Question for adopted children?

Question

Me and my husband are having a little trouble agreeing on if we should be honest and tell our child that we are planning to adopt that he is adopted. My husband's arguing that there is no reason for the child to have to deal with the fact he wasn't wanted at birth, I say he has a right to know regardless of the facts surrounding his birth I wanted him more than anything in this world. So if you were adopted please tell me how you found out and if it affected the way you looked at your adoptive parents afterward, or if your self esteem changed and if you grew up knowing how your mother told you from the get go. Any help would be appreciated Thank you.

Answer 1

im not adopted but one of my friends was and she didn't know till she was fourteen and she found out by mistake while she was looking through a baby book of hers and she was ok with it but she had a break down that her mom didn't tell her before and also my half brother and sister there mom adopted a little boy from korea and well he found out because he didn't look like any one else and so when he was five he asked my brother and sister if he was adopted and hes been fine with it

Answer 2

It's true that it's not fair for anyone to have to deal with being abandoned.  What a hurtful thing to have to know about your history!  However, if it's such a hurtful thing, the solution would be to not abandon the child in the first place.  Lying about it just adds insult to injury.  It's HIS information.  His history BELONGS to him.  You may be the keepers of his information, but it is not your job to determine whether or not he should know about it.  It's your job to dispense his information in age-appropriate increments, as HE requests it.  I believe that if they're old enough to ask a question, they're old enough to know the truth.

Answer 3

Has to be at birth. I always knew deep down. I had memories. Some children who are adopted at birth won't know and need to be told straight away. You don't need to sit them down or anything and chat about it. Just talk about it openly around people. Talk about it while he or she is in the room and with other people. Like "we adopted him in August" bla bla bla lol. Just talking about it will be great because the child will know the word, know that they weren't born to you and were in a different home before they were with you which is the basics to adoption. The rest of the information such as how the adoption happened, the reason they were placed for adopted etc can be discussed with the child when they are a little older. Don't expect them to ask questions. My adoptive parents were waiting until I asked before sharing further information with me. I was scared to ask and as I explained to them later how was I supposed to think up questions when I didn't know there could possibly be answers to them if you know what i mean. It didn't cross my mind to ask because I just assumed that there were no answers or the information did not exist. So please talk to your child yourself. Of course make it age appropriate, but young children to take things very well and don't have taboos about certain subjects.

Hiding is really lying. My parents lied to me by hiding a lot of my past from me. I really cannot trust them anymore quite honestly. I feel paranoid that they are hiding things. I keep asking now but they say "I don't know" and then about a month later will reveal the very information I was asking for. Even though  maybe in your opinion the time before may be negative and something to forget, the child lived in that time. They were alive from the time they were born and the time they were adopted to you. They deserve a picture of that time.

I can't imagine what it is like to find out you are adopted when you are older. I would imagine it would be horrible.

This is a less shocking incident but it affected my relationship with my parents tremendously. Every birthday of mine this oldish man came and delivered presents to me and talked to me for a while and then left. I just thought he was a family friend as there were others that did the same. One day I asked (I was 15) "who IS that man who visits me?" and my mum said "your birth grandfather".....I was livid. I was sooo angry and upset. I had been literally searching the streets for people who might be my real family. I had dreamt countless nights of meeting someone who looked like me, who I was connected to, I felt so confused all the time and here was someone who could solve these problems and my parents had hid it from me. I was angry for about a year after that. I had to meet him all over again knowing who he was. It was actually humiliating and embarrissing because he knew who i was but i didnt know who he was! I felt ashamed that I didn't recognise him. When I met him, his eyes were like mine, he told me of my mother and her sisters. He shared his interests with me and I had some that were identical including a very specific taste in dog breeds!

Lies create rifts, lies are traumatising, lies will destroy relationships and trust. Never lie or hide things from your child. This is what you owe them. The truth.

Answer 4

I was adopted and so was my little sister. we knew since we were little. it was never a secret. we were our parents gifts. it never changed the way i looked at my adoptive family, and i didn't have any feelings of not being wanted because my bm gave me up for all the right reasons. just don't feel bad if he ever wants to get into contact with her, its nothing against you, its just wanting to know where you came from. i recently found my birthmom, and it still hasnt changed my veiws on my faimly

Answer 5

I'm a firm believer in telling your child the truth.  

There is also a very practical reason.  This is not an easy secret to keep.  If the beans get spilled when he is older, you risk your relationship with him.  Do you want to take that chance?  He would likely become very jaded and untrusting of people if he ever found out.

Answer 6

First of all your husband needs to change his view on why a mother gives up a baby in the first place!  There can be a lot more reasons to give a baby up besides "she did not want the baby"!  That is a hurtful way to put it.  Even if that is the case-do you want your child to think that about him/herself?  I am adopted and can't remember ever being told-my a.mom was very open about talking to me about how she got me and how grateful she was to my b.mom.  Since I have always known-as the situation goes with any issue in life -it was never a big deal to me.  I have no ill feelings toward my b.mom or my a.mom.  Adoptees develop issues when they are made to believe they were unwanted.  Or when they grow up and one day their world comes crashing down on them when they are told they are adopted.  That would be so cruel to be told -by the people u trust most in the world-that they have kept such a huge secret from you.

Answer 7

My parents tried to hide it from me, but I ended up finding out around the age of 12. and it has been downhill from there. I felt violated and not loved at all. I felt my parents were being very selfish and did not have that right to hide that type of info, for mental and medical reasons. The truth always comes out. So tell him.

Answer 8

I always knew

And we all know that secrets in families don't work, don't we?  they always come out and cause damage.  Not telling is not an option.

Check out what Late Discovery Adoptees have to say:

http://www.latediscovery.org/

ETA:  Check out all the non-adopted people telling you how it feels to be adopted - wow, they must have a crystal ball or something 'cos unless you've walked in these shoes YOU DON'T KNOW!

Answer 9

I personally wasn't adopted but I know 2 girls that were.  Both of them were told they were adopted as soon as they were old enough to understand which I think is the best way to do it.  Explain to them that their birth parents couldn't take care of them for whatever reason but they loved them and wanted them to have a good life so they found your guys and let you adopt them.  I think it would be a lot worse if one day when they were older somehow they found out, they would be so mad at you for not telling them.  Both of my friends want to find their birth mothers just because it is a peice of them they want to know, but they definitely don't look at their adoptive parents any differently then they would if they were their biological parents.  My one friend was talking about it to me and she said "Sheila(her birth mom) is the woman who gave birth to me, but they (referring to her adoptive parents) are my mom and dad."  Of course they will be curious but all you have to do is make sure you love them and don't hide any secrets from them because they will eventually find out!  Good luck!

Answer 10

Not telling the child might work-- if you live on an island inhabited only by you, your husband and your children.  

Many people who know you will know of the child's adoption and the child will eventually find out.  When the child finds out there will be serious trust issues.  Honesty is always the best policy in my book.  

What do you mean....the child wasn't wanted at birth???  YOU want the child don't you?  

FYI, "not wanting the child" is not a common reason a woman puts a child up for adoption--except maybe in cases of rape.

Answer 11

I was adopted (placed with my adoptive family in 2weeks after birth). My parents never "talked openly" about being adopted, both my brother (also adopted- by-law relation only) and I knew we were before we knew what it meant. I remember when my mom sat down and actually explained it. I was 4 or 5 in the Dr.s office and he asked about asthma in the family (I'm the only one) and my mom said she wasn't sure and that I was adopted. The dr got frustrated with that answer and said he would be back and left. I thought it was bad that I was, and my mom explained that she was my mom and she loved me, but then I wasn't born from her and my dad. The state thought they could take good care of me and knew they would love me so the state gave me to them. It made it easier. Then I found out about the adoption agency they used, and that my mom was a teen. (I was older so it didn't matter so much)

Answer 12

No, you need to tell that he is adopted.

My mom told me from young age that ''Daddy'' wasn't my birth father, and that she and my father had divorced before I was born.

I don't think that if they didn't tell me until now that I would be majorly pissed at them, but it wouldn't feel the same.

I love my Dad just like he were my father, and he loves me like I were his own.

As always, it depends on the kid, but I personally think it's better for the kid to know from a young age.

But not having been able to see it from the "I wasn't told until I was 'old enough' to know" point of view, I can't say for sure.

Answer 13

I was adopted by my foster mother when I was 2.  She is the only mother I know.  I've always known that she loves me and she's always wanted me.  I had the choice by her to find my biological parents, but I never wanted to.  She is all I need.  She already had 3 biological kids when she adopted my brother and me.  She and my sisters always told us that we were more special than most kids because we were chosen.  I also knew a boy that was adopted and his parents kept it from him until he was 14.  He grew hatred towards his adopted parents for not telling him sooner.  If it is kept secret, you must know that someday you may have no choice but to tell the child especially if medical problems show up.  You will be unable to give your family medical history.

Answer 14

I was adopted when I was 7 weeks old by my paternal grandparents and  I have always known.  I have never felt rejected because of it.  I realize how truly lucky I am to have been adopted by such loving people who CHOSE to raise me.  I have no hard feelings against my biological parents.  I was always told that they did what was right for me because they were unable to take care of me.  I am a firm believer in telling your adoptive children the truth.  Some day, they may become curious as to who their biological family is and when they're old enough, I would recommend supporting them if they choose to search them out.  It wouldn't mean that they would love you any less, it would just show that you love them enough that you will support them in whatever they choose.  I hope this makes sense and that it might help you.

Answer 15

I have three different stories, here:

My own: I was adopted; my (adoptive) mom had 3 boys, before me, then my (adoptive) dad had a vasectomy... She heard about me, and they rushed to adopt me, when I was one week old, via private adoption. (A bad idea, by the way; private adoption.) When I was 8, she was telling me how the boys would kick her, when they were inside her, and I asked if I kicked her... That started it, and she told me I was adopted... My birth mom called me, sometimes, and I got to speak to my siblings; 2 full-blood sisters. I also had 2 half sisters, and two half brothers... When I was 18, I met my birth mom, all my sisters, and one of my half bros. (My other one is from my birth fathers' side.) I've never met my birth father; he doesn't seem interested... I did find it strange that I'm the baby of both families, and that I was given up, being the last child... Usually, it's the first child that's given up, cause the parents aren't ready... I still keep in touch with my sisters.

My cousin and my niece are both biologically related to their mothers, but have a different birth father... My cousin doesn't know it, while everyone else in the family, does know... My cousin is almost 40; she also has 2 sisters who are biologically related to both her parents. Her father---the one who raised her---has known her since she was a baby... My niece is 19, and finally found out, last year, in the worst way, that my brother is not her bio dad... He, too, has raised her since she was 6 months, and had adopted her... She'd been fighting with her parents, a lot, and her great grandfather (a true jerk) told her my brother is not her 'real' father... Of course, due to the fighting, she used this against him; throwing it in his face, and calling him 'Stepdad.' Things are better now, but, it was still awful.

My opinion is strong: tell the child, as soon as he/she is old enough to even kind of understand... Yeah, they may still say, "You're not my real mom/dad!" when they're teens, and mad, but it's not the end of the world; at least they won't find out any other way besides from YOU, and you would have done the right thing... Parents who don't want to tell, have no business adopting them, in the first place, in my opinion; if they don't tell, it's like they're ashamed they adopted a child... Besides, they need to know their actual medical records... Good luck!

Answer 16

I was there when I was adopted, even though it happened 3 days after I was born. Many people forget that aspect of adoption..the child was there and experienced the separation, even if it was "only" in the pre-verbal stages of life. Because of this, the child will know, even if it's a hazy thing they can never quite put their finger on.

Relationships built on secrecy are never healthy and even if they aren't revealed in over ways, they linger in the air, always the fear that somehow the secret will slip out. Being honest and dealing with all of the feelings and questions and everything that comes with adoption is best. If you aren't prepared for this...then should you really be adopting?

I would question whether your husband truly wants an adopted child, since it seems as if he would truly prefer to not have to deal with the headaches involved in the process...

Answer 17

There have already been numerous posts/answers regarding why you SHOULD tell your child the truth. So, I just want to make a suggestion.

"My husband's arguing that there is no reason for the child to have to deal with the fact he wasn't wanted at birth". <<you don't know that this statement is true. Even if a mother leaves her child in a dumpster--god forbid--you don't know the intentions, the feelings, the emotions, etc...behind that mother's act. While a few mothers may not want their children at birth, the vast majority simply are unable, or believe themselves to be unable, to care for their child.

I would stick with the truth....i.e. We adopted you through ___. at age ___. We love you very much, etc. etc etc. You should mention positive things about his birth and his birth parents if you know them.....When he asks follow up questions, such as 'why didn't my mommy want me?" you should say...." I don't think your mommy didn't want you, she just didn't know how to be a mommy/she just (insert polite but honest statement here). When he is old enough to handle the information, he can read his file or learn about it from you in more detail...but without any negativity on your part towards his first parents. He needs to make his own conclusions about them. If/ When he asks something about his first parents intentions/actions/feelings/etc...your job is to say, "That's a good question. I don't know the answer to your question, but maybe we can look for your mom when you are older and ask her about that" etc. You should always be truthful with your children....but b/c you don't truly know how the mother feels deep down in her heart, I wouldn't dare tell my child that he wasn't wanted. Take care!

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 18

I found out at age 31.  My a-mom was deceased and my a-dad denied I was adopted for the next 23 years.  He died last year at age 84, never having acknowledged my adoption.

If you tell your adopted child, you will have control of how, when and what he/she finds out.  If you don't, the fact will come out in anger, or through gossip, or when he/she is going through your effects after you're gone.  It is amazing how many people find out at their parents' funerals.

As for kids throwing "you're not my REAL mother" at you - I know kids who are NOT adopted and try the same line.

And PLEASE - support your son or daughter in their quest to find more information, if they so choose - it isn't a reflection of their feelings for you - it's a need to find their own personal history.  Don't take it as a rejection.