Punishment for a 6 year old.?

Question

Our daughter really is very good. My problem is that at school they have a system if you do something you have to turn your green card. Next time you turn it to orange and you get a note home. Thats our problem how do we help the teachers from home. I understand the need for the system but I don't know how to punish at home. If in one day you run in class thats a turned card and maybe talk in the hall thats a note home. How strict do you become when they are just 5-6 year old. You want them to understand they can't be disruptive so how do you get the point without going overboard. When she was in pre-k if she didn't take her nap or lay quietly(if she didn't the teacher would sit with her so it wasn't fair to the teacher during her quiet time) she got no t.v, computer, or treats of any kind for one day. Should I do the same thing? I just felt with the nap she was warned. With the card system there are no warnings just turn the card and there are a millions of tiny infrations.

Answer 1

ask the teacher for the basis rules.  take it home and talk to your daughter, be supportive with her, and try to explain why these rules need to be obeyed.  i would not be to hard on her, give her time to adjust with the rules...at school i am sure they embarass her in front of the class, and you stated that she is good, so i would not punish her at home,  she gets enough of that at school.  if she gets more complanits, just talk to you and let her understand.  she should feel that her parents are on her side.. of course if she does something really bad, then no tv or something that she really likes to do.  [sometimes i think that teachers are too strict for  this age.]

Answer 2

just speak to them and verbally reinforce the "Schools" rules...if same problem over and over at school - then I might consider "time out" or other punishment at home

Answer 3

It really sound like the school is over doing it and wants the kids to be zombies.  I think you will have to base you punishments on the seriousness of the individual infractions, but don't turn your home into a prison or her life into a sentence.

Answer 4

send to room for 6 minutes

Answer 5

tell her that she did something wrong.  make her tell you WHY it was wrong.  then tell her that for a little while ( the amount of time is your choice) that she is to do things she has to and then go strait to her room.

Answer 6

I honestly would say that you really shoudn't punish her to badly. You must remeber that those rules are pretty high expectant for toddlers. I personally would talk to the person in charge because if it was my child i wouldn't punish her at all for doing virtually nothing wrong.

Answer 7

I am a strong believer in the spanking. I am not talking about BEATING your children. I was not sure if spanking was the way to go. As a child I hated getting spankings. When I was about 10 I decided that I would never spank my kids. Until one day...

It was my freshmen year and I was taking Pre-AP classes (the hard ones that the top 20% of the school take) and my teacher was pregnant. One day she came in and told us that she and her husband were trying to decide how to punish their future kids. He was in favor of spanking, she was not. So, she asked us to indicate by a show of hands, who had been spanked as a child. EVERY SINGLE one of us raised our hands. Except one girl. The girl that did not raise her hand was into drugs, and dropped out of school her Junior year.

I am a believer. My son is only 11 months old now, but my husband and I have deiced that we will spank him. He will never get a spanking in public, in front of his friends, in front of his future brothers/ sisters, and he will never get a spanking from either one of us, if we are angry. When a parent is angry, it is difficult to punish to teach a lesson and punish to punish.

It is an individual decision. In my opinion, you need to sit down with your spouse, and decide what method of punishment will work for your family.

Answer 8

I think this would really depend on the infraction...talking in the hallway really isn't that serious, but talking during class out of turn or disrupting the class is.  I think for minor things, sit her down and talk to her about why it was wrong...unless of course you aren't told what her infractions were.  Something like disrupting the class would require more serious punishment.  Now, the problem becomes if the teachers do not communicate what the infractions were.  I would communicate to the teachers that you would like to be informed what the infractions are that caused the note (if they aren't already doing this).  what happens after orange, do they not get recess? just curious.

Answer 9

i fine dat system is over doing it, i mean!!! jus talkin in de hall u get a turned card? Dats rediculous!!! It might work 2 keep disapline but u shouldn't punish her 2 a deep extent  jus kind of tel her 2 try to obay de de rules an stay out of trouble an she should be able 2 understand,OR,remove her from de scool an put her in one dat wil ease her's an ur conscious. I hope i helped

Answer 10

I bet your daughter is really intelligent and is bored. I know

my oldest brother got straight A's in grade school but got F's

in conduct. He outgrew the habit by the time he was in the fourth grade and began to behave his self in school. He

graduated top of his class and went on to get masters degree in engineering chemical and mechanical. My dad

tried to make him behave but he was just high per active.

Answer 11

She's old enough to know how to behave, and her teachers have probably given her verbal warnings. If she turns a green card take something away for 1 night. If she turns and orange take something away for a few nights, etc...

Answer 12

By taking a way for the night the show she likes and telling her this is because of what you did in school ,ore that special toy.or jest spending the time in her room. And to i lov my pug.Children that age do remember they are not stupid jest the adults that thank that way are,Support the teacher and the child will learn to respect, YOU AND OTHER ADULTS. But maybe you would rather your child thank you will get her out of every thing ,and she will grow up like Paris Hilton.

Answer 13

what you should do is if your child is study getting her card turned over you should give her time out for a number of minutes and if you child is still getting the card turned over you should talk to the teacher and ask what is she doing and when you get home sit down with your child and talk to him/her about what they did and the punishments for doing it........

Answer 14

I actually think that is an excellent system.  Yes, they are very young and don't understand a lot of things, but now they understand the concept of no tolerance.  I kind of wish most children were given that policy, so there would be fewer spoiled children out there.  A problem with a lot of kids is that the rules are not enforced.  Even if it is a tiny infraction, they are learning that they need to abide by every rule or suffer the consequences.  Don't be too lienient at home and definitely follow through on any punishment you tell them that you will give.  When you don't follow through, the child gradually learns that they can take advantage of you, and I am sure you don't want that.

Answer 15

I am torn both ways with this but here is how I see it from the teachers point of view - there are 10 + kids in this class and I would guess that all the kids are not getting notes home everyday, which means that the rules are tolerable, as a teacher I would not be sending home notes to every parent on a daily basis. Also I would have to believe that there is a warning before they turn their card, I may be wrong there but that is how we work our system. what I would suggest on your end is make a goal of staying on Green each day and have a reward for that behavior, like a desert or something she would enjoy, maybe a piece of candy from a "Green Day Jar," that will make her think a bit more before she runs in class or talks to much in line, but she isn't losing anything she needs, she will just be losing her "Treat." Now I know this sounds weird but it will work I have an 8 year old with ADHD and he was not allowed to play his video games on school nights before, so I told him if he has a good day at school, and I talk to his teacher by e-mail daily to find out, he will get 30 mins a night of video games after his homework is done, he has not had a bad day in over a year. She will slip up here and there for a little while but she will learn that she wants that Treat! I know how hard it is to stay on schedule at school if one or more kids want to run around when it is not that time or talk in line and disrupt other classes, or just talking out of turn. Give this a try I am willing to bet this will work!

     I am very glad to see a parent care enough to want to straighten out a problem even if it is a small one, more parents should sweat the small things and the big ones would be less common!

Answer 16

Just wanted to quote this bit of Janene S's response, because I think it's a great point - "Anyways, I believe you should have conversation with your daughter and have her tell you what she can do to help make a better choice next time."

If your daughter brings a note home, talk to her about the reason it was sent - try and get her to tell you why that rule is important. Find out what she thinks is an appropriate sanction. Having her think through why some behaviours are 'bad' and what the consequences should be will be more effective than just telling her 'that's naughty' and doling out a punishment. Hey, if it worked for Socrates...

Answer 17

I am still reading through some of the advice and am cringing while I am doing it.  Let me address some particularly disturbing answers, then provide my own advice.

JoLynn said:

"Have her do age appropriate chores. Help with the dishes, take out the trash, help fold the laundry, etc."

No no no.  Chores are not to be seen as "punishment."  Children enjoy doing these activities.  Do not set yourself up so that the child hates doing them.  That will lead to a list of problems later.

"You should sit her on a naughty step when misbehaving or getting a card from school, remove all her treats and create a sticker chart for when she does good, positive things."

I disagree with this.  This is so far removed from the incident that the child will not make the connection to "the crime" (so to speak).  Even if explained, that is secondary.  In the child's mind, she is still getting in trouble for something that has already been resolved.

"I think this would really depend on the infraction...talking in the hallway really isn't that serious, but talking during class out of turn or disrupting the class is. "

Actually, I see it the opposite.  Not really "talking out of turn," but many schools (and it sounds like your school is one of them) do not welcome the child to explore things they should naturally explore.  A child should learn when it is appropriate to listen and when it is appropriate to ask questions.  However, talking in the hall is something I would be sure to encourage and teach how to do it in a quiet, respectable way so we do not disrupt the other classes.  This is more natural to what they will run into in the real world.

Michelle said: "I am a strong believer in the spanking"  

And I'm sure, as a parent, you know this is bad advice.  No commentary needed.  Moving on.

summer_k said: "This system works very well. It really takes alot for the teacher to change the card to yellow. "

Obviously, it's not working well or you would not be asking about it.  The simple fact is that it relies on a system of rewards and punishments.  In all honesty, it hardly seems like it relies on a system of rewards.

The system is c**p.  There's no sense of internalizing the discipline - it is all external.  I love this story from Maria Montessori's book "The Discovery of the Child":

"One day I brought a woman to visit another Children's house.  She praised the children highly and, finally, in my presence, opened up a box, from which she took out many bronze medals.  They were bright shining and attached to a red ribbon.  'The teacher,' she said, 'will attach these to the breast of the best and cleverest children.'  Since I was not abliged to instruct the woman in my methods, I kept silent.  The teacher took the box.  Then a very intelligent boy of four years, who was quietly sitting at his desk, wrinkled his brow in protest and cried out in protest, 'But not to the boys!  But not to the boys!'

"What a revelation!  The little boy already knew that he was one of the cleverest in the room even though no one had told him as much, and he did not want to be offended by this reward.  Not knowing how to defend himself, he appealed in the fact that he was a boy!"  (Discovery of the Child, page 60)

When we use a system of EXTERNAL rewards and punishments, we insult the child's intellect.  Real rewards come from within - from discovery, freedom, and internalized self discipline.

So, my advice?  Harsh to say, but leave.  If you want your child to think for herself, this is not a good method of classroom discipline.  If you want your child to explore, this is not a good method of classroom discipline.  It requires a huge amount of external monitoring and no development of the internal person.

I can already see you do not really agree with this method and it will cause some confusion in your daughter.  "Mom doesn't seem to mind if I do these things, so I'm not worried about doing them in school."  That may be what is being set up, which may lead to other bad habits later.  Find a school or a program where you do see them treating children with respect (which I do not see them doing here based off what you described.)  Then, and only then, can any form of discipline the school uses be effective since you are on the same page with the teachers in regards to expectations.

Answer 18

Your job is not to punish, but to discipline and teach values to your daughter. If she is a good girl, you have already been doing that. To discipline means "to teach" and if you are Christian then it might mean more to you to understand it came from the word disciple. Not that I am trying to be all preachy here, just trying to point out that punishment is normally for the parent to vent their emotions, and discipline is normally to encourage behavior that will help a child's future. Anyways, I believe you should have conversation with your daughter and have her tell you what she can do to help make a better choice next time.

Answer 19

(After I shared my following thoughts,  I  read what Matt above wrote...all good advice!!!! I also cringed at much of the sharing--Janene also offers good advice...)

Punishment hurts--discipline teaches!

When children are feeling blamed, shamed, embarrassed, etc., they're not thinking about doing the right thing--but most likely thinking about the punishment.

The word discipline means to teach. It's all about "How do I help this child  remember? How do I help this child  learn to do the right thing...to make wise choices...to take ownership and responsibility for his/her actions?

It starts when children are very young --- once we learn what works with our own unique child, we must be consistent to the expectations we set.

I suggest you talk with your daughter's teacher, to understand what the behavior is--to warrant the card turning.  Is she mature to the point where she CAN sit still for the indicated amount of time? Is she easily distracted? Does she sit near a special friend or someone that distracts her? If so, can her seat be changed? Is she perhaps ADD (ADHD) or just wiggley and highly energetic? Is she bored? Is she getting her work done?

Does your daughter really understand what is expected of her? Have her repeat the rules back to you---and what she understands them to mean. Brainstorm with her how her behavior isn't working for her-- and what are some things she can do, to help her remember. Can her teacher take her privately aside and remind her of the rule for the________whatever---until she remembers?

In Pre-K, I don't understand why she would be punished for not taking a nap. Many children at that age don't take naps. Yes, she should have been quiet and on her cot at that time--perhaps with a book or stuffed animal--- but if she couldn't sleep, she couldn't sleep.

Use natural and logical consequences when possible. Do not put a consequence in place that does not make sense, or is not related to the behavior.

Examples of logical consequences:

Children drop beads they are stringing; they pick them up.

A child tears up someone’s paper craft; the child repairs it or helps make a new one.

Someone stays at the computer 15 minutes too long; they lose 15 minutes.

Paper is on the floor—it is cleaned up.

Child behaves inappropriately at the work table or in the gym; after a warning, he/she leaves the area until they remember to follow the rule.

Children run down the hall; they turn around, go back and walk.

They spills their drink; they wipe it up. Etc.

Again, only apply the logical consequence. If any words are spoken such as, “How many times have I told you to be careful?!”  it is no longer a logical consequence, but a punishment.

This is often a difficult concept for adults to grasp. Many adults think a child needs to "feel bad" for a learning experience to occur. Just remember and ask yourself, "How is this helping my child to learn an appropriate, alternative behavior?

Answer 20

Call Nany 911 HURRY!!!

Answer 21

The teachers are hoping that the threat of a note home will cause the kids to not get in trouble.

Find out if all the kids keep getting notes home all the time.

If so, then obviously the system is not working very well and there is no fear of the note home. Because, it may be being over-used.

If so, I suggest that a group of you discuss this with the teachers. Tell them for the system to work, the notes home need to be rare so that the punishment can be enough to make the kids not want to get any more notes home.

Answer 22

no tv for a couple of hours.. or whatever she likes to do she cant for a while (not long though its trial and error learningfor them)

Answer 23

I agree.  The system they are enforcing is to broad for a child that age to grasp.  I think I would speak to the teacher and ask exactly what the criteria is that requires a turned card.  Tell them you don't feel that punishing your child at home for talking in line or other minor infractions is appropriate and it should be handled at the time the incident occurs.  

Children at the age of 5-6 don't always remember what they did wrong 4 hours ago or even 1 hour in some cases, so handing out a punishment that late doesn't necessarily even serve the appropriate purpose.

I think if you speak with the teacher and possibly work together to determine a more appropriate form of "punishment" (I hate that word) she may even find it to be more effective in managing her classroom.

Answer 24

Have her do age appropriate chores.  Help with the dishes, take out the trash, help fold the laundry, etc.  Its important not to make her feel like she's "bad", but that there are consequences for not following directions in school.

Answer 25

I was spanked on the reer end with a big wooden spoon till I was about twelve. I was one of few kids in kindergarten who ever did get spanked, and was known to be the best behaved kid in the class. My parents spanked me, and though I hated it at the time, I can honestly say I look back and am thankful for it. They saved me from a whole load of trouble by establishing their authority over me, and because I respected their authority, I obeyed them. (not only at home, but at school too cause I knew what I would get when I got home) There are worse things than getting spanked, like what you could get into if you didn't regard the consequences. You tell me, what's worse, a kid getting spanked for playing near the rail road tracks and never going back, or a kid that doesn't and didn't mind their punishment, and ending up going back to the railroad tracks out of disobedience and getting hurt?

You may call that abuse, or a reign of terror, or whatever, but my parents laid down the law, and showed me that there are consequences for my actions. I wasn't afraid, nor did I hate them for it. And like I said, I'm thankful that my parents didn't spare the rod as they raised me.

Answer 26

Sounds like boot camp to me ...no way would I send a child of mine to that type of shut up and be quite ...children should be seen but not heard  school...

Answer 27

You should sit her on a naughty step when misbehaving or getting a card from school, remove all her treats and create a sticker chart for when she does good, positive things.

How the naughty step works:

when a child is naughty they are placed in an area that is safe and they stay there for the age of the child in minutes when the time is up (if they are still there) then they can be allowed to return to play ect. only if they say sorry. But if they move from the step then the time is reset.

Answer 28

It's not her fault. I mean she's six years old. No one has perfect behavior at that age. All you should do is put her in time out in a corner. Dont be too hard with her. I would say the teachers are too strict.

Answer 29

Sounds to me like the school is overly strict and expects young children to act like robots. I'd discuss what she did wrong to make sure she understands it, discuss what she can do to improve her behavior, and, if it sounds like something worth punishing, take away TV or something like that. Maybe she can write a note of apology to her teacher. She needs to know that you expect her to behave but she also needs to know that you don't think of her as a bad person.

Answer 30

try talking to her about it 1st. she's only 6 after all. explain what she did wrong. if u get another note home, have her sit on the step for 10 minuits. if u get another note home, have hre halp with the chores. every time it happens have something else happen that she wont want, the worst of it being the TV taken away. if u are gental but harsh the 1st time, she will learn that it is not good behavior.

Answer 31

I have the same issue with my daughters school.  They have a similar program and I hate it.  What I hate the most is that they can always earn it back BUT if the slip up at the end of the day theres no time to fix it and my daughter comes home crying because shes on yellow.

This is my theory.  My daughter is also a good child.  She knows the rules.  Howver she is 7 and can't always remembe rto raise her hand etc. etc. So if she gets a 'bad' color for something stupid like that I say hey ok, try harder next time.

She has NEVER gotten a 'bad' color for doing anything actually bad.  Now if she punches a kid then I'll punish her.  In my opinion the schools have the right idea but are going overboard.

Besides the public humiliation of having to move their clip is enough punishment for most little kids.  Also they have to sit quietly with their head down, miss recess, etc.  If not, their parents dont care and the system isnt going to work anyway.

She was already 'punished' at school.  If it is a repeat problem consider consequences but an occasional issue of minor nature does not need more then a quick I know you will try harder to follow the rules.

Children who misbehave arent bad or naughty.  They are making poor choices.