Pro's and con's of adoption over having your own kids? Personal experience?

Question

I want to adopt a sibling group internationally when I'm older and I don't want to have my own kids.

The main difference I'm worried about is if my adopted kids will be too different from me (my personality, way of thinking, and values)? I know I am very similar to my birth parents and I'm extremely grateful that I was able to be raised with people who validated who I was, and understood me! It's great to be raised by people who are similar to you.

Parents who have adopted - are your kids very different from you? What has this been like? Is this totally okay? Do you treat your adopted kids the same as your birth kids? Are your birth kids much more like you?

I guess I don't want to regret not having my own kids too - even though I definitely want to adopt and think adoption is great.

Answer 1

I have done both!  Both are rewarding.  One thing I found with my little one I adopted is it took a little longer to bond.  I had to allow him time to accept me and trust me (we got him when he was 71/2 months).  With my other two the trust started the first time I held them.  Although it is different, there are many things that are the same.  I love all three and would do anything for them.  All my kids are mine and I feel extremely blessed to have each one of them.  As far as being different, we often hear about out adopted son looking like us.  People that don't know he is adopted tell us he looks just like us.....LOL.  I think adopted, step, whatever the case, children pick up mannerisms of their parents.  So although they don't physically look like the parent, they have similar gesture and expressions so they take on the look of mom and dad.

Answer 2

I cannot speak for a parent who has both adoptive and naturally born children, but I do have two adopted children.  I can't imagine loving anyone as much as my two sons.  You have to realize that there is no one who can answer that question..but you.  I know families who have both adoptive and naturally born children and they would NEVER say that they love one over the other.   I can tell you about my sons, though.  They have my sense of humor...their dad's intelligent way of questioning the world....they use words the way I do... I hear my voice coming out of their mouths all of the time...the inflections we use in joking....they walk, talk, act, think like us.  People often comment on how much they look like one of us...when we first meet and the adoption is unknown.   Why would you regret not having your "own" children...when you will have your "own" children?  They will love you and call you Mom and be there with you for the rest of the time you share this earth.  You just have to follow your emotions and decide if you want to carry the child in your womb or in your heart?

Answer 3

Bless your heart for wanting to adopt!

I have three children.  The first two are my biological children, and the third one was adopted at birth.  

I can testify to you that it does not matter how your children come into your family.  You love them all the same.  They all grow and develop at their own pace. They are all different in their own wonderful way.

I feel the same about all three children.  There is absolutely no difference in the relationship that I have with each child.

As far as looks and personality.....it has never made a difference. They are each their own individuals.

Best of luck to you and your future family.

Answer 4

My teacher in high school was adopted and she told us how she and her brother also adopted were a lot like their adoptive parents. So really it just depends. You could have natural children that have a completely different personality, way of thinking. Every person is unique and different.  

As far as values that are something children learn from their parents regardless if they are adopted children or natural children. It wouldn’t be a problem especially if the  children are very young. Even if they were older you could still teach them the values you have. You’d have to respectfully to the values they already have, customs etc.

You could still have a natural child and adopt too, a lot of people do.

Answer 5

You may want to read the book "Insight Into Adoption : What Adoptive Parents Need to Know About the Fundamental Differences Between a Biological and an Adopted Child --- and its Effect on Parenting" By Barbara Taylor Blomquist

Answer 6

I adopted both of my children, and they are MY OWN children.  

My oldest daughter is almost exactly like me in temperment, so much so that it's almost eerie.  My youngest is very different, but this has only made getting to know her that much more fun.

Answer 7

Your kids will be just like you because you will raise them.  Please don't use words like you want to adopt instead of having your own kids.  You should say biological instead.  When you adopt those kids, they WILL be your own.

Answer 8

On one had, I commend you for doing ur research about adoption.  Good for you for not taking a decision like this lightly.  On the other hand, if you have this many reservations about adoption, maybe you should think again.  These children have already had one huge trial in their short lives by being put up for adoption.  They deserve their second chance at a family to be perfect.

I want to adopt some day.  I have said it since I was a late teenager.  I have just always knew that there were kids out there who needed help, and one day, when I'm older, I will open up my home and help.  I have NO reservations.  I know it's the right thing for me to do.  I know God will give me the right child, at the right time.  NO second guessing, or worries that I might not love the child as much as a biological child.  It's a child.  If adoption is right, you'll love that child and protect that child with your life, just as if you gave birth.  Just don't make any decisions until all of your doubts are gone.  It is a lifetime commitment.

Answer 9

I think adoption is a wonderful idea. I mentioned the idea to someone and they said "i agree with your viewpoint, why reproduce when there are so many children that need parents?" I agree with this. I take it you are thinking kids personalities are based only on biological factors, when it is also based on enviromental factors. It is possible to have a child with a type of biological mental disorder... BUT.... it is also possible to have a child, raise it in a wonderful enviroment and it totally change the way they would have thought before, causing them to be a better person.

I was adopted... my biological mother has schizophrenia.. the worse kind... Its called disorganized schizophrenia. Well, my cousin, which is now my adoptive mother, has raised me since I was 9 months old. And I would have to say I'm just like her, and nothing like my real mother. I have a huge drive to succeed due to my mother's successfulness.. I have a lot of my adoptive mothers characteristics.. Don't worry so much about the biological effects, because usually the enviroment is what causes a child to become the way they are. And I was treated the same as my adoptive mother's biological son. Her son is nothing like her.. He is a drunk and gambler.. I am not. I'm more like her than my brother is... So don't worry on your adoptive kids being very different from you. She has instilled a lot of positive factors in me that my brother does not have. He refuses to go to college, when i love college. If you think you might regret not having your own kids, then I would suggest making one of your own and adopting one to a few more...

Hope this helps.

Answer 10

My son is adopted, but I have so many people, including his biological family, who feel that he looks just like ME!  

I truly believe that EVERY child is different from their parents in certain ways - regardless of whether or not they were adopted.  And I truly believe that EVERY child will have similarities with their parents.  As a parent, you teach and mold children into your own values and beliefs.  The more you teach your child, the more they will be like you.

Our son is so much like us, and yet extremely different too.  He suffers from a life-threatening genetic disorder, that no one else in our "blood-line" suffers from.  Does that make him different?  Yes.  But does that mean he isn't our child in every way?  No.  We love him - and that is what makes a family....LOVE.  

Good luck to you.

Answer 11

I have not had Bio Kids- But I can tell you it is the beautiful differences and similarities that you will enjoy most in all of your children. Your kids will adapt to your ideals (most likely) and will reflect certain aspects of your personality. I don't regret not having  Bio kids ever.

Answer 12

Even if your children are biologically yours, there is no guarantee that they will have your personality, way of thinking, or values.  The nature vs. nurture debate has been going on forever and you should do some research the subject and read studies that have been done.

Furthermore, the children that I have which were adopted at birth, are my own even though I did not give birth to them.

Answer 13

You do not sound as if you could love any child unconditionally, so therefore, please -- do not adopt.  If you do not consider the children you are thinking of adopting as "your own children" then you would do them a huge disservice by trying to be their parents!  And, if you are already looking for likeness to you (how egotistical) or fearing differences, then I pity your biological children as well.  Please, think about your intentions, your expectations, and what horrible unfair responsibilities you are putting on your possible children!  Don 't adopt.

Answer 14

I would not worry about it.  If you have real love for those kids, that will overpower any such concern and it will be a non-issue, I guarantee it.

Answer 15

I chose adoption as my first choice in having children. As far as I know I can conceive and give birth but at 36 years of age decided I did not want to go that route. I was a little older, single but wanted children. I decided to adopt. Many of my friends suggest going out a few weekends and being careless if you know what I mean. To me that is just not right. If a man produces a child he has the right to know. Other friends wanted me to use a sperm donor. One friend told me it's like going shopping. You pick out hair color, skin color, height, weight, etc. It'll be fun. That was not what I wanted either. I didn't want to be single, pregnant, living alone and go into labor in the middle of the night. I also did not want to have to deal with the every two hours feeding 24 hours a day. Some friends thought I would "wish I had given birth". I will be 44 in a few days, have had my daughter with me rom more than three years, and have never once regretted my decision or wished I had given birth instead.

I do sometimes wish I had given birth to my child but not for my sake but hers. I know being adopted will bring issues for her. Right now she knows she is adopted but does not understand yet where babies come from. A friends daughter was pregnant and I told my daughter that she had a baby in her tummy and she looked at me like I had six heads. It completely floored her. I have heard that many adopted children wish they came from their mommy's tummy once they are old enough to understand where babies come from. But my child would not have come from my womb. It took the genetic make of of two people half way around the world to produce this child and the love and nurturing she receives from me to finish the job of brining her to adulthood.

No regrets here and I still would chose adoption over giving birth. Some freinds thought I would still wish I had given birth  but after seeing so many women going through the "side effects" of pregnancy I say no thank you. Swollen ankles? acne? stretch marks? gestational diabetes? aching back? gaining 20 to 30 pounds most of which is not baby? I would rather suffer the emotional roller coaster that is adoption than go through any of the physical stuff.  

If you are looking for a sibling group, it would most likely be more affordable to adopt domestically. The costs of adoption are only reduced by the travel costs when you adopt multiple children at the same time (sibling group or otherwise). If you adopt three biologically related children the costs will be multiplied by three. The only cost savings from doing this is that you will not have to pay the travel costs three times for yourself BUT you will have to pay for three children coming home at the same time. You will still need to pay for three agency fees, three immigration fees, I am not sure about the home study but I suppose you could save there too as you would only need three copies of the one document. All of the paperwork for each of the children in their birth country will need to be paid and they do not give you a three for one.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

Answer 16

I was adopted, I loved my adoptive parents but there was always a spot that felt like it was empty. I always wanted to know about my real parents and wondered why they didn't want me. I was very much different from my adoptive parents and everyone used to tell us that I looked nothing like them. Then it was hard for me when my friends would talk about where they got certain traits from (like eye color and hair color). Now I have a daughter and I will never be able to understand why anyone would put there kid up for adoption. Cause I found out that my parents couldn't afford to keep me and my sister but after they put us up for adoption they could afford to go get drunk at parties. Also it was hard for my adoptive parents cause they didn't always understand why I wanted to know about my real parents so badly. It was just hard for all of us.

Answer 17

There are a lot of variables here that you need to consider. Most countries that have sibling groups available for adoption also have problems. Often these issues vary by country-fetal alcohol syndrome (some Eastern European), exposure to violence (Haiti for example), poor orphanage care (resulting in attachment disorder).  So you need to study up on the where so you know whether you can help the children that you adopt.

I have 4 children. 3 are biological and 1 is adopted. They are all different. There are some interests and traits like mine and some that are not. I often say to my husband about my adopted daughter, "She takes after you."