Problems at daycare?

Question

hi, i have just been told that my just turned 3 year old son isnt talking much, participating much with the group activities and isnt giving the teachers much eye contact aswell as not letting the teachers touch him, they said he shows signs of autism. this is not true at home, he doesnt shut up he is out going and plays with my friends children all the time, he always has eye contact, he is a happy playful boy. that loves cuddles and kisses off friends and family. what should i do??? i have told the teacher that he is like this at home and she said that she will assess him further next year. should i change daycares? i know my son isnt autistic, it must just be a problem at school

Answer 1

Teachers have to follow some ethical procedures before making any referral related to the observed behavior of any child. They are not allowed to make diagnosis as they are not psychologists, psychiatrists or specialists of that kind.

You mentioned your child is normal in your house and other environments and was normal for the other teachers before. You also mentioned there were many changes in staff. That's bad for a child of any age, but many children develop strange behaviors when they are faced with changing caregivers. They just don't want to be emotionally involved with someone if they are not sure that that person is going to be there the day after.

But, as a psychopedagogist myself, I suggest you take your child to a family doctor and talk about those behaviors.

You also have the right to ask the teacher for an observation chart. If she noticed strange behaviors, she needs to make notes about what happen, in what situations and with whom. She also need to consult the case with other teachers related to your son and don't talk about diagnosis because that is not her role.

I suggest you make an educated reserach before deciding change your child. So many changes are not good for that age. First, you have to take your child to a real doctor (just to be sure and relaxed about the subject). Second, you have to be sure that if you change him to another centre, it will be really good and staff won't change so fast.

Answer 2

I won't worry too much. Some kids are very introverted in crowds. Sounds like adults right? Some are the life of the party some of us are wall flowers. You sound like you have good attentive teachers. Can you do a parents day and observe him a little without him noticing mom is there and then coming into the room. If he springs to life when you show up then you know he's just nervous.

Not to make you more worried but I remember kindergarden well because I had a bully. Took all my toys, blocked me into things, pushed me off swings, and when I would cry they would act really nice infront of the teachers.  Then my bully would be nice. I never told anyone but I was miserable. My parents took me to child psychologists, pediatritians, developmental therpaists, and no one knew what was wrong, I did.

I think if anyone told me at that time that bullies are good to you sometimes and bad other times I probably would have said something.

Answer 3

How long has he been at that daycare? If it has not been long, then I would say give it some more time, but it has been more than a few months, I would definately change! Its no reason for a child to have to deal with that everyday.  He probably hates going there, and at age three, he should basically be loving everything.  Honestly, his teachers may be acting mean towards him, and he is upset by that.  Hope I helped.

Answer 4

It could be that the mix of kids at the pre-school is not right for him.  Does he have a late birthday and the rest of the children are older?  Do the other children know each other from outside the school?  It wouldn't hurt though to  have your son assessed.  There are many federally funded pre-school programs.  Call your local school to find out more information.

Answer 5

There are a lot of dynamics at work here that it's a hard question to give a perfect "yes or no" answer to.  Let me start off by saying a little of my experience of autism (just from looking into it because of children I worked with that have had it in the past).  Then I'll address whether your son might or might not be autistic (I honestly can't even give a guess without seeing him).  I'd also like to bring up exactly what the teacher's role is in this and give you some sort of guideline to go by on how to handle this with your school.

Autism generally has qualities such as problems in social interaction, difficulty communicating, repetitive behavior, and very specific interests.  Some things you may want to watch for is not whether he's playing with children all the time, but how the playing goes.  Does it seem a bit different from the other children?  Instead of playing with cars normally, would he rather line them up or sort them by colors?  Make a pattern?

Not that this means he's autistic necessarily.  

This is also compounded by the fact that it is hard to diagnose autism.  Nobody has a perfect understanding of autism and there are varying degrees on the Autistic Spectrum.  Asperger Syndrome is like a mild form of autism that does carry many of the things you mentioned him doing at school.  However, that can also be attributed to a variety of reasons.  The change of teachers and owners can be a contributing factor.  He might simply not want to get attached to someone that will leave soon and want to avoid all contact, whether it's eye contact or physical contact.

To start to sort out the reasons why they see your son having difficulty, I would start by talking to him.  Just ask him how his day was and keep your questions open ended.  Rather than ask, "Was there anything you didn't like today?" (He'll be more prone to say yes and think about things he didn't like), try asking it differently.  "How was your day?"  A great book for ANY parent or person that works with children is "How to talk so your children will listen and listen so your children will talk."  (I forget the exact name.  If you have trouble finding it, let me know).  It gives great ideas on how to keep your children talking without "leading" them to answers.  (We do that unintentionally at times)  If he raises a lot of concerns about school, then you may want to consider changing.  If he seems to enjoy it, then you may want to consider keeping him there.  However, there seem to be 2 *BIG* red flags just from this post that would make me reconsider staying there.

Don't leave because they brought concerns up with you.  You want this.  Even if you disagree with what they're saying, you still want a school that cares enough to talk to you about whatever concerns there are.  However, the red flag for me is not how quickly they seemed to jump to this idea (a lot of information was probably passed on from the older teachers to the newer ones.)  The problem is how they addressed it.  A teacher is not a qualified doctor.  They did not say your son has autism, but they implied diagnosing him with autism.  The teacher's role is not to diagnose.  The teacher's role is to describe to you what concerns they see at school and suggest that you have these concerns looked at by your doctor.  It is your doctor, not your teacher, that can diagnose autism or anything else.  The problem I see is that to say "it might be autism" after seeing the child 6 times is not only fast, but it's an unkosher thing to do in my opinion as a teacher no matter how many times you have seen the child.  The only exception might be if you know the parent very well and you're not speaking as a teacher at that time, but as a friend to the parent.  Even then, I cannot diagnose it at all.

The 2nd red flag for me is you mentioned he was there for a year and there have been frequent owner and teacher changes.  How long has he been with the current teacher he is with?  If she seems steady, that may be a reason to stay.  If that class changes teachers a lot, it's a sure sign to get out quickly.  The teachers won't tell you all the "behind the scene" stuff that seems wrong with the school.  Many daycares do have a high turnover rate and that does not necessarily make them bad places.  But your child (not just yours...every child) needs stability.  The more you can find a place that provides that, the better his environment will be.

It sounds like he is in a place where the people care.  It is hard for a teacher or administrator to bring up any issue with a parent when they notice the child is acting differently for some reason.  I give the school full kudos for being honest and discussing the problem with you.  My big issue is that, at least how I read the story, they tried to diagnose something they are not equipped to diagnose.  My suggestion, as a parent, is to observe him carefully and take notes of HOW he's playing with other children and notes on how the children play with and around him.  If you notice some sort of difference, ask the school to write up notes about what they have seen (not their interpretation of it) and discuss it all with your doctor.  It may be something or it may be nothing...I don't know.  But if there is something to what they are saying, early intervention and strategies provided to the child is the key to helping him.

Matt

Answer 6

Well, they aren't telling you this because they are necessarily bad providers.  Clearly they are paying enough attention to him to understand that there is a problem. I think you should go ahead and be on the safe side and have him checked out at the doctors. Tell them both sides of behaviors. I think if you just pull him out and change daycares w/o understanding what is going on, then you could be teaching him that if he acts up, he can get his way. He may not like a kid at school, he may actually have a bit of trouble keeping up with certain activities and so he withdrawls. You need to investigate before you make rash actions and accuse the daycare of being bad. it's very easy to look at everyone else vs. our own child, but you should want to be safe and go ahead and have him checked out.

Answer 7

Although teachers are very experienced and see many children in different situations, I would keep their opinions at bay, I wouldn't be too concerned just yet.  It seems that he just may need to adjust to daycare.  I don't think I would change daycares, I would visit him at school and see if you can observe him without him knowing you are there.  Knowing your child, you may be able to figure out what is going on with him.  Are there many children that are his age?  Is he playing with toys that he would normally play with at home?  Is there a routine at daycare?  There are many other factors that play into a child's social behaviors that need to be taken into consideration.  Good luck!

Answer 8

what she said.

Answer 9

Has he been going there long?  I have a 3 year old boy, who acts the same as you described yours does at home.  But in new surroundings he is really quiet until he feels 100% comfortable, and VERY consciensious of his space.  Maybe that daycare isnt providing enough activities to hold his interest, problem with another child (one day a child took his stuffed animal and the next morning as hard as it was for him he insisted on leaving it home and was hesitant to go)  or maybe children not close enough to his age group.  

I would see how it goes depending on how long hes been there and then maybe starting looking elsewhere for places that are able to keep him involved and having fun.

Answer 10

you should play with your son more and get some learning activity toys and get friends and family to play too, soon enough your son will adapt to this and will change, he is probably just abit shy, alot of kids are, it's not a problem :)

Answer 11

im not sure how long he has been at that day care but if it has been a while then he should talk . my daughter who is 2 and very smart for her age went to a daycare for a year at the end of that year they began to act surprised when she would say bye n thats when they told me she act shy at school. I changed day to a great daycare where she was a little shy but now she doing great! they have group activites where they whole class sings and do good mornings together I believed that helped also her class is smaller some days its only 4 kids . so he may not feel secure enough to open up at daycare