Put your self inside the shoes of adoptees.?

Question

a. Would you rather be poor and stay with your birthmm, it might be that you have walk to class, wear people hand me downs..

b. Would you rather be adopted into a wealthy family, without ever knowing your birth parents, but you can have whatever you want?

I know this question is pretty much black and white, and real life adoption is probably different, the reason I want to ask this question is because of adoptees' answer on my previous question, many of those people would actually prefer not being adopted when they're young

Answer 1

Your question is flawed as it turns the adoption situation around completely.   In reality, it is the birth parent who CHOOSES, one way or the other, to relinquish a child.  A child chooses NOTHING.  

The way you are putting it may as well be rephrased as, "do you dump someone you love (in this case, your b-mom), just because she is poor"?    

Obviously the answer is NO, and the fact that 'blood runs thicker than water' has nothing to do with it.   It has more to do with the fact that, ideally, we love people unconditionally just as they are,  and not for their money or other material benefit that they provide to us.   In other words, this is not an instinctive  biological decision, this is a conscious decision based on altruism and not egoism.  

However, this all is quite irrelevant to whatever conclusion you are trying to make out if the answers given to you, because, as I said, the way your question is formulated has nothing to do withe the way adoption operates.

Answer 2

The family that adopted me is not rich; I never had a pony or a horse, though I’d loved to have had one. I didn’t get a fancy car when I turned 16.  I didn’t have top of the line clothing etc.  It helped that i'm not and never have been that big of a materialistic person.

If you take away the money issues would I have picked to stay with birthmother or be adopted into the family that adopted me? I would pick to be adopted into the family that adopted me. My birthmother was a drug addict I can no doubt thank her for some of my learning disabilities and having epilepsy when I was younger.  Even going beyond her; why would I choose to be raised by her when her own family didn’t accept me for being a mixed raced baby?  

When it comes down to it, it really has nothing to do with money. Of course I’m thankfully I didn’t stay with her as she was often homeless and who knows the scum she probably hung out with because of her addictions.  I will say this I wouldn’t have chosen to be adopted by a family that was rich over the one that adopted me. I do agree money does not buy love.

Blood is overrated. It’s the spirit and soul that is everlastingly

BTW - Good post littleJaina's.

Answer 3

I can't answer for everyone, but I can answer for me and that's what you want. I don't have to imagine, I'm an adoptee. I would rather be cared for/loved and have what I need (shelter, food, etc)--if not what I want. So, my answer would depend on who is able and willing to provide these things? My parents (I don't refer to them as "adoptive parents", they are simply my parents) provided this and I can't imagine life without them. However, if birth parents can and will provide this, than that's great too. To sum it up, as an infant, I would rather be lovingly rocked to sleep than crying it out in a dark/lonely room....filled with pricey toys and fancy clothes galore. Forget the pony, I'll take love--which doesn't require blood or money.

Answer 4

Poor and with my natural family. Let me explain my reasons.

My adoptive Mom was an amazing woman and mother. Kind of like the ultimate Stepford wife. I wasn't aware that cookies could be bought at a store until I was around 11, watched only the most educational tv shows, was immersed in culture and languages, our xmas stockings were 5 feet tall, I rarely wore pants and most of my clothing was bought from high end department stores like Holt Renfrew, we took yearly vacations to exotic locals; I was brought up in a decidedly posh existence. All was bliss but still I longed for who I really was.

When I found my natural Mom I found a woman who was not wealthy, had struggled for everything she owned and accomplished and had made her own way in this world. I also found a woman who's mannerisms and features matched my own. I found a sister only 17 months younger who I felt an immediate bond with and a family who welcomed me with open arms. I found immense love.

I lost my a-mom at 14 doubling my sense of loss, not only had I lost a mom at birth but now I had lost one at another crucial time, puberty. I suffer from Attatchment disorders, borderline personality and anorexia. All stemming from adoption.

Even the most wealthy and well meaning adoptive parents can not substitute for looking into your own eyes as you grow. No amount of money or love can stop disorders from exploding when they were developed in the first few months of your life. I would give anything not to be a nutter, I would give anything to have had the chance to become what I was intended to be.

Answer 5

I personally was adpted when i was little and i think that sometimes it's the best things that is good for the childres depending on how rude or mean there birth mom and dad were too them when they were born.

Answer 6

You ask this question because you don't really know what you're saying.  You're assuming that if you were poor and with your biological mother you would have had few posessions but a stable loving parent.  

Nothing could be farther from the truth.  Money is usually only the main issue when it is rather severe poverty at stake.  Children that live below the poverty line with single parents often don't get to see that parent all that frequently.  The mom's work long hours, or work nights.  If they're young, they will also want to spend time with friends and that can also take away from their kids.  You wouldn't be replacing the memories you have with you adoptive parents with those of your biological mother.  Likely, you'd be replacing them with memories of boring, cramped, lonely rooms; or memories of the old lady who lived down the street who would check in on you.  

In addition, where do you think kids in gangs come from?  Are you saying that you would rather be a kid who grew up in an effectual WAR ZONE, who experienced the loss of friends to bullets as a child, than to be adopted?  

Of course, this is an over simplification, because adoption isn't really all that clear cut.  I'm just saying that your question is inherantly stupid.  I know alot of kids who WERE "raised" by their teenage biological "mothers" that would have jumped at a chance to be adopted.  They ache for any contact from anyone who will care for them or give thema ny attention at all.  Please put your own problem in perspective.

Answer 7

i would much rather be poor, but with my bio parents. there is no amount of money in the world that is going to change the fact that the only things in my life that are blood related to me are my own children. i have gone my entire life without knowing one single person who was actually related to me. i am a very well adjusted adoptee, but it's still there. my whole life and my entire being is unknown.

Answer 8

I am an adoptee and would have rather been poor and stayed with my birthmom than to have been given up for adoption.  I was adopted by a great woman but the cost was far to great for me.

Answer 9

what adoptees have to realize is that it isnt just being poor and living with your real parents, i am putting my baby up for adoption and poor isnt the problem, we are so poor that if i had those expenses as well i would be on the street.  if it was just the fact of living a little less i would probably keep him although that tears at me some too.

Answer 10

well you have one here that did not want to go to their bio mom and i would have wanted any other place if i could have spoken but i was one day old when she left me with my dad and sisters and then i was taken by my great uncle and aunt and it was the best move they could have done.  it wouldn't have mattered just not with bio parents i am ok thank God.

Answer 11

I would have much rather been poor and with my mother - no doubt about it. All the material possessions in the world could not replace her.

Can you, for one minute, imagine what it's like to not know your own mother and be told that it doesn't matter because you have a replacement mother now and she's the one who tucks you in and helps with homework and therefore you should be okay with that?

Answer 12

I would choose to stay with my birth mom and be poor, but too bad that infants don't get to choose in the real world.

Answer 13

I would rather be rich and with my adoptive parents. See, when my siblings and I got taken away from the BIO MOM AND DAD, that was the best thing for us. We were abused both ways. And lived in filth!!!! Then we were taken my BIG grandparents and once again got the same treatment so, the state took us and thank god each day they did. Not ever person that is adopted wants to be with their BITH MOM!!!! To this day, my BIRTH MOM, claims she has NO KIDS!!! She knows where we are and HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US!!!!! She had us for TEN YEARS. So, for me rich adn adopted thank you!!!!!!! So, when people sit here and say being with the BIO MOM is the best thing for a baby, think twice and ask people who are adopted where they came from and what has happen before you JUDGE a birth mom wanting to give her baby a chance.

Answer 14

You forgot to offer another option, would you like to stay with a birth mother that doesn't love you, neglects you and may eventually allow you to die in a hot vehicle while she parties it up?

A big reason birth mothers give up their children is because of a lack of emotional attachment to them and a desire to take care of themselves first.  I would think being with an adoptive family would be much better..

Answer 15

l went into a crying jag cause l had my son put up for adoption and l still have no idea where he is cause no one will tell me. but l would rather be rich or poor. doesn`t matter

Answer 16

money doesn't make someone a good parent.

I would much rather have lived with my mother and been poor.

Money couldn't help the pain of losing her and my family go away.

Answer 17

I would want to say with regular mom no amount of money is equal to family

Answer 18

Poor with bio mom.  Hands down!

But get this, I was raised by lower middle class adoptive parents, and given away by a mother from a very wealthy family.

Why was is supposed to be 'better'?  Married parents.

Answer 19

First of all NO ONE gives their baby up for adoption for the reason of wealth. I am adopting a baby and his parents just can NOT care for the baby, I"m not speaking money wise but emotional they can't, they won't, they aren't.. It takes a lot more than money to raise a baby

Answer 20

Tough question... I'd hate to actually make the choice in real life, but it would probably be wiser to be adopted by wealthy parents.

Answer 21

wow um.. i was adopted when i was younger by wealthy people who gave me everything i wanted BUT LOVE and they treated me like c**p and i was more of thier maid then anything so i would have to say ....

Would you rather be poor and stay with your birth mom,

Answer 22

Definetly would have rather be poor and stayed with my mom.

I was the same age as my mom when I had my child, only I didn't give him up,  I was very poor when he was little, and am not rich now.  I see the huge differences in our personalities, and my son is way better off than I was at his age, he is grounded and secure, he doesn't have abandonment issues,  he doesn't have anxiety issues.

My son was much better off being raised by a single poor mother than I as being raised by well-off, well-meaning, but ultimately perplexed strangers.

Answer 23

Didn't somebody already ask this question?

No I would not want to be adopted into a family where I got everything I wanted.  Children usually do not do well in those types of environments.  Just look at Miss Hilton.  Blech.  No thanks.

As for your other question, who said my first parents were poor?

You are making a lot of unfair and prejudice assumptions about people who relinquish their children for adoption.

I wonder why?

Answer 24

I'd love to meet the people out there who would say "to heck with my family, I want a pony!". Of course I would rather have my mother than any amount of money in the world. The only thing my money can buy me now to ease the pain of losing my mother is my therapy bills.

If non-adopted people wouldn't want to give up your entire families and live with strangers and have to pretend nothing happened and not be allowed to grieve, why should anything different be expected of us just because we were babies/toddlers?

Answer 25

My first mother wasn't poor she was a respectable middle class medical student

Given the choice I would have stayed with my own mother, of course!  rich or poor

I have visited many poverty stricken countries of the world and seen some of the poorest people, who funnily enough, have been some of the happiest, family oriented people I've ever met.  Family is everything and yes, blood is thicker . . .

That is not to say I don't love my adoptive parents, or had a 'bad experience' I lived a priviledged life and had an average 'normal' adoption experience.  But given the choice I would have preferred to be 'stuck with my bio mom' as you so delicately put it, I think if any baby could state a preference, it would be a no-brainer - baby wants mommy hands down.  

I'm sure my babies would agree.  I mean if I told my five year old "mommy loves you so much darling, I just love you so much so that is why I'm going to give you to a lovely couple who are alot richer than mommy, ok?  I'm just thinking of what is best for you"  I'm sure my child would NOT be jumping for joy at my selfless act of love.  In fact I can guarantee they would be sobbing.

A substitute mother can be nice, but it's just not the same (shock, horror, I'm rather fond of my substitute mother but she is no replacement for the real thing)

Answer 26

If there's one thing the frequent posters on these boards have made clear, it's that, as littleJaina wrote, "adoption isn't really all that clear cut." I don't really think that the "rich family/ poor family" issue would really have any influence on what someone would have rather had chosen for them.

It just seems obvious to me that, given the choice between two equally stable and loving home lives - one being with a natural family and one being with an adopted family, everybody would choose the natural family, hands down - regardless of the financial status of either.

Answer 27

Since I was relatively poor (at least certainly not well off) walking to school, wearing my uncle's hand me downs and the like...  And that was with my adoptive family...  It's not much of a contest, is it?  I mean, how do I answer this?  I love my adoptive family.  But I wasn't really better off than if my nmom had kept me.  So if I had to go back and do it all over?  Well, I'd still be an infant and not get a say.  

Which brings us back to one of the big problems with adoption:  adults making decisions for children that are in the best interests of the adults.  When the child grows up and raises questions, he's told that he isn't allowed to know about the past, that he's ungrateful, that he's ruining it for everyone else, that...  yada yada yada...

Answer 28

People may prefer their blood relatives not only for the blood factor, but that they don't necessarily just care about having "whatever you want."  Please remember that asking someone whether or not they want to be given up in the first place brings into question not only blood--maybe not even mainly blood--but the question of being wanted or being rejected in the first place.  Adoptees, given to loving adoptive families or not, face a certain amount of this pain at some point in their lives.  It is very evident in many of the answers, in fact.  (It's more about rejection/being able to go back to what was left behind/taken than blood.)

However, even so, your question compares apples to fish boats.  There are two different issues here, and the "rich" angle is a poor attempt to offset the feeling of rejection adoptees feel (again to some degree).  If you would have stated the question differently, say that the birth parents would be abusive and the adoptive parents would be kind, loving, supportive, you might get VERY different answers.  After all...when it comes down to it, isn't BEING A PARENT about TAKING CARE OF/RAISING the child?  Giving BIRTH is about having s*x and conceiving (and now that abortion is legal, choosing to go through with the result).

Blood really has nothing to do with it.  Other than organ transplants, blood means nothing if that is all you have.

I am an adoptee, and the fact is the parents I got were wonderful.  I wasn't rich--by far--but I was loved and cared for.  If I'd had the chance way back, would I have wanted my birth mother to be able to afford/care for me?  Sure.  But she couldn't, and in the end, blood really means nothing.  The woman and man who truly gave me my life are the two who signed the papers.  They are the ones that held me through my ear infections, and countless bad dreams.  They are the ones who saw me to my first day in kindergarten, and my graduation from college.  They are the ones who did all the little and big things for me, with me, as I grew.  THEY ARE my mother and my father.  

Blood and scads of money are irrelevant--and in fact, your question really IS ignorant and an offensive simplification of what goes into both giving up and adopting a baby, as well as what an adoptee might be thinking ("Let's see, blood or money?") when faced with being adopted.  (As if they ever had a choice...)

I find it VERY interesting that a good number of actual adoptees answering this question do not like it.  Many of their abandonment issues come out, and some just flat out are self-aware enough to see the flaw in this question outright.  Might be something to think about....

Answer 29

I am adopted, i love my family, they were not rich, this is not about money, sorry you think it is, i would not want any family but the one i have, i always knew i was adopted along with my 5 siblings, it made us feel extra special, we had 2 incredible parents there are no better parents for any of us, we were meant to be together, i hate your question and do not understand the point you are trying to make

Answer 30

Money does not equal love.

Answer 31

I would rather be poor and stay with my birth family. I think that being poor is a lame excuse to give up your child. I was adopted and feel there are many reasons for adoption that stink. Anyway back in the 50's and 60's being unwed and pregnant was looked at differently than it is today. From what I was told that is when the girl was shipped off to some far off relative until the child was born and after the adoption was allowed to return home, telling everyone that she was helping an ill relative. Sometimes the adoptive parents are worse than being poor and having to walk to class in the old hand me downs.