Question for Parents with ADHD Son?

Question

I have a 13 year old son. He recently had to be evaluated by a psychiatrist in lieu of a superintendent hearing due to a suspension from school. In the evaluation, the doctor had stated he felt my son displayed alot of symptoms of ADHD and recommended he be evaluated for it. My son has always been very smart, but had trouble focusing or sitting still in class. I've gotten calls from every teacher he has had since the 1st grade. He calls out in class and talks about things that don't pertain to the work at hand. His grades are slipping. Lately I have noticed his attitude is getting worse towards me. He has no respect for authority whatsoever. He talks back stating he has a right to defend himself (this is against me taking away his cell phone). He is rude, disrespectful and obnoxious. He hangs around with 2 sets of friends...one set are good kids, the other are 2 dirtbags in the area. He has asked me on several occasions if he could sleep over said dirtbags house or stay out later. When I say "no", he comes back and demands I give him a reason other than "because I said so". As his mother I have told him I don't have to give him any reason and he has no rights asking for one since he's the kid. This is getting worse and worse. The other day we had such a huge blowout I took all of his clothes and threw them on the floor so he could go live with his father (we are divorced). He started "crying" and begging me to stop being angry and promised he would change. Lo and behold, not more than 24 hours later, he is up to his c**p again. Can someone please point me in the right direction? I feel like I'm drowning in this whirlpool of a mess. I don't know how to punish without there being this huge scream-fest. Any advice would be great, especially if anyone out there has the same situation.

Answer 1

I am the step-mom of a 14 year old boy with ADHD. It took us many years of fighting with his biological mother to get this kid put on medication. He now takes Concerta 27 mg. once a day. It has taken a lot of the edge off, but not the attitude.

The attitude, in itself, is a teen thing. Just like your son, Jake has no respect for anyone unless he wants something. Then it's a game of kiss-*** for him. He figures if he's nice that we'll give him whatever he wants, when he wants it. When we don't...all h**l breaks loose with him! He gets snotty...calls me names...argues like there's no tomorrow...slams his bedroom door...hollars at the dogs. You name it and he does it.

Learn to pick and choose your battles. When it comes to the friends he hangs out with...draw the line. Let him know that he will no longer be allowed to hang out with the "Dirtbag Gang." It's your rule and he has to abide by it. Sure, he's going to get mad...he'll get over it as long as you follow through.

Let him know he won't be allowed to live with his father. In his mind he thinks of his father as a safety net. He thinks that he won't have the rules there that you have at your house.

With Jake, it's taken a lot, and I do mean A LOT, of patience and following through. My husband has had custody of him for 3 years now and Jake still comes back from his visitation at his mother's with the, " I hate you," attitude and the , " I don't have to listen to you because you aren't my mother, " attitude.

We had the teachers at school and the Guidance Counselor do observation charts which were done for a 2 week time period and then were mailed to the Dr. by the school. We never saw the results until Jake was scheduled to go in for his results. He has trouble sitting still in class...he talks during class...he disrupts the class acting like the class clown for attention...he argues with his math teacher...he even called her a B***H and got expelled for 3 days! Then he had the nerve to ask me to take him back & forth to school because he couldn't ride the bus. (He could go to school but it would be an entire day spent in the Guidance Office with his lunch brought up to him. He could have no interaction with any other students.) I let him know...I didn't get in the fight, I didn't call the teacher the name, therefore I'm not responsible for your problems that you created. So he stayed out of school for those 3 days and had a h**l of a load of homework to catch up on. Believe me, he wasn't happy because his weekend was spent doing homework!

It's tough to handle an ADHD child. But pick and choose those battles. Fight the ones that you know you can win by being firm in what you know. Let those ones go that you know are just an invitation for a negative reaction from you. He will continue to push your buttons and try to get you to argue. DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIM IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. You are the adult and, with or without respect, he's still your child. He deserves your love but he needs help.

Get in contact with his school Counselor...have the teachers do the observations...the school will mail the paperwork to the Dr. and then the Dr. will call you in to discuss what they've learned. Concerta is a good medication. The only side effect that Jake has from it is that it keeps him awake. So counteract this by having him go to bed around 9:30pm. That is another reason he's going through the arguing phase. He isn't getting enough sleep...I can guarantee that. If Jake doesn't get at least 10 hours of sleep a day...I can't stand to be around him when he throws a temper tantrum...I walk outside and come in when he's done. If you do just that one little thing, walk away, it stops the argument because he has no one to scream at anymore.

I wish you well and if you need to talk, email me: [e-mail]

Answer 2

if u keep telling him hes the child and doesn't need a reason your just making the situation even worse, talk 2 him bout why u don't want him hanging with the "dirt bags" and while ur CALMLY explaining it to him don't say because they are dirt bags.you have to understand that this disease effects his behavior, plus he is a hormonal teenager.

Don't threaten to kick him out that will just make him feel you don't care enough to try and work with him so he will think that since you don't care about him why should you care about his behavior and then he will act out to try and get your attention.

so talk to him...stop threatening him...and realize that adhd controls alot of his misbehaving. research the disease and try to get a better understanding of what it does.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, I'm not a parent of someone with ADHD but do have a brother with it and have seen what my parents have gone thru with the same things as you are.  I noticed that they definitely had to keep their cool and not to "blow up" or look mad when trying to correct the unwanted/bad behavior.  Many times my brother would yell and sream when he wouldn't get his way but my parents never lost their cool about it even though I knew they very well wanted to.  First, you must be consistent when your son is acting out.  He is probably doing this for attention.  If you don't start screaming back at him, and just ignore his screaming and yelling, then maybe he'll understand that it won't be tollerated.  If he continues, then just tell him, the conversation is over until he can come talk to you in a normal tone of voice and when the both of you are not upset at each other.  Also, take your son into see his doctor and ask him about the different medications that your son could take to help with the ADHD.  It will help his attention and such and then his behavior and grades will improve.  His doctor may also have some other help for not only you but your son on how to cope with ADHD and things that both of you can do to make it easier on your son and yourself.  I hope this helps some, even though I am a sister of someone who has ADHD and not a parent.  

Answer 4

im dealing with this same situation only its with a seven year old and he is my brothers son that im taking care of along with three other children in the house and being preggo so i understand the stress.  i would have him evaluated and put in therapy and consider medication if its really as bad as you say.  he may have some abandonment issue with his father since he is living with you and is probably pushing you this hard to prove that you will leave or abandon him to.  stick to your punishments and dont back down just to get him to stop talking back to you.  it sucks but he will either change or he will have to be on his own one day figuring out how to act mature.  

Answer 5

He's a kid...he's going to scream (and you're not the only one who has to deal with these fights). You're doing all of the right things. If he doesn't listen, punish him by taking away some of his prized posessions...like his phone. Continue to take away items until he smartens up. If he does something good, give him an item. If he runs off without your permission, call the cops. It scares the **** out of them when the cops bring them home.

As for ADHD...I think it's an easy scapegoat for most teachers, parents, and psychs. I would suggest putting him into programs that are more difficult...because he's probably just bored. Encourage school work but praising him immensely whenever he does something excellent. Even if the teachers don't like it, but you do...let him know. Let him know that you think he's intelligent and mature. Always leave yourself open to talk...and if he talks about something you don't approve of (such as drug usage), don't get angry. Just talk to him about it calmly and explain why you don't want him to something.

"because I said so", is a great response. You can reason if you want to, but you shouldn't have to. You're the parent. What you say, goes. Don't let him walk all over you...and don't threaten him (throwing his clothes on the floor and threatening to send him a way is not a good tactic). He will call your bluff again and again.

Good luck.

Answer 6

When you threaten to throw him out you're stooping to his level. Also, don't make threats you don't intend to keep, that just encourages him to ignore you. Decide on suitable punishments you can actually go through with, and when he tries to pick a fight about it, ignore him.

Answer 7

Simple answer. KILL IT