Psychologically what is better for the child- an open or closed adoption?

Question

Psychologically what is better for the child- an open or closed adoption?

Answer 1

The simple truth is that we don't know and probably never will.

Open adoption was started without any sort of appropriate research and likely is a very poor choice for the children involved. But nonetheless, it can work and it does work. It may be based on absurd presumptions and  the need to make adoption more palatable to a generation of women who are actually encouraged to 'keep' babies they can't raise, but it's better than no adoption at all.

Now, as an adopted person, it is a horror show.  I would never consider being a part of an open adoption because I firmly believe that it is against the child's best interest. The very idea of growing up with the specter of some birth mother hanging over my head is like a waking nightmare.

When our society arranges for a child to be placed with a permanent family, that placement should be private and safe for the child. Open adoption takes away any chance that the child has to feel a complete sense of belonging and it robs her of her innate right to DECIDE whether or not she wants a relationship with a birthparent.

But measuring the negative impact is nearly impossible because children are remarkably adaptable. Would a child be better off without the burden of an open adoption that a set of adults chose to make things easier on themselves? Probably. But when the open adoption generation are adults, most of them will be absolutely fine and it will have worked out well in the end.

Having lived closed for near 40 years, I can tell you that it is an incredibly positive experience. I chose closed adoption for my child because I wanted him to own his adoption and have the freedom to choose his privacy or contact without any interference.

Answer 2

Psychologically - any adoption is a train smash to an adoptee.

But the better of the two - is an open adoption.

Human beings need to see and talk to those that look like them - act like them - have talents like them - to get a better sense of self.

Not being allowed that contact can be very very hard for an adoptee.

They need to be able to ask their mothers why they gave them away (they need to hear it from the source if at all possible).

They need to know that they're still loved - adoptees have huge issues with rejection - because their own mother gave them away.

Open adoption is sadly not enforceable under the law in most states - and the adoptive parents can close it up if they don't want to have the hassle (which happens far too often - especially when the child gets old enough to ask questions). Open adoptions are a LOT of hard work for the adults involved.

But adoption should be about the child - and what's BEST for the child - is to have open and often contact.

Adoption should be about gaining more family for the adoptee - not cutting off one family for another. Again - that is about adults - not what the child wants and needs.

ETA: I've NEVER in my life EVER heard an adoptee gush something like this - (and I have talked to thousands)

"Having lived closed for near 40 years, I can tell you that it is an incredibly positive experience."

Only someone that gets kick-backs from the adoption industry would say something like this.

Surely?!?!?!?!

Answer 3

I think it would depend on the child and on the family's involved. For some it can be a positive experience, and for others it can be quite confusing and difficult. To me it should be up to the child to decide if they want the bio parents in their lives.  And they should be allowed to make that decision when they are old enough to really understand things. When you force others in a child's life you have left them no choice in anything. My bio's have never had any contact with me since I was removed from their care at 9 months old. For me this was the best thing that could have happened. I was able to grow up form my own opinions and decide for myself if I ever wanted to meet them. My parents were supportive and very honest about everything that occurred before the adoption took place. I also had a great relationship with my natural grandparents. But even that relationship was my choice not forced on me by my parents, or by my grandparents. To me a child should be given all the facts and be allowed to decided for themselves who they want a relationship with and who they don't.

Answer 4

closed adoption shuts the adoptee's past away like it is worthless. An adoptees past may be wonderful or horrific but they lived it and they lost the first and most important attatchment they could ever make with their mother. I had a semi-closed adoption where my parents talked to my birth grandfather but I never knew about it until I was 16. I was really angry. It is h**l not knowing who your birth parents are or what they look like. I even looked at women and men on the streets if I was walking to school or something and think "she might be my mum" or "he might be my dad, he has my nose" etc etc. There are also serious things about a closed adoption where medical history is not known. Open adoption gives the adoptee the chance to learn this, so they know if there is a risk of breast cancer for instance. It is unpleasant being at the doctors and them asking what your family's medical history is and I had no idea.

Adoption isn't great anyway for a child but the best option is open adoption as it at least gives them the chance to stay connected to their biological parents and get all their questions answered. I had millions of questions that were and still are not answered because I had a pretty much closed adoption. There were so many secrets. I stopped trusting my adoptive parents, I hated who I was. I met my birth aunt and my self esteem sky rocketted, I didn't realise how confused and depressed I was until I met her and all this weight came off my shoulders. When I got home from meeting her I just bawled my eyes out for about 4 hours because of the release of all that frustration.

Answer 5

That's exactly why i pick to do a open adoption not closed. I'm a birth mother to a very wonderful little girl i knew i couldn't parent her so i chose adoption. My little girl knows me as rachel when she older and she can understand a little better she'll know that she grew in my tummy but that her adoptive mom is her mommy. All i want is for my daugther to know that i didn't do adoption because i didn't want her i wanted her so very much but i couldn't give her what she needed. If we ever got separated my records are open and she can find me any time she wants. She is loved my so many people and like her a mom says a child can never have enough love in there lives. But that being said if she did ask me to leave for awhile if she was just confused i would do that for her as she gets older it will be tough and there may be times she'll need me to back off and i can do that just as long as she knows that if she ever wanted to come back in my life my arms will be open and ready for her.

Answer 6

Actually I'd have to say neither.  Living with their parents is better.  Failing that, living with a member of their family and failing that going into a PERMANENT care situation where they get to keep their real name, contact with their family of origin and there are no secrets or lies.

But I would have to say adoption in general is a no go zone for any child born today.  With all the research that has been done about it and all the knowledge we have (and lets face it it, the results are not good), anyone continuing to keep the adoption wheels turning is knowingly creating suffering, pain and trauma where there needs to be none.  

Answer 7

There is no absolute answer to this question, every adoption is different.

My sister adopted in an open adoption and it is very successful.  They see the biological mother once or twice a year, and everyone believes it is better for my niece to know her.

Meanwhile, we adopted through foster care and the biological mother was abusive and neglectful.  There are also aspects of her and the father's family history that make the safety of the children a real concern.  No one familiar with our case believes there is any benefit to contact until the boys are adults.

Answer 8

I believe in open adoption.  I think it is best for the child to know their birth family so they don't have to go search for them later.

Answer 9

Honestly I think it depends on the biological family. My husband was adopted and we are searching for his birth mother now. This is a horrible chore especially when you are trying to find a birth mom in Texas. They have so many law on adoption and sealed records. My husband wants so much to meet them and know what they are like, but he is also scared. He wonders if she has even tried to look for him and if she's not then why should he look for her. She gave him away and he doesn't know why. I mean it can be a win lose or win win either way. If he had an open adoption he would know her reasons and would know his family medical history and so would our kids. Also with it being a closed adoption there was never any confusion at a young age as to who his parents really were. I mean who knows his birth mom could be someone he doesn't want to know. I mean as a child the outlook is different than as an adult. It is just what you would feel more comfortable dealing with everyday and the emotional status of the child.

Answer 10

Having lived 'closed' for 22 years, I can tell you it's awful.

I look forward to hearing from the generation of adoptees who have experienced 'open' adoption.  I'm certain that there are issues that I can't imagine--good and bad.