Question for Adoptees?

Question

My daughter is from a step-parent adoption. She doesn't know her biological dad. I have kept all her court documents and original birth certificate for her and I am thinking about putting it all together into a scrap book to give her when she's a teenager and starts asking more questions. She knows now that she was adopted, but she's too young to really understand too much about it.

I was wondering if this was a good idea, in your opinion, and what else I can do to help it be easier for her as she grows up?

Answer 1

It's a fantastic idea and what a loving wonderful thing for you to do for your daughter.  Never underestimate what a young person can understand - I'd say don't wait until she's a teenager around age 7 is when I really needed this kind of truth

I so wish this had been done for all adoptees - knowing the whole truth is better than spending a lifetime of wondering . . .

Good Luck!

thinkin2 I'm so sorry your adoptive parents got mad at you for wanting to know your roots - this should never have happened to you

Answer 2

I am 26....i have always had questions about my birth parents but my adoptive parents never gave me any information on them, when i started looking they got really mad.....i think it is an excellent idea that you have kept all the originals and that you are thinkling of doing this for her ....make a scrapbook with copies of everything and keep the originals for her later on ......by the way i did find my biological dad, and we see eachother when we can, but like i told my adoptive parents they were the ones there for me when i was sick and when the first guy broke my heart...no matter what i will always love them

Answer 3

Yes, it is a great idea.  

I was adopted, and my adoptive mother never kept anything from me (or my brother or sister - we are all adopted from different birth families) and I am comfortable talking to her about it.  

I wish I had more info regarding my birth family, but that isn't my AM's fault - it was a closed adoption, but Mom does everything she can think of to get more information.  

I think it is a great idea - keep open about the situation, and let her have the scrapbook when she is old enough to really care for it.

Answer 4

You can save all the info and when she ask then give it too her.

Answer 5

I am adopted by my step mother.  Yes. Yes, yes, yes.  Knowledge is power and it is hers to have in understanding herself and what shapes her into the person she will become.  I have wonderful mother (step) who is a psychologist (so I've had a lot told to me as to what I was reacting to and she has been an amazing step parent, though she is more to me my mother than my biological will ever be).  Even with her constant support, I still have my moments time to time and still yearn to know more.   It seems I always will, though I would never trade my time with her for my biological mother.

Contact may or may not be the best solution in the future.  Support and being treated as her own (or in your daughter's case his own) was the greatest gift she gave me.  And the ability to visit my biological mother should I choose it. I am 20 now and began asking more when I was around 8-10.  I did remembered her though.  I began to wonder which bits of me where from her when I hit about 13.  Just a rough time frame though.

The BIGGEST thing I would have your significant other (her step father) CONTINUELY reiterate (and you as well) is that she is wanted and loved and that whatever choice her biological father made, it wasn't because she had done something wrong or was unwanted, as he doesn't know her (at least at the time you'd have this discussion). (I know this seems obvious but the words mean the world).  Whether she grows up with fantastic parents (as you sound like one), abandonment and feeling misplaced may and most likely will occur, just hopefully at a lesser degree.  I wish you the best, and please ask if you are curious on anything else.

Answer 6

Although I am not adopted; I did write a report on the subject in college. While interviewing different adopted people, the ones that had the most problems where the ones that didn't know that they where adopted until later in life or they found out accidentally.

I think that it is a great idea to save all of her information and present it to her when she is old enough to understand.

Answer 7

Don't wait till she's a teen to tell her. I'd start about 7. I'd also get a few therapist opinions. I'm am a birth mom who placed baby for adoption.

Answer 8

I think it's a great idea.   Our daughter is only 4 but she knows she's adopted.  She doesn't understand all that means, only that the mommy and daddy that gave birth to her couldn't take care of her so we became her mommy and daddy.

I'll explain more when she's a bit older. I'm sure she'll have a million questions and I plan on answering them the best I can.  I'm saving her original birth certificate and all the court documents for her, too.  I hadn't thought about making a scrapbook out of them, but you really got me thinking about it now!

Answer 9

I am adopted and would have loved something like this. I don't know about all adoptees, but I feel a void. I think it is from not knowing where I come from. Sure the agency gave me a round about info on my birth parents, but to have names and possible pictures would make it so much better. If you have any pictures of him, or remember anything about his family, please put that in there as well. I commend you for looking out for your daughter. She will thank you for this.

Answer 10

I think it is very important for your daughter to understand that she is adopted.  Start telling her the story now, this gives you years to practice telling and polishing your story.  Be careful of language that implies "as good as."  Say:  I love you because you are the greatest kid I know.  Not:  I love you as if you were my own.  Since you are the parent, I think it is your responsibility to occasionally bring up the subject of her adoption, thereby opening the door for any questions/curiosities that she might have.  I'd say once a year or so, on an UNimportant date, would be good timing.  You might even read a few books to familiarize yourself with the age-related concerns that she might have, get ideas of what topics you might bring up as you talk over the years, and maybe even find some good ways to put your own thoughts into words.

I think the documents that you're planning to scrapbook are HERS.  Definitely keep them safe, but maybe you should leave them for her to put together in a scrapbook someday...maybe you can do this together in a few or many years from now.  

Expect her to test you (even bio-kids do this).  I said some rather mean things to my mom, so I always appreciated the fact that she stood her ground and told me that she loved me no matter what.  Expect her to throw red herrings out once in a while...mainly just to see how you react to them.  If you're calm and accepting, she will be too.  

Although her adoption is now a part of her personal history, let it be background noise.  In my opinion, too much of a focus on the biological parent might confuse or scare her young mind (maybe she might get whisked away by that parent, maybe you too will decide to give her away, etc.)  The thing you should focus on is she is here with you now and will be until the end of time.  Celebrate that.

Answer 11

Great idea and thanks for brining it up here.  I looked at Marshas link and i will keep that for when I need it.

Answer 12

the one things that i think really helped me was that my parents never kept it from me. i grew up always knowing that i was adopted and that they were not my birth parents. there are books made for children to help them understand adoption. whatever you do, always be open and honest with her. the sooner you tell her, the better.

Answer 13

There is a great article on IAA (www.informedadoptions.com) about using original documents in lifebooks/scrapbooks here http://www.informedadoptions.com/index.p...

My advice is to put all the documents up somewhere safe, and give her copies and let her know her whole story and all her info as soon as you can. I wouldn't wait until she's a teen to tell her the info. You don't have to give her the originals until she's old enough to really take care of them, but definitely give her all the info. Just work it into the conversations casually whenever you can.

Answer 14

This is a wonderful idea and will show your daughter how much you care about her and respect where she came from and how she came into your life.  It wasn't a big deal for me while I was young or even in high school and college but the older I get reality sets in and I appreciate the the knowledge that I now have and the choice that my parents chose to share that knowedge with me.  

We are a mixture of many things as well grow up and biology does play a part.  I wish many more adoptive parents felt as you do.

Answer 15

im adopted and im thankful to my adoptive parents for telling from a very young age,they kept telling about it until i understood.

Its better for your daughter to understand what is going on as soon as she can.

I think what you have done with her documents is a good idea as she will then have the proof of what you are telling her,

all you can do is too just keep explaining things to her and one day she will say "mummy i understand".

Answer 16

I found out I was adopted only recently, and I'm 57!  

Make copies to give to several close friends, in case something happens to you.  You don't want her to not be able to find out just because you're not around.

You don't have to wait until she's an adult.  Explain it to her now, but keep the papers safe.

Trust me, if she finds out by accident and YOU didn't tell her, she will NOT be happy!

Hugs...