Problems with in-laws.. Everyone thinks i am overreacting.. Am i?

Question

I know it's long, sorry.

Ok so my son is 7months old..

My husband's family ADORE him, his great grandma always asks me to take him to her house, where her daughter (hubby's aunt) lives, we'll call her 'L'. So after months of begging i thought i'd take him to their house while i worked, i work 3hrs on sat so it'd be a good start, I took my son & left for work.

I called & they said he was sleeping, then after i got off i went to pick my little one & nobody was home! (WTF?) so i called hubby & he said he'd call his aunt, he called me back & said they were on their way home. A few minutes later she calls me & tells me she'll see me at my house. SO there i go almost in tears, i was so upset & worried words can't describe it, needless to say i decided to NEVER AGAIN leave my son with them, they went to a ranch or something far from the city without asking me OR EVEN TELLING ME!!

Now my mom, cousins, sister think that i am overreacting, that they love him so much & didn't want to do any harm, they are pretty much his only family, from my side he only has grandparents & an aunt.. My mom thinks i am being selfish for not wanting to 'share' my son with them, they are his family too & he is happy with them..

The only one who agrees with me is my Dad, lol, he thinks i should never leave my son with them again. I was worried sick! They didn't ask me, they knew i was coming to get him & didn't care.. Then L comes to my house as if nothing happened, happy as can be.. telling what an angel my son is.. Arrgh!!

We had agreed that L would take my son 2 saturdays a month. My husband agrees with whatever i decide to do. I am thinking about it because my husband's family is very close, they have BBQs and parties all the time & there's lots of other children in the family & it is a good environment for my son. They love him dearly & i don't know if i should just cut them off like that.

What do you think? What would you do?

Thanx

Answer 1

I don't really see a big problem.  They should have told you they were going if you are available for phone calls....but they probably really thought nothing of it.  Just tell them you'd like to know if they will be going anywhere far away.  You have to understand that just because they are doing you a favor by babysitting while you work that they cannot be tied down.  If I leave Emma with someone and they go to the grocery or someplace else they have to go I don't really worry.  Just explain your feelings to them.

Answer 2

awww, please dont just cut them off! Your little baby deserves as much love from his family as he can get. I know how you feel though and I know you were worried but if you know how much they love him and care about him then maybe they just made a mistake...a very big one in your opinion but a mistake none the less. Obviously they didnt think it would be a big deal or they wouldnt have risked it and taken him that far away without asking you. I would just let them know how worried you were and make sure they know not to go far from home without telling you first and getting your permission...my advice would be not to  turn this into a huge deal and really just get over it, make up and be a happy family and dont take away people who love your baby because the messed up one time. Good luck!

Answer 3

Your not overreacting at all.  You are his mom and you were worried.  However I do not think cutting them off is a good choice either.  I think what I would do is let them watch him again but make sure they tell you their plans for him for the day.  If the plans end up changing they have to call you first.  I do know how hard it is to leave you child with someone and then they leave and you don't know where your child is.  My mother in law did this a few times. I trust her completely but it is still frustrating so I made it clear to her that she had to let me know some way some how where she is going and what she is doing if she left my house.  She also had to get my permission as well.  I know that some people believe that they are watching your child so they can leave and do things with your son well that is not the case he is your son and they need permission to do things with him.  I would just make that clear to them and try it again. If they break your rules then I suggest not letting them watch your son.  

Answer 4

I think that they should have had the decency to tell you they were planning on going out and if it was okay with you but I think you might slightly be over-reacting by totally cutting them off what would happen if you had an emergency in your family and you had no-one to look after the little guy.

What I would suggest is that you still have contact with the family but with you being there until you can regain there trust.

I personally always feel awkward leaving my son with my in-laws but have no qualms leaving him with my Mum I think its just an insecurity.

Hope you get things sorted.

Answer 5

You are 100% in the right. They had no business taking your 7 month old out of their home with out your permission and with out even letting you know. I would have been VERY angry.

You need to set expectations with these people. Unless you feel their behavior is bad and they are not a good influence on your son, all you need to do is set the boundaries and make sure they understand your expectations. Tell them that under no circumstances are they allowed to take your son in their car and out of their home when they are babysitting. Your husband needs to stand by you and be part of the communication since this is his family. You can also make the decision that they can only watch him in your home.

The bottom line is, he is your son and you set the rules! It really does not matter what anyone else thinks. You need to trust your judgment and make sure everyone understands the rules, and if they ignore them, they should never be allowed to watch him again.  

Answer 6

Well I can understand why you were so upset. Leaving you baby with them for the first time and going to pick him up and no one was there. I would go ahead and give them another chance. Explain to them that if they happen to anywhere, call you and let you know. Tell them you were very worried about him the last time and when you get off of work, you want to come and see him right away because you miss him. If they dont call you the next time and something like this happens, I wouldnt let them watch him again.  

Answer 7

Just tell them they HAVE to tell you if they take your child out of the home, even if its to the store 3 blocks down the street.  

Answer 8

No harm was actually done, but I do agree that if they were going to take him out they should have informed you. For the future make it certain that they know that you must be informed if they are taking him out while sitting him. It is only common courtesy.

Answer 9

I can certainly understand where you were upset and how scary that must have been.  That said, it doesn't sound like they were being malicious - probably just weren't thinking to call you.  I would consider giving them another chance.  I'd be clear about your rules - that you want to be called if they take your son anywhere, or whatever they may be.  If they then continue to go against your wishes, then I'd tell them its not working out to have them care for your son.  

Good luck!!

Answer 10

i would let them try again, but with very, very strict instructions.

i would ask them to call if they are taking him anywhere, and to always tell me what is happening with my son.

i'd tell them that i would prefer if they stay home during those 3hrs, or call and let me know before going anywhere.

I'd ask them to be home when i go to collect him.

lay down the rules, and if they are happy to follow your rules, let them try again to look after him.

if they aren't happy with your rules, then respectful decline allowing them to sit for him in future.  

Answer 11

why was the ranch so important for them anyway???

couldn't they just way?

you're his mom and if you think this has made you worried then you can make it clear for them that your little son needs more attention

but still I guess they did all they could and they didn't tell you because they didn't want you to come all the way back and take him and they wanted to show you that they CAN take care of your child

I guess you shouldn't be so angry about this

good luck

Answer 12

you aren't required to "share" your son with them...they're family, yes, but they aren't exactly as close to him as you are and you get the final say. I think if they want to see him so bad they should take the time to come visit him at YOUR house. you shouldn't be required to drive over there if they're the ones wanting to see him. they should have never taken him so far without your permission. what if something had happened?

Answer 13

You are not over-reacting.  Listen to your gut, and if that is not enough for you, listen to your dad.  It may not make you popular, but mothering is not a popularity contest.  

Answer 14

yes, you should be angry.  it would be a while before i left him with them again and when i did i would make sure they know not to take him anywhere without my knowledge

Answer 15

It sounds like this is really hard for you but I think in the long run it will be better for your son to be able to see his dad's family, just set them some ground rules (like asking you if they want to take him out somewhere).  Life is much easier all round if you can get on with your in-laws, and I think that first step is the hardest.

Good luck!

Answer 16

I don't think you are overreacting. I would be mad too. I would never let them keep my child again with out me there too. Maybe you could give them another chance, but that is up to you only. Its your child, you need to feel that he is safe. My husband's parents took my son out to breakfast one day and brought him back 6 hours later. We called their cell phones 12 times and they never returned our calls. I was so upset. When they dropped him off I grabbed him out of their arms and walked into a different room with out saying a word. Words can't describe the fear you go through when you have no idea where your child is. He was 16 months old at the time. They get mad because I don't want them to take him very often anymore. I was terrified that day that something had happened to him . I don't wanna go through that ever again.

Answer 17

I'd be upset too, if i came to pick my baby up, and no one was home.  You don't know where they were, if they were OK.  As a mom, you have a right to know where your baby is, at all times...

I would lay down the rules.  Tell them that they are not to go anywhere without your approval.  (did they use a car seat when they left?  I'd be pi$$ed off if they didn't)  

But, i dont think you are beling selfish.  You are just being a typical mother, who's protective of her child.  If you dont feel comfortable with them watching your baby, then dont leave him there anymore!  Never doubt your gut feeling about it.

Answer 18

i would be extremely angry that they didnt tell me, but i wouldnt cut them off. they love and care for him. i would simply explain that you dont want them to ever do it again and explain why.

i can definatley see why you would think about it tho

Answer 19

Well, first off that would p**s me off to no end.  I certainly hope they had a car seat.  

Anyway I probably wouldn't cut them off if they truly love him and it is a good environment for him.  I would talk to them about how it made you feel and ask that they inform you of what they do with him at all times in the future.  If they can agree with that then I would give them another chance.  Two strikes and you are out.  

Answer 20

I think you have every right to feel this way.  I wouldn't in anyway recommend not allowing him to go over there though.  To be fair, it would only be right to sit down with them and have a conversation about how you feel, as far as them taking him some where with out your prior knowledge.  Because I would be highly upset.  My own parents wouldn't take my child some where with out first telling me.  

But it is very important to have people in your child's life who will love that child unconditionally, and they are some of those people.  You need to hold on to them.  

Just set some guidelines and do not be afraid to let them be known.  Because regardless of anything, that child is your and you can raise him how you would like him to be raised.

Your doing a great job!

Answer 21

I think maybe you are overreacting just a little bit.  I would probably be upset too if somebody took my daughter somewhere without asking me but they didn't do it to upset you.  I would just let them know that it bothered you because you were under the impression that he would be watched at their house and that from now on if they are going to take him somewhere to let you know ahead of time or call you at work.  If you don't want them taking him places then just tell them that.  If they don't like that then you'll have to find somebody else to watch him.

Answer 22

I would explain how worried it made you that they just took off like that. They sound like a wonderful bunch of people so you wouldn't want to upset them. Make it cleat that if they sit for you again that you wouldn't want them taking him out OR if you don't mind, at least let you know where they will be and when they will be back. It sounds like L doesn't know how upset you was or else she wouldn't be acting as happy as can be around you.

To be honest though, you've got a good thing going having such nice in laws.