Question about a newly found biological sister? (Lengthly..Sorry)?

Question

Our family just recently found out about and met a daughter that my father never knew that he had; up until about 9-10 months ago. During this time our father, and I have been very excited about it, and have spent a lot of time getting to know her, trading photo's etc. I've never had a bio-sister so for me it's been very exciting. The problem is the rest of the family. My step-mother who is 17 years younger than my father is upset and initially left Dad when she found out about his "new" daughter; which to me is bizarre; as my father would have conceived this child roughly 14 years prior to my father ever even meeting my (very insecure) step-mother. Further; most of the family feels that she (new sibling) is butting into our lives. She does have a strong and somewhat needy personality; I've just assumed that at some level this has something to do with having been given up for adoption, and her feelings of rejection (she has spoken to me about this so it is not an assumption)

Answer 1

Lots of little pieces of advice, apologies for the blunt delivery.

First, your step mother is really just going to have to suck it up.  Yes, she's going to take a lesser role in your dad's life while he catches up with his daughter.  Her job as a part of his life is to be supportive and helpful and be a part of him getting to know his daughter.  Your dad should do everything he can to include her in the process, too, so she isn't quite so left out.  That's a huge juggling act that needs to be negotiated between those two.  Unfortunately, there's not a lot that you'll be able to do about this from your position, but that's the nature of the beast.

Second, your new sister is reasonably needy.  It really sucks to grow up without a family and I'm certain that she has a pile of emotional catching up to do.  In a lot of ways, it's the family's responsibility to welcome her and help her get caught up with the things that she's missed.

On the other hand, she can't expect to spontaneously become everyone's best friend.  Even if she is emotionally needy, friendships (especially among family members) take years to develop.  While she can expect to be included in family business to a certain extent, you still need to develop friendships the hard way.

I hope this is helpful.

Answer 2

sounds like some people might be upset about their slice of the pie!!!

you're great. who knows what's going on with your stepmom.

get those books. she may be needy and it can be draining. don't be afraid to talk to her openly. she may not be aware of coming across this way. i am a new stepmom and before we got married, i made my husband promise that we would continue our pre-maritial counseling. i highly reccomend it. it's done us a world of good. it helps with how to handle everyone's new emotions.

she's so lucky to have you. it'll be bumpy at first, but it'll all work out in the end. a year from now, it'll be old hat.

best wishes.

Answer 3

well i also had bio sisters i found out two of them i was the one adpted out and i was the luckies of the 3 of us. anyhow i found them again and we were around with earch other for over 20 years and then bang one day my oldest sisters started treating me ugly. we have retired and we went last year for couple weeks and helped take care of her and animals cuse she was in the hosp for week. she had arteriy cleaned out. anyhow i did stuff for her not asking for nothing and this year she asked us to come for month. while her daughter and soninlaw was living there with her. well anyhow after two weeks she quit speaking to me and got ugly and i mean she mentioned toilet paper being 2 a day she used it to clean up her small dogs and did alot of stuff with it and mentioned we're using too much. i nearly died. we had gone to the grocery store 3 or 4 times in one one buying food and stuff and she mentioned she was paying otoo much for utilities and food. i mean to tell you it was horrible. after few day sof this we left and i told her i wold never see her agian. so you see it could change and be like this. i dont' feel i was needy but loved being around her and stuffbut his was unreal. anyhow that is what can happen so be very cool with her and how would you talking the rest of the family to go alone. well let me tell you shes and outsider and you all know it. she was your dad daughter by birth. it shouldn't be so hard to know that you can't just turn your back but there are lot of mena people in this world you have to sit down with them and talk to them about it. tell them its not right and that you can't believ they are acting like this try and get through to them take care.

Answer 4

read: journey of the adopted self, by betty jean lifton and give it to all of your family members for christmas.

Answer 5

Just be open and honest with her. Talk with her and re-assure her that you and your father will not reject her. As for the rest of the family, you can't make them accept her. Which is sad that people can be that shallow.

Answer 6

I'm sorry that it's messy.

Reunion often is.

Trying to make up for lost years - I've come to realise - is just often an impossibility. When all involved just remember to breathe and take things one step at a time - and try to see each other from each other's point of view - a better outcome can be achieved.

I like Gershom's idea above me - a great book for all to read.

Ultimately you can't change peoples minds - but you can make them aware of the many and varied issues involved - and hopefully they can then make a loving and caring decision based upon that.

I would suggest to your sister that you've heard of a great on-line adoptee forum - that she could check out.

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Perhaps there she could find an outlet to voice her angst - without it appearing to be dumped only on to you. (not that I'm saying she's doing that - but finding so many others that do have similar feelings to my own - as an adoptee - has been incredibly helpful to me - and perhaps your sister would also benefit from a support group like this)

Sadly some family members may feel that she's 'after' something - and perhaps are wary. From the many adoptees I know - and myself included - most adoptees are just wanting to know their first families - and to be acknowledged. Being given away by your mother/family - whether through pressure, or simply because they thought it was the best thing for you or even if you were hurt & neglected by your parents - is a hurtful thing to deal with.

I wish you all the best - your sister is extremely lucky to have found you and your father - family members that have beautiful and understanding hearts.

That alone would be helping her greatly.

Answer 7

how can a daughter have a butting personality? That is your father's daughter and she has every right to bother and hound her father. It will take some time for your family to get use to her and they will treat her like an illegitimate child however it is not her fault. Your father and her mother gave her up. If they didnt, your family and step mother would not have a problem with her because she would be in their life. Your step mother is insecure definetly. I dont know why she would leave him. He didnt cheat. Or maybe she feels she cannot give him any children and she is upset that he has some and more showing up out the blue.

It always takes time for a family to adapt to a new member. I dont know why though. Like i said, its not her fault.

Answer 8

You can't make the others come around.  It's sad, but it's their loss.  That doesn't mean you can't, as Gershom and other suggest, try to be an advocate for her in the family.  Ultimately, though, it's going to be up to them to come around.  The most important thing you can do is probably not allow yourself to be influenced by them.  Focus on your relationship with your sister.

As for helping her slow down, I would want it to be discussed openly and honestly.  Possum's suggestion of the forum she links to is number one on my list.  Having others who have gone through similar experiences is maybe the best thing that has happened to me.  You might reassure her that you aren't going anywhere, but that it takes time to develop lasting relationships.  

The more you find out about her experiences, the better able you will be to listen and empathize with what she's going through.  Reading books (such as the one Gershom suggests) is good start to that.

Good luck to you both.  And good for you for being a good sister to her.

Answer 9

soooo, they think she is butting in? ok, fine, develop your relationship and let them be. either they will get over it or they wont.

i was put up for adoption and have found both my birthparents, my b/mothers family shuns me. one brother (my uncle) wont even aknowledge i exist. he said the birth and adoption never happened.

my b/fathers family (so far, only known him about 2 months) are fantastic. but he and i decided from the very beginning that if the family had problems with me we would leave them out of it. my interest is in him, if they dont want me, then so be it.

remind her it does take time, you cant jump in and expect great results. you have to get to know each other. quit sweating what they think, its your sister and his daughter, move ahead with your plans and creating space in your lives for each other.

as for your stepmother--i have no clue. i can imagine being shocked, maybe even upset, but to leave? thats simply rediculous. she must feel she is going to have to share something with this girl. i can understand if the child was born while they were married, that would be bad news. but 14 years before they ever met? was he supposed to have no life before her?

anyway, enjoy your sister. get to know her, and forget the rest, it doesnt matter. they will eventually see she not a horrible ogre, then they can come to you. until then, be excited, jump for joy, share your stories. you deserve it.

congrats to you and your dad for such a wonderful addition to your life. she is a very lucky woman to have found the two of you.