Problems with behaviour of 6 year old girl - help?

Question

I feel absolutely worn out, been crying since yesterday evening. I just have had enough with my daughter. She refuses to do what she's asked, won't stay in bed (always been a difficult sleeper), has tantrums - a lot I think due to tiredness. I don't feel supported by my husband, who always had late nights as a kid so doesn't really back me up as much over this and panders to her by helping her with jobs that she should do by herself by now like getting dressed in the mornings. My son was much more able to get on and do these things himself at an earlier age. I've never had behavioural problems with my son.

So I guess my main problems are:

1. not going to sleep at bedtime

2. not doing what she's asked (put toys away, go brush your teeth etc.)

3. tantrums.

4. she wants your attention NOW! Has a tantrum when I can't do it now - like make her a drink when I'm just dealing with raw meat preparing for dinner (has no concept of time - like give me 5 minutes and I'll do it)

Answer 1

doesnt sound like she has a clinical "sleep" problem, because it would show in her behavior at school too.  Sounds like she is just being difficult at home for whatever reason.   Try something new, its going to be hard, but see if this works.  Use very tough love with her but also listen to her.  Ask her what she needs from you because they way you two currently exist just isnt working.   Give her a little wiggle room as to her 'routine'  just set a timer in the AM and let her know she needs to be dressed, hair and teeth brushed etc by the time the buzzer goes off.  If she isnt ready she goes as is.    I did this with my son and was a bit rocky at first but he liked the flexibility i was giving him and also the independence.  she needs  a bit more independence and control - without taking over.  She is 6 so loosen the reigns a bit and you will see a nice change.

the important thing is to let her know that she has to live up to her end of the deal - if she acts up, is rude or doesnt respect you immediately remove her from the situation.  If she acts like a toddler she will be controlled like one.  Dont yell, just lead her to her room and have her sit there for 7 minutes.  Then have her discuss with you what she did wrong. Have her tell you in her words what she did wrong and correct until she states it correcly.  Keep doing this, even if it means leaving a party, playdate, park etc.  If she is disrepectful - leave and put her in her "time-out" spot to think about her behavior.

Kids need boundaries, they will continue to challenge until they understand what they are.  Get back in charge, you are her mother.  dont break down, get strong!!!

good luck, trust me i know its hard. i have cried many times but my son is a well-behaved 7 year old now.  He has him moments, but its all typical stuff i can handle.  He respects me and we communicate so much better than we did before.

Answer 2

This behavior is situation specific. If you don't feel supported by your husband this may be a big part of the problem.

If a child senses dissension in the ranks they can and will play on it.

See if you can get your husband to come to an agreement with you on the way you should raise your child, and boundaries, etc. If you can agree that will help your child. If you cannot agree, you need to insist on seeing a counsellor or mediator for the sake of your child.

Try to concentrate on one thing at a time - why don't you leave the bed time issue for a bit and instead get her to do something constructive at night, ie. sit in bed and read a book.

If you work on getting her to listen and obey by putting things away, etc you will have had a small victory and can them move on to the next thing. You might like to use star charts and tell your child what you are working on. let her know that she is trying to do better to earn a reward.

And when she performs give her plenty of encouragement. Then keep at it.

Answer 3

She is an angel at school because she is clever enough to know that her tantrums would not be accepted there and she don't want to look silly in front of her class mates, she is just winding you up, I would either ignore her little moods and even slap her if she insists and as for bed time if she don't go the you take her there and keep doing so until she respects you as she does her school. My daughter is regarded by all that meet her as an angel but she sure has a large mouth when she talks to me or her mother.

Answer 4

Firs off, you need to sit down with your husband and make sure you are both on the same page.  If you tell her to do something, he should back you up--parents should never take sides against each other, at least in front of the children.  If he disagrees with something you have told your daughter, he should tell you about it in private.  

Your daughter appears to have figured out which one of you is the softie in the household, and she is clearly using that to her advantage.  You need to put a stop to that now before it goes any further.

Make a chart with her various chores, responsibilities, and your expectations of her, including dressing herself, getting to bed on time (and staying there), not throwing tantrums, and so forth.  Make sure you praise her and give her a gold star when she does something good, such as getting dressed, having a day without a tantrum, and so forth, but the chart should also be used to point out when she isn't doing what is expected of her, so that appropriate consequences may follow.

It sounds like there are a lot of issues to address, such as how to get her to fall asleep easier at night, making bedtime routines, quelling the tantrums, teaching her to address you in a respectful tone, and more.  Perhaps you might find a book about parenting and discipline to be useful, since it will probably address all of these issues for you and make suggestions about how to fix them.  I found Dr. Sears's books about toddler and preschooler discipline to be very helpful, and I am pretty sure he has on ethat addresses school-aged children.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

Things sound tough in your household

The first thing I think you should do is sit down and talk to your husband.  You need him on board!  Without his support things will only get worse as your daughter will be already feeling confused over your parenting styles.

1. Does she have a bath, and a bedtime story to assist her to settle down?  If not, try this.  Next have you tried sitting with your daughter in her room as she goes to sleep.  Not interacting with her, just being in the room.  

2. If she's not doing what she's asked, she needs to be put in time out for 6mins (her age) or she needs to lose privileges.  Is she looking forward to playing with a friend at their house? If she misbehaves, then she needs to lose this privilege and you have to stick to it.  If she doesn't put her toys away - fine - no toys for her to play with next time.  If she doesn't brush her teeth - she misses out on a snack.

3 - With tantrums get down to her level and tell her you won't tolerate it.  If she continues, ignore it.  If you feel like you're losing your cool, take a breather, just make sure she is safe from physically lashing out at anything.  For example, take a breather outside but keep an eye on her in the window, that way you're making sure she's safe but you don't have to hear it quite so loud!  If ignoring doesn't snap her out of it, it's back to losing privileges, toys etc when she comes around.  How about a reward chart for every half day/day she goes without a tantrum?

4.  Clearly she's a bit young for the concept of time.  However think about buying an egg timer and saying I will be with you soon - when the egg timer has run out.  This gives her a visual clue as to when she can next come back to remind you.  Always try to give her your full attention after the timer has run its course as she has done really well by patiently waiting.

Above all praise, praise, praise!  She needs to know when she's been really good.

Also remember that any negative attention is still attention to her so you need to try and ignore the irritating behaviour she is displaying.

Best of luck.  I really hope you're husband gets on board and this helps.  If it doesn't and you've tried everything, I would try and arrange some counselling either for yourself and your husband to cope with her and gain more strategies or counselling for your daughter - there could be an underlying problem.

Answer 6

I dont know if I can help you any, as you just described my 6 year old daughter to a T. I am about ready to cry myself. my daughter too is an angel at school etc. or at someone elses house. But at home lately she is sooo whiney and non-compliant, having meltdowns over "please go and brush your teeth". She is being very dramatic and if I get stern with her, she tells me how mean I'm being, how I'm upsetting her and hurting her feelings etc. She makes me constantly justify anything Ive asked her to do. Before I know it I'm arguing back and forth with her, and it shouldnt be like that. Ive heard some good things about a Parenting DVD called 1-2-3 Magic or something like that, I'm going to borrow a copy and give that a try, for a new approach. Apparently its simple and easy and stops the back and forth arguing etc.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

Your daughter sounds EXACTLY like my little sister, shes seven. I know where you are coming from, i have to look after her very often when my moms at work and it feels as though i can't do anything right. She will always want to do the opposite i tell her to. She answers you back as though shes a teenager and then throws tantrums like a 3 year old. I think its as though they act young for their age and seem to be worse when their tired. Your daughter don't seem to be any different and i don't think she has any problems. I just think she's been a 6 year old and is playing for your attention. Aslong as she has no behaviour problems at school you have nothing to worry about. They will soon grow out of it! My sister seems to be totally different if you keep her busy by putting a film on for her or taking her swimming. And say "Im going to do this for you now you must do this for me." Good Luck, hope i helped a little. :)

Answer 8

The next time that she refuses to do something you should give her a good spanking of 3-5 hard swats with your hand.  Afterwards make sure she understands why she got spanked and let her know she will get one if she does it again in the future.  The next time she refuses to do something, ask her if she wants another spanking and tell that she will get one if she doesn't do as she is told.  She'll probably be well-behaved then, but may need the occasional spanking as a reminder.

Answer 9

try asking the teachers for help.....tell them that you're having trouble with her at home, and ask if they can suggest anything.

have you asked her if everything is okay at school? maybe she is having trouble with her friends? i'm not a mother myself, but i do have an eight year old sister, and i know she can be a pain sometimes.

try some of these things, they may work.

hope they help

Answer 10

She is probably knows how to push your buttons if she doesnt act like it in school it doesnt sount like a behavioral problem. It's not going to be easy but you need to Most inportant: STAY CALM! DONT YELL!She is looking for a reaction when she does something that she knows pushes your buttons. Kids look for attn, even negative they will take. Remember to focus on the good. Praise, praise, praise the good behavior. You need natural consequenses for not picking up toys and not brushing her teeth. Like say "time to pick up. Do you want to pick up your toys or do you want me to?" The first time she will probably sat you but then she will learn that if you pick them up she wont see those toys until she earns them back..say doing an extra chore to your liking. She will start to learn its better to pick up after herself or she doesnt get to see those toys till she earns them back. Not brushing teeth means absolutly no sugar all day. Becuase sugar is what hurts your teeth and if she doesnt brush- No sugar. They learn quick from this one too. I had to even write my 6 yr old teacher a note telling her the situation and that I didnt want ther having thier m&ms they have every day and why. The teacher helped me out w my disapline. It worked the first day :) Its not easy but over time they will learn you are in charge again. Go to the library and find some paretning books to help. My daughter was very similar to yours it sounds like. I've learned stuff from reading and looking up on the net. Now life is alot easier. She still has some moments but it's way better and I feel we respect eachother more now. Good Luck . I know your pain

Answer 11

She needs consequences for her misbehavior. Give her a choice, either do as she's told or suffer the consequences.

Make a list of punishments and dole them out for bad behavior.

Answer 12

It sounds like something is really going on in her life I would talk to her teacher for suggestion and talk to her about why she doing what she doing.If something is going at school ask for the teacher and school counselor help or get her in to counselings outside of school.

Other thing you can do

Discipline her when she does these things and ignore when she whines.

Answer 13

if she is good at school you know it is not something like ADHD or anything else. It is called "little brat syndrome" you need to come down hard on her and beconsistant with punishment..

doesn't put toys away...throw the toys in the bin (you will only need to do this a couple of times at most before she starts picking up)

at 6 you should be brushing her teeth. Parents need to so it till 8 years old as they don't have the dexterity to do it properly.

Not going to sleep at bedtime. At 6 she is old enough to know to stay in bed. If she gets up tell her their will be a consequence and FOLLOW through. Take away toys/no friends over/no birthday party (if she has been invited lately) what ever you choose make sure you can follow through. My son is a terror for getting up for different excuses. I have just put him to bed and I have told him there will be no warnings..if he gets up I will shut his door. He knows I follow through and he has not gotton up.

She wants a drink. get it herself, at 6 she is old enough to turn on a tap for water.

Tantrum. A smack on the leg and put in time out works well

Now your husband. he is as bigger problem as your daughter has learnt he is on her side and is playing you off. You need to sit and tell him that the rules are changing. If he doesn't want to help then leave her to him. HE must put her to bed and HE must deal with her all the next day when she is tired and throwing a tantrum. If it is while you are doing something like cooking dinner, then he takes over that chore and deals with her while you go out for a walk. He needs consequences for his behaviour as well and what better than making him deal with her.

Answer 14

Your husband sounds like mine when it comes to my sons behavior.  My son has his moments too.  I really have tried everything to the tough love moments to hugging and kissing him telling him I love him.  

1.  in regards to not going to sleep at bedtime.  I got to the point that I read them a book each.  say goodnight and if they don't go to sleep they have to at least stay in their beds with the lights off.  My son would play with cars for a few minutes before he crashed and my daughter would just talk to her dolls.

2. Not doing what is asked : I was told to make him do chores and make a chart and put stickers up.  I even went so far as making a money tray and put a penny, dime, nickle, or even a quarter in for every thing he did something and at the end of the week he could buy something small of course.

3. if my son threw a tantrum or didn't do what I asked I would take away 1 to 2 of that change .  Boy for that 6 year old if you took away that money he would just die.  I really don't like paying for chores, but in this case it's working.  Before I did this I would cry too.  It gets to overwelming.  

4. My kids do the same thing they would bug me to get them something to drink when I was doing something at the time and would ask every 10 -20 seconds.  I did tell them to hold on, but as you said they have no concept of time.  What I did was put in the fridge (where they could reach it) a capri sun or a juice box and when they would ask I told them to get it I was busy at that moment.  Also I would ask them to help me with dinner. Good luck and keep trying to talk to your husband.