Question for adoptees:?

Question

Would you have been better off being raised by your first parent(s), in the situation they were in and not be adopted, or do you believe you would have been better off raised in the family you were adopted into, only be their natural child instead of an adoptee?

Answer 1

If i had never been adopted I would have not gone through the trauma of the separation. I would not have also been adopted out to a family who ended up physically abusing me. I was then taken into foster care and then adopted out again to another family. I remember being adopted out to the second family vividly and I was only 5 months old, I remember reaching out and crying and feeling really frustrated because I didn't want to leave, II even remember the wallpaper in the foster mother's living room, so that discounts all those theories about memory.

On the other hand if I had stayed with my mother who was mentally ill and would have had to have gotten disability support form welfare I would be living with someone very volitile and unstable.

Even though in my dream world I would like to think that that life would have been better, I may not have appreciated it when I grew up. I may have had other problems caused by being brought up by a very ill mother.

If I hadn't been adopted out to an abusive home would I have less emotional problems now had I been adopted into a stable home first off? There are so many questions. So many paths my life could have lead. I am basically happy with the life I have now, the only thing that affects me from time to time is that sadness and grief, anger, trust and abandonement issues that come up when the wounds of the trauma of being separated.

I can't say I haven't hurt, or been left without a giant gap within me or without vivid and disturbing memories, but maybe just these things have made me appreciate my own natural mother where otherwise I may have resented her or grown up wishing I had a "normal" non mentally ill mother.

Answer 2

i was adopted at birth, in leesburg florida in 1963, when the system was just a pack of liars, so we dont know how to find my bio parents. but i had a fantastic life with my Aparents. i couldnt have hoped for better. they DID love me just as if i were thier own. they also adopted a boy 2 1/2 yrs after me. we were both ....and still are, even tho we r grown, spoiled rotten. my dad passed away in 1981, and my mom did it from there on her own. i am an extremely strong woman because of what i learned from her.

still.....even if i had no contact w my Bmom, i think it would have been better for me, emotionally, if i knew i could have. now, im killing myself trying to get family medical history, ethnic background. so that is important.

stormytexxxas/TerriLynn

still searching...

leesburg florida

leesburg general hospital

12-16-1963

Answer 3

Maybe I am in a minority, I am glad I was raised by my adopted parents.  My biological mother had three other children, all of whom never even graduated from high school.  I was able to graduate and continue on and get a college education.  My bio half sisters also were married by the time they were 16, divorced by 17, and had kids by 18.  I waited until I was 24 to marry, 25 to have my first child, and now 7 years later my second child, and I am still married.  I have made contact (obviously) with my bio mom, but only by phone and email.  For some reason, I am not ready to meet her in person.  But this is just one person's humble opinion.

Have to say it is funny to get a thumb's down from telling a real life experience.  Sorry if you don't like my real life experience, lmao.

Answer 4

I would rather have been raised by my adopted parents because that was what put on course to have the life I have now.  Without it I would not have my family, my kids, my   husband etc...It is very hard to turn the clock back and guess with any certainty what life would have been like any other way.  It is like that old show"Let's Make a Deal."  Would I want to change the known, which is pretty great, for the unknown behind door number 3?  No way!  I understand that others may want to, but not me.  This is the only life I have been given, regardless of how I got here, I like the place I'm in.

Answer 5

In a way I do not believe that there is necessarily a "right" answer to this question because all of our situations are so different. I've always really thought that my situation was the same situation that every other adopted kid experienced...boy was I wrong! No, my life was not perfect, but I am/was much much better off with my adoptive parents. My biological mother was young and poor but she loved me dearly and wanted the best life possible for me. Because of her decision I have so many more doors open to me than I would have had. My biological brother I hear is not very well adjusted and he bounced around (like I did until I was adopted at three) from relative to relative because of the financial situation. My parents chose an open adoption plan so I could contact my bio mother whenever I wanted, but I didn't really write that many letters (2-3 max) because my needs were being met at home. Because the option was always there and nothing was ever a big secret I never felt they need to wonder about the "what it..." I hope I made myself clear sometimes my thoughts get quite jumbled :-)

Answer 6

Would i have been better off? Well, i can hardly answer that. I'm 19 and i found out i was adopted last year by an aunt who had passed away this year. My parents do not know i've knew the secret and they don't have the intention to tell me, so i do not know any biological background about myself.

I'm now in a family which i'm running away from and i've been abused and pushed around. I've stayed quiet and kept silent as i never knew i was adopted till last year. In fact, i was glad that i was. at least there is a reason to comfort myself i am not bloodly related to them. I only thank them for one thing. giving me a shelter for 19 years.

My mom is having mentally problems and she would not insist of seeing a doctor and on the other hand, she said i was the sick and having problem one and lock me in my room. [i am 19!!] She'll go crazy and berserk and starts yelling and throwing things at me. I kept quiet and didn't want to start a fight or argue no matter how much it hurt inside and outside cz i don't want my dad to come back and hit me too. She band me from seeing my boyfriend for nothing. i've been a goor girl, i never scold her and talk back to her. My boyfriend has been very respectful and polite to her. but one day he told me that i should not be pushed over by her. I went to the extend that i was so frustrated and mad that i fainted and i found out i had some health issues. My mom thinks i'm going on a diet and no eating. that's why i fainted. So, it's no point telling her the truth.

I am now planning to leave this home. I've given myself 4 years to graduate from university and start work to earn. Then, i'll leave and be independent. PLus, my boyfriend and his family is very supportive in this.

So, would i be better of being raised by my first parents? i do no even know who they are.

Answer 7

I think I would have been better off with my biological parents. The had many children, guess I was one too many.  I ended up passed from place to place by way of divorces etc., had 5 dads, 4 moms, none of which I repect today. My grandparents who fostered me before my adoption to their daughter and her husband, raised me off and on throughout my childhood, that was a good thing.  With relationships as unstable as they are today, I wouldn't consider adoption. But that is my personal opinion, based solely on my bad experiences. I'm sure there are plenty of good stories to counter mine, hope you hear from some of those people as well.

Answer 8

Would I have been better off? That's a hard one to answer. It's difficult to know "what might have been".  I certainly wondered the same thing after meeting my 1st mom in 1983.

I was taken from her at 18 months & placed in foster care. She was a working poor mom raising me alone (abandoned by a husband). She owed my babysitter, who turned me over to the authorities, which is how I ended up in foster care.  My foster parents adopted me at age 3. I have copies of my court records in foster care.

My a.mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption to please my dad. I paid a high price for the resentment she harbored. My a.parents were functioning alcoholics; verbally & physically abusive, esp. my a.mom w/me.  She once beat me with a board so badly that I literally couldn't sit, my backside solid black & blue. She told me I was a "tramp & a w***e, just like your mother!" (meaning my 1st mom - who wasn't, BTW.)

When I met my 1st mom, she was still living on a waitress' salary, but owned her own mobile home. She was thrilled to have me back in her life. She didn't willing relinquish me, but was told she'd never have custody of me again. She loved me.  

At the time I met her, I was the only one out of both families (adopted & birth) to graduate HS.  My daughter was 6 months old at my graduation. I went on to graduate from community college as a divorced mom w/o any help from (or contact with) my a.family.  

I met my bio. dad 3 years later.  He was in MENSA. I'm guessing I got my love of learning from him.  I can't credit my a.family with my educational path. It was my own...probably an inherent or inherited trait.  

So, my 1st mother loved me unconditionally.  I wish I'd known what that was like! A loving mother-daughter relationship! (I now have that with my daughter) I would have had a step father or two. My a.parents were better off financially, but not so much that they could (or would) have paid for college.  I had an a.dad who loved me, but let my a.mom abuse me until I left home at 16.  My a.parents never fully accepted my children as their grandkids (my a.mom had 3 bio kids).

I am a blend of nature & nurture. How can I know who I'd be if not for the way my life played out?

I've learned in this forum that sadly, abuse of adopted kids is not that unique.  Really, I thought my adoption story was rare. I'm sure I'll get thumbs down for telling the truth. Many in adoption don't want to hear the dark side of adoption.

Answer 9

Adoptee's where never given the choice to find out.

They deserve to have relationship with both sets of parents but  too many adoptive parents don't tell their kids or try to prevent them from doing so one way or another.

Answer 10

My natural parents were (and are) very wealthy, educated, and healthy.

My adoptive parents were abusive, lower middle class, and unhealthy.

Sorry to s***w with your stereotypes.

Answer 11

Hi Sizesmith,

My perspective is that it's not an either/or situation.  It's not about choosing either the adoptive or the biological family over the other as being "better."  

When some adoptees say they would rather not have been adopted, it doesn't necessarily mean they do not love the people who adopted them.  It does not necessarily mean they did not have a good home.  

Saying you would have preferred not to have been adopted in no way means one would have preferred to have been abandoned, abused or neglected.  (By the way, biological families do not have a monopoly on those, nor do all biological families fall into the abusive categories).

They mean they don't want to be different from everyone else.  They don't want the pain of separation.  They don't want to live with all the missing pieces.  They want to feel at home, fit in & belong.  They don't want the lies & secrecy.  They don't want the 2nd class citizen status that goes along with being an American adoptee, denial of official documents, lack of identity & heritage, being made to feel grateful, etc.  And they don't want the issues that often accompany being adopted.  Overall, the adoptee experience is not one you would want to wish upon other people.

There is a 3rd choice.  It is who would have rather not experienced adoption at all, regardless of which family they ultimately grew up with?  Count me in that category.  Who would choose all the negatives if another choice were to be either raised by a family you were born into or else born into a family you were adopted by?  Hope this makes sense.  Thanks for asking adoptees' perspectives.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 12

i am not adopted but i think most people would be better off with the adopted parents.

usually if kids are put up for adoption it is because the biological parents are unfit to raise a child.

they are an alcoholic, travel, drug addict etc.

you usually cant make a person change those things so they are normally going to be that way for the rest of there life

if you adopt you have to go through a background and life check for people to make sure you are a fit parent and will care for this child.

you will get a better more productive life usually with the adopted parent

Answer 13

Natural parents, hands down.

First a-family got bored of me when they had their own children, and gave me back.

Second a-family were religious loonies, have a few lovely gifts from them, incluiding broken tooth, split lip, broken eye socket etc.... Middle class, rich, christian minister family, kicked me out age 16 because i'm bi and they didn't want me to infect their 'real' daughter.

My natural parents were killed when I was 10 days old in a car bomb in N. Irland.....

I don't think they'd have been worse than my a-families, I have to say.

But we all have our own stories, feelings, path. Whatever has gone on in the past has led to this, so I really wouldn't change anything. I love my husband and daughter.

Answer 14

I would have preferred to be aborted.

Answer 15

Thanks julie j!!! You really summed it up!

No one asked you fashion.*****. you have no experience and therefore should keep your trap shut about things you dont understand.

We were never given the choice. I was beaten growing up by my adoptive parents (mother-several different personality disorders; divorced 4 times. Father-Bi-polar disorder with behavior disturbing, non operable brain tumor. Good choices, PA state!) as well as emotionally and mentally abused throughout childhood and adolesence. I have had to pay for years of therapy to try and recover.

Recently I married and am now pregnant with my first child; to which my A. mother reacted by telling me how my children wouldn't be hers genetically so naturally she'd be closer to my brother's children (her child by birth).

NO ADOPTION is the best scenario; whoever the birth family is. Then at least you know where you came from, and don't have to think about whether or not you want to find your REAL family, as the general, uneducated, rude, stupid American public likes to call them...

Adoption should be against the law. If you can have a kid, figure out how to raise them. If you want to "give them a *better* life", then MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR THEM.

Answer 16

FIRST PARENTS!

ETA

So I get thumbs down for wishing I wasn't beaten? For wishing I was raised by loving people who didn't try to KILL my unborn son?

You people are effing sick.