Question about adoption and infertility?

Question

My husband and I chose adoption before we ever tried to have a bio child. Come to find out, we might have trouble getting pregnant. We're not really concerned about it. We're fine with continuing to adopt. However, after all I've learned about the bad side of infant adoption, I don't want to go this route anymore. I was thinking international adoption because I wouldn't be involved in the process of a mother relinquishing their child. Am I correct in thinking this, or is this way off base? I'm also interested in foster to adopt but am concerned about all the issues that come along with foster care. I guess our other option is to spend thousands of dollars trying to have bio children but I really don't want to do this. I would like other people's opinions.

Answer 1

Cowboy fan... Wish I could give you a virtual hug. Seriously, thank you for listening. THANK YOU.

Eek, now the part I don't want to say...

International adoption has its own set of ethical considerations (and some of those considerations vary from country to country). If you're seriously considering it, I would suggest reading up on that, too. Most of us here know more about domestic infant adoption and so try not to talk too much about international, but... there ARE concerns there. You'll need to educate yourself on those concerns, to get the most ethical adoption possible out of an international situation.

However, yes, one HUGE plus of international is that there is no pre-birth matching.

I personally am more comfortable with international adoption IF the country has a solid, ethics-driven process. (Not all do. Guatemala is a mess right now, for example.) But others will disagree with me. So again... just read, read, read.

As for foster adoption: you can adopt a child from U.S. foster care without the risk of returning the child. NOT if you only want a baby... but there are over 100,000 children right now in U.S. foster care who are already legally free for adoption. (Meaning their goal is no longer reunification with bio parents; bio parents' rights have already been terminated.)

There are (you guessed it) ethical considerations surrounding adoption from foster care, too.

Really, there is no perfect type of adoption. There just isn't.

BUT that doesn't mean they're all equally unethical. I DO have more faith in foster care adoption in general, and in certain types of international adoption. At the very least, you can't possibly be, at a personal level, a source of (unintentional)  pressure for a mom relinquishing her parental rights (as in U.S. infant adoption).

Are you a member of any adoption forums? Do you read any adoption blogs? There are so many adoptive parents who are ethics-savvy, who've adopted in all the various ways, writing online right now. They'd be able to offer you some great guidance and help you thnk through the issues.

Good luck.

And again, thank you.

Answer 2

You're right - it's a huge and confusing issue - all of it - but I really admire that you're thinking deeply - from so many angles.

Thank you. This must be all so very hard for you and your husband.

In Australia - very few adoptions take place - under 500 - per year - compared to the US - over 130,000. Mostly this is due to the really tight control on adoption here (no private agencies) - mothers can only make adoption 'plans' after they have given birth and given parenting a try - and Australia only works with a few countries overseas - where strict guidelines are adhered to by nations. (those that adhere to the Hague convention on adoption)

It's sad that there are those that want to profit from others misery - and coerce mothers into giving away their children - making them feel as if there are no other choices.

When dollars are attached to the trading of human babies - there will always be those with no ethical values that will try their hardest to make a buck from another family's misery.

For overseas adoption - perhaps working closely with organizations that are linked closely to UNICEF may prove to be useful - but I do always worry about the extra losses those adoptees have - such as loss of country and language - on top of the stock standard adoptee 'losses' of family.

Perhaps - like others here - you may be able to find young children (even babies) through foster care that have been removed from their parents for safety reasons. It is tragic that there are so many children in foster care - but so many still adopt elsewhere.

For me - I haven't needed to adopt - I was lucky to easily fall pregnant - while for others that can never be. I do wish to open our family to foster care when my little ones are older. I know that we can help others in need - and we intend to help those that need us. Maybe that is the key - adoption only when the child really needs it. Needs an extra loving family. (as all children in need of adoption - come complete with a family & a history - whether contact is possible or not)

If you go in knowing as much as you do - fully opening your heart and your mind to all sides - and all possible scenarios - your heart will lead you to the child that really needs you - rather than the one you need. Then you'll know that you are doing the right thing.

Some adoptive mum blogs - that really 'get' it - who I'm sure would be happy to share their thoughts on this (just tell them Possum sent you!!! LOL) -

http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/

http://goingbacktosquareone.blogspot.com...

http://seriouslyjustme.blogspot.com/

http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/

http://www.allmychildren-christine.blogs...

I really do wish you and your fam the very best.

Answer 3

we have had trouble as well and are doing foster/adopt. then we will still like to go over seas to an orphanage on day as well, and keep trying for our own.

i don't think any way of thinking is ever wrong. this is your family. you dictate what makes you comfortable.

with the foster to adopt. you meet the child first, you can have a trial run to see if it works out. you get to know anything that is known of the parents, you get the monthly stipend and clothing allowance, wick, medical, etc. (in CA anyway) you also get the opportunity to open your home and hearts to a child that may go back home, then get another. what a neat way to help in the world. then later on you may see them as adults and know that you helped lay their foundation. whatever you choose, follow your instincts. maybe sit down and make a list of pros and cons with each agency and type of adoption.

Answer 4

I personally think that domestic and international adoption have many flaws....too many to be safe with either. But thats just lil ole me and I haven't adopted EVER, i've only been on the "adoptee" end of the ......transaction!

I would say, check out http://www.informedadoptions.com/

and speak with them.

Answer 5

Do what your heart tells you and be intentional in your actions (yeah easier said than done huh). There is corruption all over the adoption world.  It's hard to tell what's right I've found this site very helpful with opening my eyes, but you need to keep thing in perspective.

you may be the perfect mom for someone here who is looking. Show her/them that you're not looking to take her/their baby and that you KNOW that if she choses to parent that you understand and can give some support, you're just open to adopt. If you do a private adoption (like we did) you can delay the adoption as long as you all need to feel comfortable with the placement and the baby can go back to his/her mother if she feels she made a horrible mistake. It was 18 months before we finalized and I knew she had all that time to change her mind and I couldn't (moraly) stand in her was. I'll tell you what ......... It feels good knowing that she had all that time and that is something you can offer the a PBP.

You may be able to replace a PAP who will do anything to gat a baby. You can be a positive person in her life, if you want to be.

God bless you for considering the mothers.

Answer 6

Infertility is heartbreaking and very expensive.  Suffering from infertility and then reading some of the answers from adoptees in this forum, I realize that there are "some" similarities in our feelings.  Not saying that the two situations should be compared, but I think that there are feelings of loss and "never knowing" that are experienced by all.  

That being said, our infertility treatments almost destroyed me - physically & emotionally.  Before we adopted, I needed to grieve the loss of pregancy and ever being a bio mom.  For us, our situation was different because we didn't go looking for adoption so to speak, it actually found us.  I don't know if I could have gone through the whole process of waiting to be chosen by a birth family in the "typical" way adoption is processed.  

I understand your thoughts about international adoption, but you need to be careful of the country you choose.  Unfortunately, Guatemala is one of the countries that is "rumored" to have coerced a lot of birth mothers into making an adoption plan for their children.  In reading your question and other responses you have given, I believe you would feel just as horrible as I would if you found out that a bio mom was coerced into adoption.  So I would definitely recommend that you research the country you are considering if you decide to go international.  

You also mentioned that you are concerned about foster care because of some of the issues that come along with that.  Have you considered a "special needs" foster situation?  Some of the medically necessary "special needs" are younger children who do not necessarily have the extra issues that I think you refer to.  It doesn't have to be a life-threatening type of illness or disorder, but it could just be a child that has another medical concerns.  Just a thought.

I think that you should be commended for the thoughts that you put into your current family as well as any future adoptions.  I feel fortunate to have met others like you in this category!  : )

Good luck.

Answer 7

You need to do more research on domestic adoption. There are far MORE success stories than you may be aware of, due to the media, highlighting horror stories for reviews.  In any case, there are pros and cons to both in my opinion. Are you aware that your international placement will take about as long as domestic, however, you baby may not come to you until he/she is over 3 months old? Plus, you may have to travel as well to that country a couple of times prior to bringing him/her home.  With domestic, yes, you have to deal with the parent(s) relinqushing their rights, however, if you deal with a reputable agency, chances are, that the birth mother has been through some pretty good counseling, and has made her choice on her own with the help of others who are "supporting" her decision, not manipulating her. It's in her hands the entire time, yes, but like I said, there are far more success stories out there.

Since you say that you "may" be infertile, it sounds like you have not been through infertility treatments.  With that said, if there is a chance you can get pregnant, have you thought about the added challenges an adopted child will face with a biological child in your home.  Just another thought, but needs to be considered by you seriously. As far as the boxers and the thermometer...........those are good pointers, however, unless you have consulted a fertility specialist, those on very minor suggestions!

As far as the money goes, if that is what you are concerned with, then you may not be aware of the cost of adoption either. It can be costly, as costly as an IVF round, or more. Not only that, but very emotionally costly as well. You need to have a very solid relationship, IVF is tough.

Either way, I think you need to do more research first, or, go ahead and foster first, then take the IVF avenue, or the adoption avenue after. Good Luck

Answer 8

Please, please Cowboy, try this:

http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your...

Can 990 people giving this book 5 stars be wrong?

http://www.walgreens.com/store/product.j...

These 2 items and I was pregnant in a month at 38 y.o.  

If I hadn't used this book, I don't know if I'd have ever gotten pregnant for two reasons, one is I had NO idea when I ovulated.  The other was because sometimes you have to have s*x when you don't 'feel' like it.

Also, boxers for hubby, and avoid super hot showers.

Try it for 6 mos.  It's easy, all it takes is taking your temp everyday, and s*x on the day you ovulate & the day after, no matter what.

P.S. I almost didn't post this because I was worried about the infertile women reading this, I hope I didn't offend anyone.

Answer 9

I understand what people are saying about the lack of information for the child from an international adoption.  However, please remember what will happen to these kids if they're NOT adopted!  In many cases (and of course you'll want to read up on these) the children are already in orphanages in rather hopeless conditions.  You of course don't want to get involved with an orphanage that is "buying babies" from mothers in order to sell them to the US, but there are many of the other type in existance.  In these cases, the mothers either left them because they could not care for them, or the babies truly are orphans (no parents alive).  

Yes, it's trajic for the child that they will have no records available of where they came from.  They'll never know their mother's name or what type of medical issues they may encounter.  The thing is, they'll never know any of that even if you don't adopt them.  The choice they're facing is living on charity in a crowded, under provided orhpanage until they're old enough to turn out for manual labor - or adoption.  Hmm, is this a hard choice?  

So many people on here talk about not considering the child's feeling when adopting.  In this case, since the child's own condition (in terms of medical records and self knowledge) will not change if they are adopted or not adopted, the only reason to not adopt would be to spare your own feelings watching them struggle.

All that being said, I still think adopting from foster care is a better course of action.  Yes, in those cases mothers have still relinquished - but usually if they're in those situations those mothers weren't fit.  Older kids in foster care espescially have a very difficult time getting adopted, and to give one of those a permanent home is a wonderful thing.

Answer 10

Adopting internationally may allow you to feel better about not having to be involved with a woman placing her child but really is isn't likely to make any difference to the child. Loss is loss. A baby isn't aware that they are international or domestic.

With international adoption you also run the risk of NEVER knowing the child's full medical background and the child runs the risk of NEVER being able to reunite with their natural family. Many adoptees are only able to heal because of reunion. That is part of  the strong call for open records. Because we deserve and need to know who we were born to be.

I'm on the fence about open adoption. In theory it sounds like a cake walk. In practice it is often a sham. You are a very level headed person, IMHO, and I doubt you would be the type to pretty up your own adoption desires by telling a natural mom lies in order to get her child. I think that when open adoption agreements are kept all involved parties stand to benefit. You have access to your child's medical background, your child has access to a vital part of who he or she is and the natural mom doesn't have to search faces in the crowd or beat herself up wondering if her child is dead or alive. Of course there are many more benefits to a truly open adoption, how great would it be to grow up with three or four extended families?? All those cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. Geez imagine the tree at Christmas (LOL) and the love felt by the child.

I have been a few great recipes for herbal tonics and teas said to assist in fertility issues. They have proven very helpful for some people I know. If you want to know more just send me an email.

Answer 11

With international adoption, there is still a mother relinquishing her child, even if you're not involved in that process.  Because laws in other countries may not protect children's or parents' rights, you may never know if the decision was really hers.  

If you choose to foster children, YOU can decide what age, gender, how many, etc. you are willing to care for.  You can also choose to exclude specific issues (abuse) that a foster child might have experienced.  Social services provides foster children with any necessary therapy while in your home; speech or other therapy if they have learning disabilities; therapy with YOU, such as attachment therapy to help a child form a healthy bond, etc.   Please check with your department of social services in your state for more information.  

As for boxer shorts, if your husband doesn't like to wear them, you might suggest he go without for a while. : )

Good luck!

PS - Great point about medical records.  Your CHILD will also want these one day!