Question about marriage..?

Question

i want to know how to get myself to accept the idea of getting married,i want the love-and-having-fun part,but the idea of someone controlling me is scaring me! my father really screwed my idea about men,i can't see myself with someone all of my life,monitoring everything in my life..i get many proposals but i keep postponing them for silly reasons..

any advice?

thanks

Answer 1

first and foremost it is important to recognize that people often go through cycles in their lives and these cycles can be good or bad.  The bad cycles have to be broken in order for a good one start.  I think you are on your way to breaking this bad cycle by firstly recognizing and being honest.  Secondly, you have to be very clear with any potential husband about what you want and do not want, about what your expectations are and what his are in order to see if they are compatible.  Likewise however you cannot think that every man will be the same as your father because that is not true and unfair.  Do not be in any rush to marry anyone just for the sake of marriage.  Get to know him and pray istikhara so you can be comfortable with your choice. I wish you the best dear.

Answer 2

Same with me too, i ended up with the wrong person twice.

Answer 3

people often misunderstand what marriage actually means.

When you become involved with someone and have a long term committment there are things that you have to be ready to accept:

1.  No one is perfect, we all have faults.  Are you ready to accept the other person's perceived faults?

2.  People, just like the world around us, are always changing.  Nothing ever stays the same forever and a lot of that is based on experience and our surrounding.  Can you accept change?

3.  Open & Honest Communication.  This is where a lot of people fall short when it comes to relationships.  You have to be willing to talk calmly and respectfully about all things.  Agree to disagree when the circumstance comes up.

4.  Being married or being in a relationship should never be about control.  The truth is that we can never control another person (unless they allow themselves to be controlled) we are always in control of ourselves, our actions and reactions, it is never someone else's responsibility.

5.  Just because it happens to someone else doesn't mean it's going to happen to you. So if someone you know was in a car accident, would this keep you from ever getting into a car again?

I am sorry to hear about your parents marriage, at the same time perhaps there was something that you could learn from it, some sort of lesson in what it means to you to be in a relationship.  What you will look for in a significant other for example.

For some people marriage is just not their thing.  There are plenty of people who have been in long term relationships without ever being married.  So dont' feel as though this is something you must do.

My fiance and I have been together 7 years, we've lived together for just about as long.  In that time we've learned a lot about each other, we've seen how we've each changed over time, we've grown so much together thru our experience of just being together.  We decided to get married next year more as a way to let everyone we know that we love one another.  I'm glad we waited this long to finally take that step because it's made us each that much more certain of taking the next step in this journey together.

You will find your way.

Best wishes!

EDIT:  it's ok if someone doesn't agree with me but I am simply sharing what it is I have learned and what can help in the relationship world.

Answer 4

If you marry a Muslim you might want to be aware of what you are getting yourself into:

Sura (4:34) - "Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them."

Sura (2:228) - "and the men are a degree above them"

Sura (33:59) - "Tell thy wives and thy daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks close round them..."  Men determine how women dress.

Sura (2:223) - "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will." Wives are to be sexually available to their husbands in all ways at all times.  They serve their husbands at his command.  This verse is believed to refer to anal s*x (see Bukhari 60:51), and was "revealed" when women complained to Muhammad about the practice.  The phrase "when and how you will" means that they lost their case.

Sura (66:5) - "Maybe, his Lord, if he divorce you, will give him in your place wives better than you, submissive, faithful, obedient, penitent, adorers, fasters, widows and virgins"  A disobedient wife can be replaced.



Sura (4:11) - (Inheritance) "The male shall have the equal of the portion of two females" (see also Sura (4:176)).

Sura (2:282) - (Court testimony) "And call to witness, from among your men, two witnesses. And if two men be not found then a man and two women"

Sura (5:6) - "And if ye are unclean, purify yourselves. And if ye are sick or on a journey, or one of you cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it"  Men are to rub dirt on their hands if there is no water to purify them following casual contact with a woman (such as shaking hands).

Sura (24:31) - Women are to lower their gaze around men, so they do not look them in the eye.

Sura (2:223) - "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will..."  A man has dominion over his wives' bodies as he does his land.  This verse is overtly sexual.  There is some dispute as to whether it is referring to the practice of anal intercourse, which it has been used historically to justify.  If this is what Muhammad meant, however, then it would appear to contradict what he said in Muslim (8:3365).

Sura (4:3) - (Wife-to-husband ratio) "Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four"

Sura (53:27) - "Those who believe not in the Hereafter, name the angels with female names."  Angels are sublime beings, and would therefore be male.

Sura (4:24) and Sura (33:52) - A man is permitted to take women as s*x slaves outside of marriage.

Answer 5

That is exactly what I feel about my dad, but I won't be in your situation for a while. But I really do most of the advice everyone else gave.

Good Luck sis!! =)

Answer 6

well not all men are like that, dont think of things like that, inshallah everything will turn out gd for yu nd dont postpone them anymore  =) nacibeek is diff than your parents

Answer 7

Have Trust in Allah(SWT)

Answer 8

your marrage might turn out different than yoour parents' marriage cuz hey if you choose a guy who will let you do what you think is good for you and will treat you like a woman then sure. but not all guys are bad.

some guys are caring and will let a woman stay home if she wants and wont torture her .

som will beat the c**p out of the woman then divorse

if you find the guy you want then its great. just m,ae sure the man will make you happy.

seriously im too young for marriages but i know this cuz of what my dad tells me.

Answer 9

Don't marry until you are ready, which may be never, and that's ok too.  God did not create everyone for marriage.  Also, there is no reason that your husband should or could control everything you do in marriage.  Your parents' bad example has colored your perceptions negatively.

Answer 10

Maybe you should try seeking some professional counseling first. That way you might avoid getting into relationships with the wrong kind of people. Not everyone is controlling, but if you continually get involved with that kind of person than you are setting yourself up for failure.

Answer 11

marriage is not about control, its about team work for achieving greater goals by both partners.

you are a different person than you parents, your marriage success or failure is up to you and only you.

Answer 12

You probably feel this way because you have yet to meet your Mr Right. I was a lot like you until I met my husband and as our relationship progressed I knew we would be together forever. We have been married for almost 10 years now with out a single serious argument. When you find the one you are meant to be with you will not be able to imagine life with out him and will want to share willingly everything with him. Best of luck to you.

Answer 13

i think you should pray the Istihkarah, then there is the engagement period, your allowed to know your future husband in more details, then the choice is yours, and be aware that life is short:

"A spinster is a girl who used the word NO a lot"

may Allah (swt) bless you and grant you a beautiful, peaceful life.

Answer 14

First of all, you need to stop worrying about getting married, and have faith in Allah to give you a loving and caring husband when the time is right. Its understandable that your fear arises from the bad relationship of your parents marriage, but you need to realise that every marriage is different and unique and not all marriages will end up like your parents. Most marriages fail because of BOTH partners having some sort of issues.

Answer 15

its not necessery that what would happen with your parents its happen with you , its a half true that men are changed after some time off their marriage but  all men are not like that kind of.

Just all metter leaves on God and Pray2 God for your good and bright future with your husband and married soon May you have a nice , loving and caring Husband forever aamin best of luck and married soon  its not better for a girl or women to not married

Answer 16

Sorry to hear about your parents marriage, and I can understand how this can put you off, but you should also look at the many people who are 'happily married' and also the benefits of marriage/married life.

Marriage will be what you make of it, but it is foolish to fear something you cannot avoid, such as fate. Life can be planned, but not predicted. That's like someone not wanting to drive, or get in a car, as everyday (in the UK) 11 people die on the roads of England.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person

EDIT: Also, remember there's no such thing as 'Mr right' or the 'Perfect partner' if all were looking for the perfect partner, we'd remain bachelors or single for the rest of our lives. Just like life, a married life will also have its ups an downs, but that's where the word 'compromise' comes in. Stay true to yourself, and true to your deen (religion) and you can't go wrong. Having said all this, marriage is not a must, nor is it obligatory, or farz, if you're such a pessimist, then don't get married.

EDIT: All girls who are saying 'men are indecent etc' you're no doubt speaking from experience. Just because you've been treated like s**t in your pre-marital relationships, doesn't mean to say it will be the same when you're married. Come on, what do you expect from these illicit pre-marital relationships? No (Muslim) man will ever have intimate respect for a girl whom he dates.

Answer 17

You can read about being a muslim wife.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/search/wife/A...

How to  spend your time

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/3619/wife

The wife has no right to object to her husband owning female slaves or to his having intercourse with them.

And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php...

*~@):~{>

http://www.topix.com/forum/religion/isla...

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/7577/wife

The wife’s family want to do forbidden things during the wedding party

I'm getting married soon and my future wife and her family want an expensive wedding with haram stuff such as music, mixing of the sexes etc. What should I do? Should I call the wedding off and marry someone else?

Answer 18

Sorry I don't think that I can help you because I am not sure if I want to get married myself because the idea of living with the same man your entire life just scares me. LoL...no I am being very honest! All I can tell you is wait for the right time and don't worry it might work out better than how it worked out with your mother.

Bless:)