Problems with my teenager?

Question

My daughter is 14yrs old and has a p**s poor attitude and refuses to knock the chip off her shoulder. The coming school year is pretty here and at the LAST minute she decided she doesn't want to go back to the same high school. She told me she has issues with girls at school who don't like her and also that a lot of her friends have left the school. Her father lives about two cities over and he's offered to transfer her to the school in his area. It's a good school, that's where I went. Well THEY decided it was a good idea she should just go live with him full time and I should have her every other weekend. That's currently the visitation her dad has. I was willing to compromise and agreed she can go to the new high school HOWEVER she was only going to live with her dad 1/2 the time so it's split evenly. I felt that was fair. Not to mention I'll be doing some driving on the days I have her because I don't live near that area, AND to top it off my job is near my house. So this is totally out of my way. She threw a fit when I told her about the living arrangements being only part time. I'm at the point where I'm just tired of her and her bad attitude. I dont' know what to do with her anymore. My fiance and I are moving in together in the next couple months and she had a heart attack about that saying she doesn't like him and doesn't want to move with me. My fiance has never done anything wrong to her nor does he mistreat her. My mom had a talk with her and what it boils down to is jealousy of the relationship. I don't neglect her, we spend time together but she's just become so selfish. Has anyone dealt with this??? BTW, I gave her a random drug test this past weekend and she's been smoking pot. I also managed to squeeze it out of her that she's had s*x. So to me, right now isn't the right time for her to think she can call the shots! I just feel at my wits end with her. I try and she doesn't open up to me.

Answer 1

i went through the same thing she doesn't want to call another person dad and she only siad she has problems with friends well this is my wife's thing well my mom sent me to boot camp and i was there for about to weeks and i already wanted to go home but my thing to tell you is don't give up move and don't let her go ground her take away what ever she has the things that mean most TV,phone computer everything cause all you got to do for her is put food on the table 3 times a day on clothes and let her see what only you have to do and she'll realize what you do for her don't let her bring you done i messed up with my parents when i was young but i didn't have a dad to be there shes lucky

Answer 2

Thats how

teens are

thats how i was

when i was younger

you need to remember

your the parent shes the

kid you make the choses for her

until shes 18 you own her

Answer 3

You are not a good mother.  I would never put a boyfriend or anyone else or even my job or fun above my children.  You sound very selfish.  I feel sorry for your daughter.

Answer 4

Let her Dad have her fulltime ,see he's just bin on the sidelines so he can be the good one and your the designated bad one who does all the work

Answer 5

14 years old and she's had s*x? Hm, does her father know about this? Let him handle her for a while and see what happens. He'll be shoving her back into your place quick. It's so easy for our children to side with the other parent that they visit. But, that is just it. They are visitors when they are with the Part time parent. Once that changes, so does everything else. Make it clear to your ex that if she gets pregnant on his watch, she's not allowed back in your home for you to have to deal with an infant.  

Answer 6

Be firm with her.Your house,your money,your rules.If she wants to live with you,she has to go by your rules.If not,she can go live with her dad.Smoking pot and having s*x is not acceptable.Just explain her.If she wants you to do what she wants,she has to do what you want.She can stay in the same school,don't give her any money,don't cook or clean for her,don't buy her anything.If she wants to do what she wants,she can go live on her own.Pay her bills and rent,buy her own food.Or her father can drive her back and forth.Also talk to her father about it .Maybe you two can come up with some kind of solution for her.But i do believe in tough love and it works.

Answer 7

Tell her, “I’m willing to compromise.  I’ll willing to do ½ time living arrangements, but that’s all I’m willing to agree to.  So you either agree to that or things stay like they are right now and you go to school here.”

However, if Dad petitions for custody, the court will consider her wishes.  The court realizes that often children think the grass is greener somewhere else, and so sometimes they take the view of ‘if it’s working, don’t mess with it’,  But in your situation it clearly is not working.  She’s having s*x.  She’s doing drugs.  And she’s unhappy that you’re about to bring a man in to live in the home (the court will take that consideration--he may be the most wonderful man in the world, but he’s still a man that you’re NOT married to).  So, if Dad petitions for custody, he may get it.

Whatever happens, get her into some counseling.

EDITED TO ADD THIS AFTER YOU ADDED ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

You don’t need Dad’s permission to take her to counseling (unless, maybe if you have joint legal custody).  Call and make an appointment for it.

And by the way, if Dad does petition for custody the fact that he opposed counseling is not going to look good for him at all.

Answer 8

Hmmm... interesting answers so far mama, but don't feel confused or accept any judgement for what you are going through! The fact that you are concerned and trying to stay involved shows you are a good mom.

Here's the deal - she is going to make YOUR LIFE a living h**l until she gets her way. I would let her go to dad's and try it out. In the meantime, do your best to stay connected to her. If she won't spend time with you, send her cards or email messages or care packages. The fact is, you really cannot make a 14 year old do anything. So, the relationship becomes a sort of dance. She is making some poor choices, but those are her choices, not yours. You can be there for her and be the best example you can.

My son went to dad's at 15 - it was not a happy parting for me, but he seemed pleased. In a nutshell, he was back at my house as soon as the school year ended! He smokes grass too, which I don't like, but I did it at his age too. This past year he finished high school and starts college next week.

My point, what you are going through is tough, but it is temporary. Just keep on doing your mama thing and give her a bit of space. She may need this time with her dad to get to know him better and to learn to appreciate you more, even if she doesn't come back to live with you.

Regarding the early s*x stuff, maybe that is the real reason she does not want to go back to her school. Maybe she wants, and needs, a fresh start.

Best wishes to you and your family ~

Answer 9

I personally have a 10 yr old daughter and recently told her father that maybe she should live with him the first year of junior high because I am of the opinion that healthy girls that do not have s*x early has to do maily because they have a healthy relationship with their father so they don't look for that love in boyfriends.  I would see her occasionally on weekends and for her well being I am not afraid of being judged as the mom that doesn't care to give her daughter up because it's for her best.  Her dad lives 2hrs away but we've always been ok to make arrangments with spending time with my daughter and talking on the phone.  Which I don't call but once a week when she spends long vacations with him but if she were to live with him I would call more often.  

in your case you have more reasons to allow this and participate in a way that you express that it's for her well being; start in a new school fresh and clean - no drugs no s*x- good grades.  explain that you understand she doesn't have a traditional family but that you will help by being supportive but that doesn't mean you loose your authority nor that you love her any less.

I would also tell her that the man you chose now you did also thinking of her because you wouldn't choose somebody that would not care for her.

call her constantly and if you notice she doesn't feel like talking then just say you called to say I love you.  Make some family time when she comes over on the weekend and make some mommy and me time as well.

Answer 10

Wow, I'm hella sorry. I'm a teenager and I promise I would never do that, so that is NOT how all teenagers are.

Anyway, about the pot, I don't know which came first. Did she start doing pot because of her problems, or did her problems start because of her doing pot?

And the s*x thing, that could be why she has problems with some of the girls - you never know if she slept with someone's ex-crush twice removed. girls are EVIL, and get mad over the littliest things. just bluntly ask her, tell her how much you love her and will support her, and how that if she ever needs anyone to talk to, you're there.

that's all i needed, but no one gave it to me

Answer 11

Your daughter is trying to find her identity.  I am SURE that she thinks the grass will be greener at dad's.  I would suggest that you stick to your guns.  She DOES NOT make the rules.  The more rope you give her, the more trouble she will get into.

Also, since you recently found out that she has been taking drugs and having s*x, you need to let Dad know that, so he is aware.  Also, I would advise that you monitor her friends more closely, she must be getting the drugs from one of them.  At 14, she is much too young to be running around with no sense of responsibility.  Remember that she feels like your fiancee has taken her place in your heart.  Remind her that SHE will always come first.  This is very important.

Answer 12

Children who go through their parents' divorces have felt abandoned... i don't care what anyone says -- i was divorced and have a lot of friends who did the same thing and the children always seem to suffer in the end.  It's NOT your fault, it's just the way it is.

I think that, any child who is acting out needs to talk with a therapist about their feelings over their life situation -- mainly the divorce.  

As far as your living situations go, you are the parent and if you and your ex have made an arrangement about her living situation, then she needs to accept it.

About your boyfriend moving in -- do you really think kids like it when their parents have new partners move in?  they don't and it's a big adjustment.  they feel abandoned again.  as if they are being pushed aside and this stranger is going to try and take their place in your life.  If he does move in, don't force him on her, and he needs to remember she's NOT his daughter, she's yours.  While she needs to be respectful, just because he lives there, doesn't automatically make him her new disciplinarian...

Your daughter's selfishness might be the result of feeling which have been festering since you and your ex decided to get a divorce.

Answer 13

Mom, it sounds like you had lost the war and didn't know.

If I caught my 14 year old smoking pot, she would have to find a new home.

You should read "tough love".  

You should come to terms with the idea that you are nothing in your childs economy.

You might consider letting her live full time with dad.  That way he can get to be the bad guy, and live with the consequences of her bad behavior... like escalating drug use, poor school performance, and the inevitable pregnancy (and possible abortion).

Its a f*ck-y** welcome to the hard part of parent-hood.  When they are 24 most of their brains come rushing back.  They (sometimes) have the capacity to realize how stupid they were and regret their decisions.  Don't believe that they will undo all their bad decisions... just be glad if you get some small doorway to a relationship.

Answer 14

It's hard to know what to do or not do these days because everyone is so touchy about punishments for kids but here is how i look at it when most kids hit there teen years they lose their minds i refuse to negotiate with a child in my house when the bills come in they come in me and my husbands name and when they need clothes,shoes,food, and high a-- shoes we get everything they need and most of the things they want  we don't mind because we are the parents but when one of mine gets so grown that she thinks she run things in my house i will take her straight to the youth court because they are not deprived of anything . we have family meetings and we discuss everything problems, s*x , smoking, and i let them know about my mistakes along the way because i'm human but i'm a good mom and i know it. Nothing comes before my kids and they know it but i demand respect. I would kill or die for my kids right now and that's why i would go to prison if my kids ever step out of line and hit me. Have a one on one with her you tell her how things are going to go and if she acts a fool let her spend the the weekend at the youth court because there you don't have any wants and she'll realize that there's no one that loves you like your mom.

Answer 15

GEG, the fact that you did the random drug test and it came out positive it a big red flag as well as s*x at 14 (as you know). Stand your ground. Keep being the good mother that you are. Good luck!  

Answer 16

well first off she's 14 so im guessing that she just went into high school last year which would be her freshman year. Well I'm a teenager so i watched a lot of my friends change like your daughter did. I wached my best friend go from happy to depressed in just six months. It all depends on who they hang out with. She might be having problems with girls at school because girls are really mean in high school and they will make fun of anyone in their paths. She smoked pot because she got with the wrong people. You should transfer her to a different school. this will help her. i know that when i moved it became happier and made friends with the right people so now im very happy. i really dont' know what else to say. just watch out for the people she hangs out with because my parents saved me from going down because they wouldn't let certain people in our house. sorry if this didn't help  

Answer 17

Teenagers often times act crazy, I know I did.  You're the mom though and her dad and you have to come up with an arrangement together.  Then you can talk to her about your idea and see if she's cool with it.