Question about being a step mom?

Question

I don't want to be their mother, or even act like her. I just don't want them to ever feel that they are not part of their dad's new family. I guess I was just wondering if it's wrong for me to want that family closeness.

Answer 1

You have the right attitude, and the kids will benefit more from your open heart than from the ex's bitterness.  You can't force the issue, but just be open and friendly to the kids so a relationship can blossom in the time you have together.  It sounds like she needs to grow up a little.

Answer 2

It's not wrong of you to want your whole family to be close and it's great that you realize your future husbands kids as your family too but until you are legally married you aren't officially their step mother. Try to see it from the ex's point, evidently you and your man have been living together for years, you have a child together, but you aren't married yet. Personally, I wouldn't want my child calling my ex's live-in mom (or step-mom) either. Maybe she's waiting to see if you really get married before she feels more comfortable letting her children bond with you. I wouldn't want my children getting attached to a gf that may not be there next week. When you get married, talk to her and let her know you're in this relationship for the long hall and that includes her children and tell her how you feel about them. She may be relieved to find out that you care about her kids. As for her telling her children that your child together is not their sister, tell her they are legally, genetically, and under God brothers and sisters and tell her you don't appreciate her telling them any different. And when you get married, your child from a past relationship will also be their sibling. I don't believe in telling children they have step brothers or half sisters; the children didn't ask to split amoung relationships and they shouldn't be made to feel like they are seperate from the other children you have together. Just my opinion. Hope everything works out for you all.

Answer 3

I'm with Mummakins 100%! She said everything I was thinking while reading your question! You sound like a very caring stepMOM and her children are lucky to have you! Unfortunately she will probably never realize that... My brother's ex-wife was this way with his new wife as well; they now has a protection order against her and the children have to be brought back and forth by 3party, as ordered by the courts. I hope things don't escalate to that level in your situation. Best of luck!

Answer 4

I don't think you're wrong at all ~ you seem to have a genuine concern that ALL of the children involved are included and feel that they are part of the 'family'.

I think that is a wonderful quality!

I would imagine (from what you have written) that the 'other mother' is feeling challenged in her role as primary caregiver and that she is somehow being replaced by you.  Although I can undertsand her concerns a little I feel that she is being totally unreasonable requesting/demanding that her children cannot even call your children (all of them) siblings.

Hopefully the courts will make the correct ruling on this one and I wish you the best for this.  

I went through a little of this when I married a man with his own daughter (I have three from a 10 year relationship) from both my ex and my new step daughter.  My husband and I have been together for five and a half years now and things have settled down now (thankfully)  

I really sympathise with you so much, you sound like such a caring and sensible woman.  In the end, regardless of what happenes in court you know you have acted in the best interest of all of the children, there will come a time when the children are old enough to make up their own minds about all of this.  Just make sure you are there to support them and not do too many of the 'it was your mother who was wrong' speeches.

Hope this helps a little ~ good luck with court :o)

Answer 5

i know exactly how you fell my fiance has two kids from his first wife and one by me. at first she would never let her kids be around me but they went to court and she has no choice but to let them be around me, . so no you are not wrong they are all brothers and sisters and should be able to be around each other and able to grow up together as a family

Answer 6

you are no doubt in a tuff situation. the most important thing here is not you, the dad, or the bio mom but the kids. you have to make sure you dont talk bad or negatively about their mother to them or around them. it may even help not to talk negatively about her at all.

explain to your all of your children ..bio and step...that you can understand why their mother is being protective of them, because you are a mother too and are very protective of your children. you can explain that the bio mother just doesnt know you well enough to know that you too are a good mother and that it may take some time for the bio mother to get to know you and comfortable with you. then explain that you love them all equally and are happy to be apart of the family no matter what.

look at it from her perspective....it is hard to let her children go to another mother figure. she lost her husband and her family as she knew it. you may have been through the same thing and it may have been a long time since it happened but she is dealing with it differently.

i know she can probably get on your last nerve but try to keep your cool so you can enjoy your own life, not being worried about her all the time

you are not wrong for how you feel, wanting your whole family to be close is a great thing. its just sometimes a complicated thing

Answer 7

It is difficult for the ex to trust that he will keep you around... she doesn't want her kids hurt. There is something to be said about ACTUALLY being a stepmom...not a "baby-daddy fiancee". He may never marry again...are you willing to hang around and feel this way?