Qualms about a plan for engagement at 16?

Question

I am 16 years old but I consider myself to be quite mature for my age. Recently my boyfriend and I have been discussing plans of engagement. He is quite a few years older than me so I'm sure he knows what he wants. I, on the other hand have years of growing up to do, and although I see it as highly unlikely that my views of and love for him will change, there is always that possibility. One of the major problems with our relationship is that it is mandatory that it is kept a secret, for many different reasons. Therefore, my parents do not know about him and would be kept out of plans for engagement until we are ready to wed. I am a little nervous that somewhere along the line, things will go sour and I will have spent years of my teenage life engaged. I am in a tough situation and I'm not sure if it would be best to just keep things as they are or to go ahead with the engagement. We are truly happy together and experience feelings for each in which we feel could not be found else where.

What are your opinions?

Answer 1

You write: Qualms about a plan for engagement

You have qualms.  Anyone who has qualms should NOT get engaged.  Tell him no, not at this time.  Tell him if he asks you again in a few years you will reconsider.  But for the present, you must say no.

When it is time to get engaged, you will have no qualms.

Answer 2

Anything that has to be kept a secret is automatically problematic.  If everything is above-board, then it shouldn't be a secret.  If it's a secret, then something isn't right.  That alone, coupled with the fact that he is much older than you are, says you should not make a commitment.  You are wise for your years to be concerned about this.  If marriage with this guy is the right thing, then it will still be the right thing two or four or six years from now.  It will also be the right thing when it doesn't have to be a secret.  It's a wrong thing if it has to be a secret.

Answer 3

It's one of the most important decisions you'll ever have to make, and if you are unsure of it, it means it's not right.  That is one thing you should KNOW 100% before you act.  If you don't know, tell him you think you should wait until you're older or until you are more sure about engagement. If you're not sure about it now, trust me--you'll be even more unsure about it when you are actually engaged and when you get married.  You should never start an engagement until you are positive it's what you want to do!  

Answer 4

Yeah, this sounds like it will work. He's "quite a few years older" than you, your 16, you have NO idea how many times you will change your feelings about what 'love is' before your even 20, and it's 'mandantory' that the relationship is kept a secret. Wow!  

Answer 5

You are right.  Sixteen is too young to be engaged.  If he respects you, he will wait to get engaged until you are ready.  I remember hearing on a radio talk show with somebody who works with battered women that it is rather common for abusive men to date really young girls and to try to pressure them into marriage early on so they can trap her and control her afterwards.  Most abusive men come off seeming very charming and sweet at first so that they can hook you and you don't realize what you're getting into, so even if he treats you well now, it doesn't mean he won't abusive later on.  Just be careful and cautious.

Answer 6

Oh how I've been there!  I started dating my high school sweetheart at 15.  We were sure that we were meant to be and got engaged just after I turned 18.  I never went away to college, instead I went to the local CC to be near him.  I lost touch with my friends because I felt I didn't need them so long as I had him.  I was sooo in love.  But being engaged is hard!  It's like dating on steroids and suddenly every little thing that annoyed you is a huge deal.  You think "Am I really willing to live with this FOREVER?"  I finally decided I was not.  We had been together just under 5 years when we broke up and I've had to work to not resent him for "taking away" my college years.  I know that I chose that path but I still feel like I missed out.  

I recommend avoiding long engagements.  If you're not sure it's right (and even if you are) just wait.  From my experience I can't help but think that being secretly engaged would not change your relationship, other than changing how you think about each other (as I described above), which will only add stress.  

I also feel that I should mention I'm engaged now, two years after the break up with the ex-fiance.  It was really hard for my current fiance to deal with the fact that I'd been engaged before.  

Aside from all that, after meeting my current fiance I feel that I can honestly tell you, when it's right you just KNOW.  We met in April were engaged in June and will be married in September.  Like I said...no long engagements. :)  Best of luck with your decision!

Answer 7

I think you sound incredibly sensible about the whole situation and if I read your question correctly, I think you already know what most people would consider right. Don't get engaged just yet, just enjoy being together, like you said, feelings can change, and if they don't, you will still be together in a few years when you will be in a better place to decide.

I think your parents would be hurt (mine would) if they found out you were engaged when they didn't even know you had a boyfriend. Maybe you could introduce him as a friend first, then let the relationship develop more publicly?

I am pleased for you that you are happy, but I really would just keep things as they are for a few more years.

Good luck.

Answer 8

If you have iffy feelings about all this than its not a good idea, as romantic as it seems to be engaged at such a young age, its not a good idea, i thought i was head over heals inlove when i was 16 and we were acutally together for over 2 years, but broke up eventually and now I am having my first child with THE MAN i will spend the rest of my life with. Think about it in the long run . . . . if hes a few years older than you than he should be doing something with this life, is he??? Does he have plans? What about kids, money, living?? Think about it all

Answer 9

Have you ever read the quote from Benjamin Franklin: "When in doubt, don't."?

It seems like you realize that getting engaged may not be the best idea at the time.  You are only 16 and have much life to live.  You will change a lot in the next few years, trust me!

When I was 17, I was absolutely head-over-heels in love with a guy.  He was 23.  We had to keep our relationship secret for many reasons as well.  After being together for almost two years we had begun talking about marriage and he wanted to get engaged.  I was almost 19 by then, so I was already a few years older than you are now.  My parents found out and all h**l broke loose.  

In that time I found that although I had loved this guy at 17, by the age of 19 I had changed so much and no longer ahd the same ideas and goals as he did.

Now, I'm 23 and happily married to a wonderful man, and I'm soo happy that I waited to make a decision as big as who I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Hope you make the right decision for yourself.

Answer 10

While he may very well be the man that you will grow old with, you're still very young for engagement and marriage. Married life changes a lot of things and you can never get back the time you'll lose as a young free spirit.

You're not done growing up yet. You might not be physically growing anymore but you will change a lot as a person in the coming years of your life, and you'll need some space and freedom to do so. My boyfriend when I was 16 wanted to marry me and we agreed on it. I thought there was no one else I could ever possibly be happy with. I had seen him in dreams, imagined our children together, etc. etc. Well only a year later he had other plans in mind and called it quits. Lo and behold I found someone much better for me when I didn't think such a person could even exist.

My recommendation is just take it slowly. If 5 years (or more) from now you're still together when you're older and ready to settle down, then go ahead and go for it, but there's no need to rush it, especially when you'll have parents breathing down your neck at every move.

Answer 11

The point of an engagement is to make a statement that you intend to marry. Having a secret engagement rather defeats the purpose.

Answer 12

It's difficult because no one really knows your life and how much you are in love but you. I would say if it is true love, wait. You want your family to be involved no matter how difficult it is to tell them and how difficult it is for them to get over your relationship they will eventually come around. Wait until you are at least 18 to make the choice if you are going to get married. You only have one shot at having your teenage years. If you don't enjoy them you will regret it down the road- if not right away.

If it is ment to be, it will happen even if you wait.

Answer 13

A mature 16 year old would be responsible enough to wait on an engagement. I know I changed a ton from 16-22, and I know that the guy I dated for 3 years and me now would never work. The person you are now is not the person you will be in a few years. I would wait and learn more about your relationship and yourself and don't set yourself up for divorce.

Answer 14

Please do NOT get engaged or even think about getting married. You are much too young!  I know it doesn't seem like it from your point of view, but from the other side (middle age) you will realize how very young and inexperienced you were at 16.

Live your life to the fullest now. Worry about settling down much later.