Question for Adoptees? I have asked guestions regarding adoption and the responses I have received seem angry?

Question

Why is there so much anger? Maybe I am naive , but is it not better to have been placed up for adoption if the birth family could not take care of you? Also, were you told as a child or did your adoptive parents wait until you were a teenager and tell you? If they did not tell you at an early age , do you think that is the reason for the anger? Do you think had they been honest it would have been easier for you to deal with? Any answers appreciated

Answer 1

Read the answers here, that should answer your question some.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Read Betty Jean Lifton's 'Journey of the Adopted Self'.

Here are some things that would help your little adoptee less angry:

-Insist on an open adoption.

-Keep his surname as his/her middle name

-Acknowledge his losses.

-Allow him to keep pictures of his family.

-Do not give him the name of a member of your family.  e.g. your father's name is David, so you name him this.  He is not of your 'tree', please don't make him act as if he is.

-Enjoy the pleasure of his company while he is with you.  He does have another family--he does not belong exclusively to you.  

-If he is having emotional problems-get him therapy with a therapist who understands adopted children or deals with PTSD.  Don't think it 'doesn't have to do with' adoption--it does.

-Celebrate his differences.  This child will come from a different gene pool.  Do not expect him to like baseball just because your husband does.  He might like to paint instead, please honor this.

-NEVER let people tell him he is LUCKY or should be 'grateful'.  Remind them that YOU are the one who is lucky.  After all YOU wanted a child, he didn't ask to be adopted.

Maybe others can add more.  If my parents had done/or not done these things I'd have been a lot happier.  But in 1964, 'telling' an adopted child was thought to be enough.  It's no where near enough now.

If any of the above make you feel strange, and you are not comfortable with them--do not adopt.  It's not fair to the child.  Think of an adopted child as coming with permadent in-laws.

All adopted children have 2 sets of parents.

Answer 2

my husband was adopted at the age of 7 months. He was told from day one that he was adopted which means he was chosen. After he was adopted his mother had to biological children and he was always the chosen one. He loves his parents and has no hard feelings at all. He does want to find his birth mother because of medical history for our 4 children but other than that nothing.

Answer 3

I honestly don't know. I was adopted as an infant and knew from the start (I am a different race than my adopted parents). I think a lot of it is feeling abandoned if you do not know under what circumstances you were given up under. I know nothing of my birth family but figure if they wanted to give me a better life they were right to do so and if they simply did not want me, I did not want to be where I was not wanted.

Answer 4

I always knew I was adopted.  I'm glad I was told early on.  I had a grea adoption and I can't imagine loving any other people as deeply as I love my a'parents.   But I still grew up feeling confused, different, and absolutely alone even among those who love me most--not necessarily angry.

I've been told searching for my first parents makes me pathological.  I've also been told that if I don't find and form a close personal relationship with my first parents, I'm pathological.  I've been told I was unwanted, and lucky, and illegitimate, and an angel sent from heaven.  I've been told I'm exactly the same as/just as good as everyone else, and that I am some kind of second class citizen who can't see my own birth certificate.  As a kid I was both teased and praised (as if it were a choice I made!) about having been adopted.  I've been told I'm a valuable commodity and I've been told by people who know nothing about me or my situation that my mother was a w***e.

The reason for my anger is not anything my a'parents or first parents did or did not do.  It's the system.  It's living in a society that does not accept my truth because it's too busy making big money off the fees that now attend private adoptions.  It's being told that adoption doesn't matter and that my feelings are wrong.

Think about it.  What if something had happened to you when you were tiny that charted the course of your entire life?  Now imagine that when you want to talk about it, you're told by well-meaning people who have no experience with your trauma that it didn't matter, that you need to shut up and never have any help or validation so that people can guiltlessly keep inflicting the same trauma on others.  Your pain doesn't matter, your human curiosity doesn't matter, the fact that you don't know your own medical history and have spent your life filling in medical forms with UNKNOWN doesn't matter.  Wouldn't you be angry?

I don't think adoption has to be traumatic.  But I think it will be as long as nobody wants to do anything but tell pretty happy stories about how one hundred per cent great it is--as long as nobody wants to stop the cash flow--and as long as nobody wants to know how it affects first parents and adoptees.

Thank you for asking this.

Answer 5

Anger - hmmmmmmm - that has been asked so many times in here - please go back and read through resolved questions.

Also read adoptee blogs - and try to understand how being adopted effects adoptees. You will never truly understand what it feels like - but if you have a compassionate heart - you will come to understand the losses that adoptees feel for the family they were taken from.

Even if it is in the child's best interest - all children have a deep need to want to stay with the family they were born to - and it takes a lot a care, love and patience to help that child heal from that loss. (I don't think they'll ever 'get over it' - but as with losing someone to death - they will come to a place of peace with it all)

Would you tell a family member to 'get over' losing someone to death?????

Never tell an adoptee to 'get over' their adoption loss.

The adoptees that I know - and I know well over 100 - that are the most at peace with being an adoptee - are those that have been told the truth from day 1, had adoptive parents that never spoke badly about their first family, had adoptive parents that allowed them to talk openly about their own adoption & that allowed them to search out and find their family of origin.

In this day and age - 'open adoptions' can be put into place - and these have a much better psychological effect on the child - as they will always know both their families openly.

Adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 6

It seems I am always answering this question...

Adoption comes from loss.  The child has lost their mother, the woman who gave him/her life.  Loss causes grief.  Grief can cause anger.

But what really causes anger, for me, is that I keep having to explain to people that adoption comes from loss.  If I were an orphan, and people kept wondering why I was upset about it, would anyone question my anger?  How is this different?  

While some adoptees were abused (or neglected or otherwise mistreated) by their adoptive parents, most adoptees don't feel anger towards their adoptive parents.  They are hurting over a loss that happened when they were too young to understand what was going on, but not too young to be affected by it.

Another analogy...  If I were on here talking about the horrors of chemotherapy, no one would question me.  No one would think I wasn't suffering, that I was doing it to myself.  Chemotherapy is difficult, and sometimes worse than the disease it's supposed to cure.  Maybe adoption is necessary at times, but that doesn't make it good and wonderful, any more than chemotherapy is good and wonderful.

If you really want to understand why adoptees are hurting, let me suggest a reading list:

"Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

"The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

I'm sure other people can suggest more.

Edited to Add:  Oh yeah...  And I'm a little peeved by the people who give me thumbs down for sharing my story.  But I'll get over that.  I know some people just can't handle the truth.

Answer 7

why do you ask?

It doesn't seem hard to figure out to me,( I do not mean this rudely, just really curious)

eta:  Okay, I don't think there is ANYTHING that my adoptive parents could have done to make my life easier, it sucks being given away by your own mom, and then it sucks having to pretend your whole life.

Answer 8

To answer your question, I reviewed your questions and it's obvious to me why you're getting angry responses. The last thing you ask is a self-centered question which demonstrates no understanding or compassion for an expecting mother and her baby. You seem only concerned with yourself and getting your hands on a newborn. As of only 6 months ago you were still trying to concieve. In fact you've asked a multitude of questions in that subject but just a hand full in the adoption catagory. You've asked such gems as how can I get a nearly free adoption, and can the grandparents stop an adoption - (grandma doesn't want to lose this baby from the family.) You admit the parents of this baby are relinquishing because at age 18 and 20 they don't feel as they can afford their child.

You percieve anger because you do seem naive about adoption issues and losses in general. Yet this appears to be the first question you've remotely begun to consider some other truth, although you still turn it back on us to further inquire what causes our anger.

It seems as though you simply have "baby greed" - a desire to stop the aching saddness at your inability to grow a child in your womb, and to staunch the crying and grief you feel on Mother's Day each year.

Selfishness and entittlement tend to be salt in old wounds. Have you taken another's poster's advice to read through old threads?

Have you ever seen how an upset crying baby will often stop crying when handed back to the arms of his/her mother? When "your" baby comes home s/he is going to be crying desperatly for his/her mother. No amount of paperwork will make you seem like the right person. You won't be. There will be lots of crying grief. Are you prepared for that? How are you going to help that grieving baby cope with the loss of his mother?

You sense anger because your questions reveal how unprepared you are to be an adoptive mom, and we pity the child and family that is about to be separated. Instead you are in polyanna mode where you are eager to meet your own needs.

I hope you appreciate this answer. I imagine it is difficult to hear, and EASY to dismiss this perspective. I hope this info might help you understand what you are about to get into. I'd guess you to be a prime canidate for post-adoption-depression because I think you are unprepared.

Answer 9

i am adopted and do not come to this section much because of what you are saying, i have 5 adopted siblings we always knew and felt more special and more loved because of it, we are all grateful for adoption our parents and each other, i have seen adoptees on here with such rage, i do not know where that comes from it it so sad, but don't worry it is not the norm, but i feel strongly a child should always know, i was the youngest so i grew up with my siblings remembering the day they picked me up, there was always a joke about how my parents bought 5 and got me free, back then they did it by taxes and my 2 eldest brothers were fosters for one year and then adopted my parents were done and the agency had an emergency and called and asked if they would take a baby in need of a home, they did on a Sunday, no diapers, no food, no such thing as 7/11 back then so they bought 5 and got me free and i slept in a draw for a week LOL, my siblings are like no other and the same with my parents we have a sense of humor about everything , like when people say oh that's your brother i should have known you look just alike , we do not LOL the only thing we do not like is when people refer to our biological parents as our real parents, they are not our real parents are mom and dad, they raised us, they have earned the title, and god help the person who tries to say my siblings our not real siblings, they are the best, good luck to you

Answer 10

Anger stems from loss.  I lost my identity.  I lost my heritage. I lost contact with a father who fought for me.  I had great parents.  They support my search.  I don't have access to a document that accurately records my birth and proves that I am an American citizen.  My amended birth certificate is not complete.  I was told at a young age.

It ticks me off to be told that I should shut and be grateful. It ticks me when people tell me that I am lucky that I was not aborted.  It ticks me off that people tell me that I should be grateful someone took me in.  I am angry at being treated incompetently because I am adopted.  If I am competent enough to fight for my country, competent enough to deliver mail for my country, to raise my own daughters, to take payments for a major communications company, to pay taxes, to take care of horses, cattle, cats, dogs and wildlife, why am I not competent to see the very document that accurately records my birth?  

I get sick and tired of answering this question.  My adoptive mother gets offended at this type of question as well.  It makes me angry to constantly explain this to everyone.

I have known many a natural mother who would have been good parents but weren't allowed an opportunity to raise their own children.  I am not against adoption but am against adoption that doesn't give all people living adoption their rights.

Answer 11

Okay, I'm confused. Why do you feel that adoptees shouldn't be angry? Not all adoptions are rosy and prefect. My adoption experince was wonderful. But others were not. So, maybe they are a little angry. I have wondered about my birth family, but i never wanted to live with them. I was curious about my heritage and why my mom gave me up. I'm angry at the fact that my birth siblings had to live in a crappy home. Does that make me a bad person? No! I'm not telling others on how they should feel about their adoption experince and you shouldn't either. Everyone in entitled to have their story told. If you don't like what they have to say. Ignore it, i have learnt to do that if people post mean things.

edit-- I had some time to think about your question and I'm w/ Phil. it always seems that us adoptees have to justify to otheres why we have certain feelings. I think it's knda of insulting. I mean there are some who are angry because of the situations surrounding their adoption. and there are some that aren't angry. It's just that people have different feelings and are entitled to them.

Answer 12

i dont know why there is so much anger about adoptions...i just know my own story and i dont think it would have turned out much better had i been left with my birth family..i knew the entire time i was growing up i was adopted..i always knew i didnt belong..my name was changed but yet i knew my birth name..my adopted family didnt tell the truth about my birth mother and i had alot of anger over the entire situation..she died when i was four..i didnt find out till i was 16..and then told she was a s**t..i dont understand why they hated her so much because without her they wouldnt have had me...they tried to make me hate her by what they said and it only made me want to know that much more..i did find out most things this year..but it shouldnt have had to be when i was 36..it should have been a right when i turned 18...

Answer 13

I think the best thing you can do is to get as much information as possible about the child and their background including information as to why the child is being placed for adoption.

I would take extra efforts to make certain that the child you adopt does not "feel adopted" but feels like a true member of your family.  

I would make certain that you are open to any and all questions the child may have for you.  Be prepared for the confusion, grief and anger that the child may present.  Please remember that the child is not angry with you and needs to be dealt with gently.  Go out of your way to make certain the child does not feel there is something wrong with them and that they don't feel that was the reason they were placed for adoption. (Example:  I was told as a very small child - by a mean relative - that my father didn't want me because I wasn't a boy.  Did I ever hate myself as a child!)  Come to find out that wasn't the reason he left and it had nothing to do with me.

You are very brave to do this and I commend you for the tremendous love, courage and strength this takes to carry this through successfully.

You will be in my prayers and I hope this procedure goes smoothly.

Hugs.

Answer 14

it certainly depends on how did the adaptive parents brought you

Answer 15

This question has been asked and answered....and asked and answered.  It makes me wonder if the answers are not being believed?!

I was told I was adopted from infancy.  However, I did not understand what it meant when I was very little.  Finally, one day when I was six years old, I asked my mom, "Tell me again what adoption means".  And she did.  And my world came crashing down around me.

I remember every detail of that moment.  I remember that my mom was doing laundry and I was sitting on the floor leaning against the wall.  I got really quiet, and felt myself get pale and lightheaded.  My mom was distracted with what she was doing and didn't really notice my reaction.

A few days later, I found myself sobbing, but when my family asked me what was wrong, I couldn't explain why I was crying.  I got very depressed after that.  All I could see were the differences between me and my family.  I felt completely out of place, I knew that they all belonged to each other, but I didn't...that I had family somewhere else that I didn't' know, that I couldn't know.  Again, I was only six years old.  It felt horrible.  I was depressed and devastated.    Was I angry?  Maybe, I don't remember anger particularly.  

What makes me angry or rather frustrated now, is that non-adopted persons do not validate or seem to believe that I might have felt like this, or that others who are adopted might have feeling similar to this.  

You ask whether it is not better to have been given to a family that could care for me as opposed to being left with a family that couldn't care for me.  This is the WRONG question.  It is entirely beside the point.  This is a question that requires a logical thought process and therefore only an adult can answer.  The problem with this is that ADULTS aren't adopted, BABIES AND CHILDREN are adopted.   Babies and children cannot rationalize why they may have been given away by their birth mothers.  It didn't make any sense to me as a child, and was therefore, completely devastating...can you understand that?  Can you understand the depth of my pain and confusion as a young child of six?  Probably not...only someone else who has felt it can understand it, I think.

Was there anything my parents could have done?  Probably not a lot.  The best thing an adoptive parent can do is to educate themselves, a couple of excellent books have been suggested several times.  In addition to this, adoptive parents can make an effort to not judge those feelings the adoptee has, to validate over and over again those feeling and to not take it personally.  And BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE REAL.

Answer 16

I was told at age 10. I felt no anger or resentment. I believe that this is because I was brought up as if I was their own. When I was 56 I learnt that I had a younger brother and we're now the best of friends.

It turns out there were several other half-siblings from my birth mother; some of them wanted no contact, so I can only assume different people are affected in different ways.

Answer 17

It is absurd to think that every adoptee on every forum is going to be filled with stories of rainbows, ponies and unicorns.

As in all things, there is a range to how adoptees react.

Some are angry because they have been denied basic civil rights.

Some are sad that their biological parents relinquished/placed/abandoned them.

Some are angry about constantly being told to be grateful for the wonderful lives they were given that maybe weren't so wonderful.

And some of them are tired of being judged by those who have adopted or are looking to adopt who only want to hear the bright side of adoption.

There are both losses and gains in adoption.  The most important gain is that a family gets to raise a child they wouldn't otherwise.  The most crucial loss is that a child will grow up without knowing the people who brought him/her into the world.

I wish I could tell you that there was only brightness and light in adoption but that is simply not reality.

There are positives and negatives just as in all of life.