Question about age VS maturity with my kids?

Question

My husband and I have 4 boys, twins that are 13, an 11 yr old and an 8 yr old. Our 11 yr old is very mature for his age and very responsible. He's a straight A student and just really smart (not that my twins aren't...they are honor roll students). Anyway I am fidning that we have a habit of treating all three of the older boys the same even with the age difference.

For example My older two started doing their own laundry when they were 12 last year. At the time my middle son was 10 and we also had him start doing his. He argued that it wasn't fair that his brothers didn't have to until they were 12. I reminded him that we also allow him privilages earlier than we did them. He was allowed to go ride his bike on the back dead end road at a younger age than they were because of his maturity. My 11 yr old is also the same size as my twins who are small for their age. Even though there are two years age difference, they are all pretty much on the same maturity level.

so my question is, do you base privilages and chores etc, more on age or maturity. Should we wait until the middle child is the same age the twins were before he does things they did at each age or is it okay to make him do the same things they do knowing he can handle it? Once I reminded him that he gets many of the same privilages as they do he backed off but I was just wondering what others tought and if anyone else had this situation because of kids close in age with pretty much level maturity.

Answer 1

Yes and Yes.  Some of the things my oldest is allowed to do are based solely on age.  She has a tv in her room (got it at age 8) and my middle child has to wait until she turns 8 to get one in her room.  They both got their ears pierced at the same time, they both have chores, but they are age appropriate, my oldest gets to stay up later but they both get to go out and ride thier bikes down the street.  Make sure to point out to your 11yr old that he has more privilages than your 8yr old!

Answer 2

I dealt with this as a kid, but I try not to inflict it on my kids, as I hated it very much. If one starts pushing a vacuum at 8, the others will to. The only exception is if there is some physical or mental reason holding them back from such things. I wasn't allowed to go on any non family sleepovers until I was 11 and by the time my younger sister was 7, she was an old pro at spending the weekend over someone else's house. I think you should keep it fair, if you go my maturity, even then only give one year difference so it's not extreme.

Answer 3

The oldest work hard to clear the path and the younger siblings just ride in behind. That's how a lot of older siblings feel, even as adults.

Wow, 4 boys! Your days must be busy. = )

Even though the middle son is mature for his age, you may want to think carefully about the privileges that you give him relative to the older siblings. Perhaps the older siblings wanted the same privileges at the same age you gave them to the younger sibling -- but you said No.

Did they ever have to work hard to convince you to give them privileges you just handed over to the middle child at an earlier age? (Sleep away camp, etc) Maybe you saw with the older boys it wasn't such a big deal, dangerous, etc like you were worried about and you got used to the idea of it with them, so it made it easier to give it to the younger boy. If so, do you think the older boys consider it fair?

Even if the older siblings aren't complaining now, they're taking notice. Boys are so internal. It really is unfair for privileges when you stop to think about it. So to make it fair all around, you should also consider making him do chores at the same age as his brothers did.

What do you tell them, or what is it that they *hear*?

Your younger brother is smarter, more mature, the same size as you two, so he gets the same stuff as you, but just earlier, because he is better and my favorite. I'm sure you don't feel that way, but kids will see things as they do. Also, it's important that being a teen is different from being a p*****n. If you don't treat them like they're older, why should they act older? With a larger age difference, it would be different, less competition between the siblings.

Resentments over things like this can show up when they're adults when they should be depending on one another. I'm guessing you might be feeling uncomfortable about your policy and that's why you're asking?

Good luck!

Interesting reading on siblings -

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/pare...

http://www.bookrags.com/research/sibling...

Answer 4

I find we pretty much do the same with our 8yo & 6yo.  Certainly, when they were little, age & developmental abilities were far enough apart that we couldn't expect the younger to do what the older could do.  But, as they both get older, the differences are less between their abilities.  Also, since they are such good buddies, we find that the younger one strives to keep up with the older.  

In addition, our 8yo is a bit more cautious than our 6yo.  So, right about when he's ready to be independent in something, the 6yo is too, shortly thereafter (and, even sometimes, before the 8yo is ready).

I think you really have to gauge it on each child's ability to comprehend and capability to physically do whatever it is that they are wanting/having to do.  But, with kids close in age, and with family life as busy as it is, sometimes that ability & capability happen in a big confluence for everyone.  

Answer 5

I enjoy my chores around the house, so I don't request my daughter (she's 5) to help me with any of the cleaning, but she loves to help out anyways. She uses the swiffer dusters to dust, glass wipes on the tables and a small vacuum to pick up the fuzz of her bedroom floor.

What I'd love for her to help me with is gardening, but she wants no part of that. (...neither do I!)

Answer 6

Those later-borns sure do grow up faster. Isn't it funny how they want all the same rights as their older sibs, but none of the responsibilities?  I would base my decisions on maturity, unless there is a good reason to wait until a certain age.  You're the best judge of what your kids are ready to do.  Don't hold them back if they are ready to move forward :)