Question for adoptees... did you ever resent your adoptive parents?

Question

Okay, so my husband and I are starting the adoption process. We are both very excited and worried. What if our child (adopted) resents us? I know that we'll be good parents, we are very calm people that have a very close family relationship. We would never abuse or neglect our child. He or she would be well taken care of, while we are not rich, we can support a child with the essentials and some extras. I really want this to happen for us.

I guess what I want to know is how do you feel about your adoptive parents? I would also like to know your age... this will help me understand at what point I might encounter what you are telling me.

ps. I think that you're all very nice people, taking time to answer questions about things that you have been through is awesome. You are really helping prospective adoptive parents out! Good job and Thank you!

Answer 1

I'd be very surprised to find a person who never resented their parents, adoptee or not.  Parents are in the impossible position of saying "no."  

I resented my parents for years because of their divorce and because they were largely absent in many ways.

Did I resent my parents because of my adoption?  No, not in any significant way.

The only time I felt any resentment about that is when my adoptive father tried to hide facts about my first family.  (He had a brief outline of my non-identifying information and hid it from me for years.  Long story.  It was around the time I was twelve or so.)  And I know that it hurt that I couldn't really talk about my adoption without feeling like it was taboo or that I was hurting their feelings.  (This has been the case most of my life.)

But I love my adoptive parents.  They weren't perfect, but then no one is.  

The most important thing I can suggest to you (other than reading "Primal Wound," which has already been suggested), is to remember that when a child expresses something about his or her adoption, it's generally not about the adoptive parents.  (I suppose exceptions would involve mistreatment by the adoptive parents.)  The feelings surrounding his or her adoption have to do more with losing the first family than with the new family.

It can be hard to separate those.  But if you listen closely...

Good luck to you.

Edited to Add:  With all due respect, if my adoptive parents had followed the rules that "B double D" lays out in that answer, I would have resented my adoptive parents a great deal.  Seeing my first mother wasn't an option (back in the 70's), but if I had found out they had intentionally kept her from me, I would have struggled a lot with that.  I understand that "B double D" didn't resent on those grounds.  But I know I would have.

Answer 2

Never.  

Although resentment may be an issue with an older child due to a past history, raising an adoptee from infancy should not create such feelings. Nevertheless, raising an adoptee is still differnet than raising a biological child.  The child may feel a sense of loss that you can help her handle.

Answer 3

I'm 32 and was adopted from Korea into a white family.  I've never resented my family or my parents!  Why would I?  For giving me a better life and opportunities I would not have had in Korea?!  For giving me all the love, support and encouragement a child would ever want?  No - no resentment here.  I love my parents as much as they love me.  They had 2 biological sons before adopting me.  The key is not to make the child feel like there is something weird or wrong with them because they are adopted.  While my parents made me feel as special as their other 2, they never tried to overcompensate by acting like I was in any way MORE special or less special because I was adopted.  I was just another 1 of their children.  My mom told me when I was little that God always intended for me to be with them but that he just dropped me in another woman's belly! :) ha h!  OH the stories you tell.  My mom is an English teacher so she actually wrote her own book to read to me when I was ready that explained how they came to the decision to adopt me.  She included family pictures and it will always be amongst my greatest treasures.

Answer 4

my only resentment was that they were much older than my friend's parents.

Answer 5

I don't resent my aparents at all.

There were things they could have done better, and things they could have done worse. It all balances out. While my parents have kept things from me about my adoption, and other things that I should have had as a child, it doesn't cause me to resent them.

And, contrary to popular belief, I don't think all teenagers resent there parents at some point- I find that a generalization.

Answer 6

No way, don't even understand your thought process, we meaning my 5 adopted siblings and myself love our parents more then life , they are our parents, i have not been through anything different then any other child, i was brought up in an open loving home with two incredible parents and 5 siblings that loved me , we always knew we were adopted so it was never an issue, we felt special and loved , i am almost 40, and at NO point in my life did i resent my parents except maybe for not letting me go out with joey Pauly in the 7th grade LOL

Answer 7

well when I first met my adoptive parents the first day I visited I heard my adoptive dad call my adoptive brother a f****ing r****d & I didn't agree with that very much I don't have a problem with my adoptive family unless my dad is being a total d**k head then I step in & totally freak out & I sometimes curse @ him, He calls me a tramp & I'm not a tramp I don't go sleeping around with guys & I'm still a virgin.

Answer 8

You know, most kids at some point resent their parents, adopted or not!

Answer 9

I love my adoptive parents...they treated me well and like I was their birth child, not someone's else's.

They taught me that even if someone doesn't have a lot of money, it doesn't take money to have love, joy, peace, and happiness.

I usually don't like telling people my age, so I always make myself look older than I am....but here is my real age...24.

Answer 10

Ok.  I am a parent of 19 year old twins.  I have raised them as mine.  They are the apple of my eyes.  We have had a wonderfull friendship both as mother/daughter and as girlfriends.  It is not an easy job by no means.  Sometimes even our own children resent us for one reason or another.  I know you wanted to hear from adoptee but as a mother who has finished raising .  I like to give you an advice.  Be brave to change what you can and accept what can't be change.  Do things thinking of the greater good not what looks good.  If you love someone they will love you back.  The things I have learned with them I will never change.  I have a special place in my heart for them and they have the same for me.  They know I am not their mother to them I am their guardian Angel.  I believe this is unmerited because I only did what any other woman would do.  But in their words this is how they see me and when they ask who is your mom they always say it's me.  That alone gives me great pleasure... Good luck in your journey.God bless you for being unselfish and giving hope to someone who needs it

Answer 11

my boyfriend is adopted...he has never had contact with his birth parents...his adoptive parents are wonderful and have supported him throughout his life to adulthood...he has great respect and loves them so much...

he does not resent them but is thankful for the life they have given him and for the love they have shown him...they are his family - the ones who have been there to guide him through his life...

he knows that he was lucky to find such grounded and caring people to raise him...he doesnt even feel the need to search for his birth parents - he has had enough love and security throughout his life that he has not grown up to be insecure...

adoptive parents do a wonderful job and give these children a real chance!

love your child and rear him/her well and they will repay you with loyalty and love...real parents are the ones who love a child, watch it grow, support their individuality - you will be the support system and the ones your child will love unconditionally...please do not fear resentment!

good luck xx

Answer 12

No, I never resented my adoptive parents, they gave me a life that my birth-mother could not and I thank them to this day although I lost them in 1973 and 1990

Answer 13

No!, I love my adoptive parents and don't resent them.  But I was lucky with the adoptive parents I got - I know some were not so lucky and got landed with selfish and narcissistic adoptive parents, so I can't speak for everyone

I do wish they'd got my original identity and records for me, but that's not their fault - secrecy together with the damage of 'growing in the dark' is just how the stupid system is run.  This is why I'm for truth and openness in adoption so other adoptees don't have to live in the dark with nothing but their imaginations to rely on

I would recommend Nancy Verrier's 'Primal Wound - Understanding the Adopted Child' She is an adoptive parent and gives great advice

http://www.nancyverrier.com/par_notes.ph...

Answer 14

No.  I have great a'parents and I've always loved them.  My resentment is for the system.

I might have resented them if they'd lied to me about my being adopted, or withheld information about my heritage from me.  But they didn't.

I'm 42 and was adopted at age two months.

Answer 15

You folks are to be celebrated.  Go for it.  I hope when you say you are both very calm people that you do not mean "Passive".  You must have passion and a zest to live life "head On" and face all adversity with a strong spine.  As even if you had the ability to have your own children...this life is full of adversity and challenge.

I was adopted two times at 2.5 yrs of age and 13.  Chances of me ever finding my birth parents were lost to me over two decades ago.  I am now 60.  I answer this question as best I can becasue...I remember attending an Adoptee in search group meeting and was apalled at the attendees reasons for being there.  

Each and everyone of them were angry "blaming" who and whatever for their issues and problems.   I never went back, perhaps it was the leadership of this group that failed them.  I was never like that.  All I was searching for was medical history and perhaps a picture of each birth parent.

Sure, I would have liked to have found them...and look in each of their eyes and hopefully "seen" something of myself in them, but this was not to be...so here I am finding out about my medical problems now at 60.  ( of which there are many).

I never resented my birth parents, or adoptive parents, but my situation was very unique, I was also in six foster homes, and never stayed anywhere long enough to build resentments.  I took only "good" with me...and I believe that the good people I met along my journey guided me to see in directions that made me strong and I must add a belief in GOD the almighty and prayers answered didn't hurt me any either.

Life is alot stranger than fiction...sometimes you should know and other time...eh..who cares.  

I read once from a book that I favored as a child...(The Prophet-by Kahil Kibran)  Your children are not your children...they are lifes longing for itself.  Though they come through you but they do not belong to you....

Respect the differences from the unique gene-pool from the child you adopt...celebrate life and love and be honest at the age of reasoning with the child...tell him/her how lucky you were to find them!  Each life on this earth is as a fingerprint...unique and different.  

God Bless and happy holidays.

Answer 16

No, why would I? They are the ones that raised me. They encouraged me to reach my dreams. So, there is no reason to resent them.

Answer 17

There are many ages that  you can adopt a child, which is the good thing.  Rules of Adopting:  #1: don't let child see birth parents till 15.  #2: don't tell child about adoption (if adopted young) until 7 or 8.  #3:  say reason adopted such as family was poor, and wanted you to live like this, or that they lived in a bad neighborhood to raise a child, etc. #4:  Make child feel like they are benifitted by the adoption.  I am 20 and I was adopted.  These r the rules I will use and My mom used on me.  I never saw my birth parents because I felt they weren't my parents!

Answer 18

Well I was adopted at birth. I found out I was adopted at the age of 12. My parents telling me this didn't change anything because they are all I know. I love them and I never tell anybody that they aren't my parents because they are. It takes more than just having a kid to be there parent. As long as you love and care for them like your own they will love you for life. So don't worry.