Protective parents are having trouble letting go... I'm 19 almost 20.

Question

I'm 19 and I'm in my second year of college. To be completely upfront my parents are very protective of me. They to this day will not leave me at the house alone for more than a few hours at a time and never at night. They are good parents and are very caring, but at 19 when I've lived away from home for my first year of college... well coming back to this sort of thing has been difficult.

I'm a good kid and I refused to date before I got into college, but now I'm in my 2nd relationship. They aren't really sure how to handle this... if I leave the house this summer I'm expected to report back to them every hour or so and let them know where I am and when I'll be home. They refuse to let me stay over at his parents house even in the guest room by myself or go on the vactions they have offered to pay for and get me my own room and such. His mother is very religious and his father is a bishop... even so nothing would go on even if they weren't there because I'm not ready for that and I'd rather wait.

I am not sure how to make them calm down a bit. This summer has been very difficult. If I go out for the day on a weekend I'm get called all of the time and if I don't answer I get yelled at... alot. If I go out for the day and do answer I get told I'm always gone and I should try to appreciate them more and be around some this summer. The thing is when I'm home which I only go out about 2 times a week... we never do anything we just sit there. My little sister plays halo, my father is on the computer, and my mother is watching news.

They pay half of my college so they are still contributing in my life, but when is enough? I have never been in trouble in school or anything. I have always been very understanding of my parents demands, but I'm becoming suffocated. Help!

I'm also an A student. Over half of my college is paid for in scholarships. They told me if I could pay for half they would pay the other half before I entered highschool. They said if I could get half covered by scholarships that would contribute to my half. I have 7k a year in scholarships and living there for a year is 12k. Should I just transfer my job and not come home nect summer. I pay my own insurance and they pick up my phone bill but one cell phone is resonable to pay for and I could transfer the bill to my name. Also they refuse to let me move off campus and they will not let me off the meal plan at school...

I have an internship this summer which is a $14 an hour job and which is very good for a college student. They told me I can continue the job once I go back to school.

I could move out, but like I said I love my parents... They would see it as me stabbing them in the back, and being ungrateful. They don't even want me to move off campus so moving out would be a huge issue to them. I'm working through school at my job and could move out next summer, but like I said they would feel rejected and unappreciated. I'm kind of asking how to end things gracefully.

I feel that I really have lived a charmed life, and I appreciate all they have done for me, but at some point I'm going to have to leave. The only question is when? They have done a great job of razing me... I'm self confident, a good student, hard worker, always try to look my best, and have my morals. I feel that they are a bit too controlling, but I know they are only doing it because they want the best for me... How can I slowly pull away with out them feeling like I've let them down.

When I confronted my father about maybe trying to move out on my own soon he said that if I did that there would be many consequences because he saw it as "a question of my loyalties". I'm thinking that the only way to pull away may be to find a job in the same city as my school and just stay up there for the summer. The only thing is they will refuse to let me stay up there unless it is a Really good job like the one I'm in now. The one I'm in now will let me transfer up to school this fall and continue my job while I'm in school, but my parents also know I can transfer home next summer from here. That means if I try to stay in knoxville it will be a fight. Help!

Answer 1

In order to be your own person, you must move out and stop taking financial support from them.

There has to be a very clear break from kid/dependent to adult/independent. You are still a kid in their eyes because they are still helping to support you.

Become independent and do as you like. Until then, you will have to respect their wishes.

Answer 2

First let me say, I understand where you're coming from. I grew up in a very religious home and faced the same issues. Many of my friends are now going through the same thing as you. My sisters husband went through this when he decided to move out. So no worries sweetie, you're not alone.

I understand your parents concern, Honestly I do, I have a son and I worry when he's gone for a hour but he's two not nineteen. But your parents need to realize you're grown up. But if your parents are anything like mine, they really just try to keep you close harder. And if you tried using scripture to show them that fearing and worrying about you every second you're gone is wrong they'd just say you're misinterpreting what it really means.

My advice to you is this, Do what you think is right and what you think will make you happy. If moving out and staying at the college you like is that. Then do it. Let them know you're not dishonoring them in anyway. No matter how much they think you're going to go party and get pregnant a month after you move out. I'm sure you'll easily prove them wrong. For some reason many religious parents view independence as a horrible sin. and if their child leaves their side they will plundge into horrible sins. Not having faith in you and in the way they raised you is just as much a horrible sin.

But in the end do what makes you happy. That's all you can do, even if they take it harshly at first they'll come around. It took a year of my mom not talking to me for her to come around but it's all worked out. and i'm happier than anyone i know! ^^ with a husband a son and a second child on the way. (lol that may not be what you want but it's what makes me happy it's just a example)

I wish you good luck and if you need to talk here's my email.

[e-mail]

good luck!

Answer 3

Move out as soon as possible. It's the best thing you'll ever do. They'll come around, and it will be really good for them too.

Answer 4

just move out. I had the exact same situation, and realised my independence and rights as a human being were being violated. I moved out just after my 20th birthday, and was tossing the idea around in my head for a couple months beforehand. Talking to them about moving out may seem like a fight all on its own, and possibly scary, but must be done. If there is absolutely no talking to them, then pack your things when nobody is home, and leave a long letter explaining why you have left.  

Answer 5

Being a parent is the hardest thing anyone can do, especially if you raise your children right.  As the mother of a 16 and 18 year old, I know how hard it is to watch your children test their independence.  Parenting is not a light switch that you can turn on and off.  However, you sound a lot like my oldest,  she too has a good head on her shoulders and I very much trust her judgment in most situations.  It is not so much her that I worry about, it is the world around her.  With that said, it sounds like your parents may need a little push to let you go.  If after talking to them they still refuse to see you for the adult you have become, upon returning to school this fall i would make preparations to continue your job in knoxville.  When they argue with you just tell them you're sorry and you love them,  but you really must do what is best for your future at this time.  I moved out of my parents home a month before my 18th birthday, my father was extremely upset, but after a few weeks he settled down and became very supportive of my decision.  Best of luck to you, I'm sure you'll be fine.