the adoptive couple).  Some AP's even give PAP's  pointers about promising open adoptions just to obtain someone else's baby: "you can always close it once you get your baby".  Please think long and hard about this.  I know I've rambled, but you really need to research this before you jump.  Go to www.exiledmothers.com, www.keepyourbaby.com.  Some of those can give you links to other sites for more info.  Don't contact a lawyer or agency until you are dead certain, even if it means trying to parent the baby to see if you both can do it.

The "adoption worker" below me is failing to tell you that any "counseling" you will get from agencies or lawyers will be biased.  It will be all about how great adoption is, like there is no downside.  They will not tell you about the pain you might feel after relinquishing (if they do, they will tell your GF that it's "just the hormomes" talking).  Not all adoption are bad, that much I do agree on, but enough bad happens to make the need for reform.  Are you aware that if you relinquish your child, they will be unable to obtain their original birth certificate?  If your child is of mixed race, the agency or lawyer might not even work with you because they are only concerned with white babies.  Lots of things to sit and consider.

Answer 9

I so agree with beegirl...

It sounds like you've been going to very biased sites. You are expecting parents, you haven't terminated your rights. The birth- terminology is an industry ploy to make you feel psychologically distant from your unborn. To make you feel detached, so you are able to walk away from your firstborn, your flesh and blood, and allow others to earn thousands of dollars from the sale of your baby.   http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

Here's a page full of other parents ecperience with adoption http://www.exiledmothers.com/babies_take...

You should check out that whole site. Study about what losses your baby will feel. They aren't stupid, and parents aren't interchanable. Anyone else would be second best, in the most favorable situation. Often that doesn't even happen.

Answer 10

I say ignore all the "anti-adopt" answers and go with what's in your heart. Just because others have had bad experiences or are bitter about being adopted, doesn't mean that it will absolutley happen to you. It IS good to be informed of the laws, and therefore, risks to you as birthparents (Yes I said it- BIRTHPARENTS! suck it up! this is only as offensive of a term as you make it) loosing contact if you were to want an open adoption. I agree though, that going through an agency would help with counselling and with the legal stuff. There are non-for profit agencies out there that are good- I'd look up one of those.  The best of luck to you both and congratulations in your decision for the both of you, your baby, and your adoptive family.

Answer 11

you will need a lawyer and they will probably guide you.

Answer 12

I was given up for adoption at the age of 4 months.

It was the hardest thing I have had to live with for the last 34 years of my life.

It nearly destroyed my mother.

I really, really hope you consider long and hard the consequences of this on your child.  Yes, YOUR CHILD.  

Adoption is not giving your child a "better" life; it is giving your child away.  There are no guarantees your child will get "good" parents, that these people will love your child, will even stay together.  Have you noticed the divorce rates lately?  

Think about this.  

If there is any way possible that the two of you can parent your own child, then who is better suited than the people your child already knows and loves and is bonding with at this very instant?

Answer 13

In my private adoption, the play by play went as follows:

1.) Reproduce

2.) Disappear

There's some 'play-by-play' here too

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

Answer 14

There are several options available to you once you have made the decision this is what you truly want to do.  

You can proceed with a private adoption - however I highly recommend that you get your own attorney and the adoptive parents get their own attorney to insure that everything is done in the best interest of the child.

You can also go through an agency to do an "identified adoption".  This is how we did it.  We have a beautiful open relationship with our son's grandparents (the bio-parents chose to walk away from it).  We had a wonderful experience with our adoption agency and I would highly recommend them if you are on the East Coast.  If nothing else, they can give you information or possibly refer you to someone else who can help explain things to you.  We used Adoptions From the Heart (www.adoptionsfromtheheart).  Our son's bio-grandparents also speak highly of them too, so I know that they as the bio family were happy with how everything took place (and the bio family found us before we spoke to the agency).

Good luck to you.  Don't let some of the answers you received get you down.  This is a serious decision that you and your girlfriend must make for your child.  In the end, your opinions are all that matters.  Don't worry about what others say here.

Answer 15

It's good that you have a great family already.  But why not have them go through a licensed agency, so that you and they can receive adoption counseling?  So that they can be thoroughly checked out to make sure they have no hidden issues?   So you can get support services?  

The agency will take care of all the legal work as well.  And they can enforce any continuing contact plans you have for the future.  They act as your advocate.  This is called an "Identified Adoption" since you already have an adoptive family.  Agencies are familiar with this and can cater their services for you.

If you need anymore info, please feel free to email me.

Good luck!