Question about my mother.. please help

Question

Hi all

I'm having a bit of a delema at the moment. My Psychatrist and my counseller have told me to stay away from my mum at the moment as she is in denial about my sexual abuse.

She constantly is trying to convince me this never happened to me but always bringing it up.

3 Days ago I met up with her and she spend over and hour trying to convince me it was an old boyfriend (I was 16) who did these sick things to me, and that the person who I said did it to me at 11 couldn't of even molested me.

I just got off the phone with her not long ago, and I told her that we need to stop talking about it with each other and only talk to my counseller. She then went on to ask if I told my counseller what she said to me the other night, and I told her I did and that my counseller still thinks I was sexually abused at 11, she then went on to say that she disagres and thinks different, that it was this old boyfriend.

The problem is that my mum partner has organized a birthday for mum, just me, my husband, my gran, mum and her husband. None of them other than my husband believe I was molested.

I want to go, but my counseller. psychatrist and my husband think its a bad idea because mum keeps bring up the sexual abuse and trying to convince me it never happened.

I don't think she will bring it up at the lunch, but everyone else does.

What do you think, should I go.

I always have outbreaks after seeing her, well so my husband and counseller says.

Answer 1

i really do not think you should go let your mother see that you are tired of her bringing this stuff up.i would try not to talk to your mother for a while let her do some thinking and come to reality that you did get molested by someone.

Answer 2

I really don't think you should go. If your family can't believe you about something that personal, then they shouldn't deserve you. Family isn't everything. I've learned that.  

Answer 3

As a counselor, I have experience in working on abuse and family issues.  You need to do what is healthy and safe for you.  Don't feel obligated to go.  If you know how everyone is and choose to go, then be prepared to have to discuss the issue and defend yourself.  And if you are going to do that, you must have a healthy way of taking care of yourself after this, a healthy way to vent.  Consider what level of connection to your family is healthy for you, especially in light of the fact that they do believe you and may bring it up to try to convince you otherwise.  Don't be in denial of the reality of the situation, even if they are your family.  Even with family, you have to mindful of who you deal with and how you deal with them, for your own sanity.  It is ok if you are not around people who are supportive of you.  It is ok if you choose to go.  You are in control here and it is your choice.  Do what is healthy for you.

Answer 4

Your counsellor is absolutely right. Your mother's insistence on trying to convince you that that your memories are wrong or otherwise trying to invalidate you counts as abuse. If talking to your mom upsets you so much its better not to talk to her about it. It wil simply interfere with your therapy.

Answer 5

To be honest, for your own sake i really think it would be better if you gave it a miss. It sounds like your mum is trying to convince you of these things to possibly ease her own conscience as she would feel better believing it was your boyfriend who brought about these problems rather than somebody else and it doesn't look like she will stop these claims until she's under the impression that you believe this too. She's trying to convince you of something that you know is utterly false and really until she stops that i think it's probably best to stay from her if she's going to carry on making the claims. But because you obviously don't want to cut your ties with her and it's her birthday and everything maybe you should just ring up on the day to wish her happy birthday and then meet up with your other relatives if that's how you feel on a different occasion - without your mum being there. Good luck with the therapy - i hope it all works out