Problems with my step daughter

Question

when my husband and i married we blended our families together and now have 9 daughters. His oldest came to live with us because her mother was very abusive to her (verbally and emotionally). she has been here for over a year and we are still having problems. Before she moved in we used to talk all the time. She would text me from her house and school and would always want me to see her off when she had to go home..

we fought long and hard to get her and then it was all gone...i know she is upset because she had to leave her mom...her father, my husbamd works in the oilfield so he is gone alot and i know that hurts her to. i have tried to be a step-mom...i have tried to be a friend and neither has worked...i resorted to being the enemy and not talking to her and so then she retalliates telling me i don't care about her or her sisters and don't want her here....i told her if i didn't care or want her here then either i wouldn't be here or she wouldn't.. since my husband is gone so long i take care of everything in our household, but i can't do this..she won't tell me when she's sick or hurt or when her mother has called and started another fight...sometimes with her mother is had gotten so bad that she has developed bleeding ulcers and she is just a teenager..she holds things in until she can't cope...and i've suggessted counseling..i'm at my wits end...i love her very much as if she were my own.....most people that meet me don't know she's not mine biologically because i always say my daughter...someone please tell me how i can reach this lost girl before she self destructs and we lose her??

Answer 1

This is a tough one, I think that you should sit down with her and tell her I love you I care for you, I want to be your friend before your step mom so that I can gain your trust, but I will not pursue this relationship if you do not want me to. If you don't open up to me how can I show you how much I want to know you? and how much I love you?

You can tell me now whether or not you are ready to start a relationship with me, if not then I will keep my distance and when you want me I will be here. ready to build a relationship with you.

Try that and see if it works. Sometimes young girls like to be chased, if you stop chasing them they will feel irrelevant and will most likely soften and then open up.

Answer 2

Tell your husband you are more than willing to make sacrifices to have less "things" in order to have him home, that his family is falling apart and you cannot hold it together on your own while he is gone so long and if he wants to stay married and keep his family intact he is going to have to get an 8 hr a day job.

Next youhave your husband to take  your step daughter to counseling and meanwhile explain to her that her dad is paying for EVERYTHING, the house the cars, food clothing for EVERYONE,because he LOVES them(including her) and he hates  having to be gone so muchbut it is hard to find a job that pays what he is making so he can provide these things, but you are going to try to work things out so he can be home more,just be patient.

Answer 3

Its clear that she has been through a lot and she is probably not used to the idea of having a loving mother that cares so its hard for her to adjust. My mother was emotionally abusive to me and when I found some one who cared I was very quick to turn away from her. but she never gave up on me and you cant give up on your daughter. you need to show her how much you love her and that you want to help her. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort but its the little things that matter. When she looks sad ask her if shes ok and tell her that you're always there if she wants to talk. She may not want to talk right away but if you keep reminding her that then she may finally open up to you.  

Answer 4

You should have a talk from her...tell her you liked the relationship you had before where you guys would talk and be friends and you want to know what you need to do to help create that again...give her some suggestions as to what she can do to if that is what she wants.  

Answer 5

It sounds like she has some anger issues.  I know it's a tough situation, but counselling would really be of benefit to her.  Now trying to convince her to go will be another battle.  Is your husband aware of all of this?  Maybe he needs to try to be home more often, or try to take some vacation time from work and just be at home for a couple of weeks, so he can help you sort through this.  

Answer 6

Try sitting down and having a heart to heart. Let it all out and tell her how you fell, tell her you love her and that you only have her well being in mind when you suggest councilling or some other type of help. Ask her what you can do to help her through this tough time. Also involve her father, tell him whats been gonig on and maybe he can help to. Also try having a confrontation with you your daughter her father and her biological mother, maybe family councilling also