Question for Birth Mothers?

Question

Recently we had a lunch with my son's birthmother. The lunch included his half-brother who lives with another family but is not adopted as of yet. While at the meeting the birth mother had little to do with my son. When she asked her oldest son "Paul" to take pictures with her my son spoke up and said "I'll take pictures with you too". My heart broke, he just wanted some attention but she would not give it too him. Personally I think since she realized he has been our son since he was a baby that maybe she feels he has a home and that her oldest son is in limbo, I don't know, I am like grasping at answers to her behavior. I just don't understand why she doesn't want contact when we have offered. We were on vacation, 20 + hours away from home, on vacation to set up a lunch meeting and she gave him very little. All I can think is that it has to be hard, it is a family adoption and the kids were in state custody. Are there some birth mothers who maybe just do not want contact?

Answer 1

Firstly,as a birthmother I would like nothing more than contact of any kind with the daughter I relinquished but I am also an adoptee who would love the same with my natural mother.I am sorry to say that neither of them want any contact with me and so I just have to abide with both of their wishes.Some mothers probably don't feel comfortable with the child they gave up and that child's adoptive parents,for various reasons,but personally I would like nothing better.

Answer 2

I can't really say why it is she is acting that way.  Perhaps it is that she doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable by showing him too much affection.  I sometimes feel that way with my son when I visit him with his adoptive parents.  I am sure that feeling is completely unfounded, but I still want to assure them of their status as parents.   Or she doesn't think he wants it (although it looks like he does.) Or she is having a hard time emotionally.

Whatever the reason is, I think you should communicate with her.  That is the solution to all problems.  Tell her how your son feels, how you feel, and ask her what she wants out of your relationship.  Assure her that you want her to be a part of your son's life.

Once again, every birth mother is different.  But I am sure that, if not now, later on she will appreciate your graciousness in allowing her a connection with her son.  I know it is harder to not have that contact in the long run.  It isn't healthy.  Its called denial.  

Anyway, I think you sound like a great adoptive mom/mother, I hope everything works out well.  :)

Answer 3

I can not say I understand what you are going through but I can imagine and it breaks my heart!! You are a special person and your son is so lucky to have a mom as special as you. All you can do is to continue to reassure your son of your love for him and be there to comfort him when she lets him down next time.

Answer 4

I was in an "open" adoption and I felt like I had to act like she was just another kid. Her mother was not comfortable with me, she felt threatened.

Would it be possible to let the first mom spend time alone with the kids? Without being watched? She could be much more natural then. It could only benefit the child.

Thanks for trying and caring.

Answer 5

Dear Renee,

I think you are doing a wonderful thing in keeping your son's ties to his first family. My heart hurts for your boy as I'm sure the situation had to be hard for him.

The only explaination I can offer is that she may be having a hard time. I wonder if people really know how hard it is to hear your child call someone else "Mommy", to watch another person in the role that was once yours, reveive the hugs and kisses that would have been meant for you or tosee your child walk out the door holding someone else's hand.

Perhaps she has less reservation with her older child because their bond and bounderies less "questionable" to her. She may be afraid of crossing all those invisible barriers and upsetting you. I am sure she is acutely aware of what the "penalty" can be for first parents in "open" situations when we "interfere". I am not implying that you would do that, but I promise it is a paralyzing phobia for many of us.

Your son's first mom might feel that her bond with her older child is stronger (I am assuming that she had him for sometime before the children were removed) and she might simply have been more comfortable in her place with him because it is more familiar.

I also submit that it is very hard to be attentive to two children, both of whom you love and miss, in a limited amount of time in a strange enviornment with a bunch of people watching, analyzing and judging your every move, word and action.

I hope you will give her the benefit of the doubt as to her reasons for seeming distant towards your son. It may very well be that her defense mechanisims were in high gear or that she was in extreme pain over your son in particular since he is already "no longer" her son.

I agree whole-heartedly, however that it is not a good situation for your son if it is upsetting him or hurting him in any way. I hope that you will take the time to talk candidly with your son's first mom and ask her how she feels. Explain the effect it is having on her/your son and see if the two of you can't work something out. If she is not able to cope with the situation, PLEASE, keep things open-ended and give her a little time to pull her emotional armor on so she and interact positively with your son. Perhaps suggest that next time you are together that she have a private time with your/her son so they can both relax and communicate without so much pressure.

You know that I would never suggest that your son should have to hurt more than necessary (all adoptions hurt a little). If this is something that you feel is a serious problem and you and his first mother cannot find an amicable solution within a reasonable amount of time, by ALL means do what you feel is best to protect your son. After all, HE is the most important  person in the whole equation.

I really hope this helps and that things work out well for everyone - especially the children. Pease let me know if I can help at all. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

**Sorry, my spell-check is not working!**

Answer 6

I am not a birth mother but I would like to add my thoughts....

Maybe she is trying to keep a distance "in case" you decide to not let her see him again. I am not saying you would, just maybe that is how she is thinking. So, maybe if you try to keep the lines of communication open she will realize you are not going to shut her out of his life.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

Who knows what the birth mother was thinking? I wouldn't judge her, its not your place. You have a right to feelings and opinions but make sure you keep them away from your a-son otherwise your the one that will be hurting him.

Maybe she didn't want to overstep the boundaries "she" felt you setup. I wouldn't "grasp" because your not her therapist and she hasn't obviously opened up to you about it.

Maybe she hasn't begun to address her feelings and emotions and she has chosen to just not feel. Its sad and if anything I would focus on helping her son and keep the lines of communication open until she's ready to deal with the loss of her child, for the emotional well being of your a-son. Good luck, I know its tough.

Answer 8

Just as a human being, I can think of many possible scenarios that would cause her to behave like this.

If it had been a long time since she had last seen him, perhaps she wanted to keep the pressure off so they could get to know each other again. It sounds like she had more time being Mom to her older boy, so felt a bit more comfortable in that relationship.

Perhaps she feels ashamed, or perceives she didn't do right by him during whatever crisis or circumstances led to the kids removal, and doesn't know how to cope with those feelings in herself, let alone how to address a relationship with him.

Perhaps she felt uncomfortable to show too much attention or affection around you, fearing you would resent it...it sounds as if the older child's foster family was not there so she wouldn't have felt examined or watched.

Not to say any of these are her reasons, just that there are many possibilities, and only she can answer your questions.

We all do the wrong thing, or fail to meet others expectations, or have different expectations, or experience misunderstandings, or feel self conscious, or put our feet in our mouths, or whatever from time to time, and have to talk those things out to maintain healthy relationships. She may welcome a heart to heart discussion with you, so you all can move forward in a healthy way and enrich you all.

Answer 9

I am a birthmother and I had one son I had contact with and the other whom I dont. Some times its harder to have contact and some times its harder not to. Its hard all around to be a birthparent. It sounds like she might be distancing herself so she doesnt get hurt any more than she already is and so that maybe the child doesnt get too attached. Some people think giving a child up for adoption means you give them up and walk away and never see them again. It all really depends on the birthparent and how they feel. She might also have been unsure what exactly was ok with you too.

Answer 10

Sometimes it's easier on the emotions to not pay attention, and after all, he has you now. He doesn't belong to you anymore and I can't describe how that feels.

I know the first few times I met with my bdaughter it was very awkward, not because we didn't want to be with her but because there was just so much to say, and how do you say it?

Still, shame on her, she should have tried harder.

Answer 11

the simple answer is that there are lots of birth mothers who don't want contact.  this is why they make their information private.  maybe it will cause more confusion and hurt feelings for your son to have contact with her.  does she want to have contact with your son?  you should have an honest conversation with her and be clear about what your expectations are and what hers are, so no one is disappointed.  it may be that she just doesn't want this child in her life, and she can share her feelings and reasons with you.  good luck to you.

Answer 12

Hi Renee,

I am NOT a First Mother......I did go thru something similar to you that wonderful First Mothers here helped me work thru.

First, I understand your "mama bear" reaction to seeing your child in pain.  Set this aside.  Your child does not need protection from his/her First Mother.

As you can see here what First Parents experience is complicated.  We can not pretend to know what your child's First Mother is feeling and we can not pretend to know what else is going on in her life.  This could be a perfect opportunity to teach your child patience, compassion and understanding.

Love is not perfect.  We do not cut people out of our lives simply because they do not respond the way that we want them to or because of hurt feelings.  We give people we love the benefit of the doubt.  

It is my job to stand side by side with my child to offer open arms, open hearts, and open doors to his/her First Family, no strings attached.

****abuse excluded.

Answer 13

Why would you continue to subject your son to his birth mother when she doesnt seem interested in him now and gave him away as a baby???? As an adoptee I would refrain from making attempts to have the birth mother in his life. This could enstill more hurt and abandonment feelings, especially if you are arranging the relationship set up.

Think of it this way... he is your son, so break the teetering between mothers. No matter what her reason, it was inappropriate for her to exclude your son from the photo and not pay much attention to him. I definitley wouldnt subject him to her again, unless she makes the effort and shows you that she isnt going to hurt your son (or your) feelings during the interaction time.