Question for adoptive parents of open adoption?

Question

my nephew was given up for adoption and it is an open adoption therefore we can send things to them through the adoption agency, and they email us pictures and updates about him (although they dont nessacarily have to)

i was wondering if your an adoptive parent would you ever let the child meet some of his birth family? or would you wait until he/she was 18 and let them do whatever?

what kind of conflict do you think would arise if i were to see my nephew?

Answer 1

What you’re talking about is called semi-open adoption. You would have to send word to the parents if they would be open to physical contact. They may not be and that is certainly their choice. Pictures/updates are more then some birthfamilies get.  That also said I have read of some parents who have adopted who did semi-open but ended up allowing some physical contact it really just again depends on the parents if they are comfortable with it.  Also remember even if they aren’t comfortable with it now doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have a change of mind later on.

Answer 2

My daughter sees her biological half sister once  a month or so.

Answer 3

Absolutely!!!

She saw him 3X and then REALLY MET HIM, when he was 2. (he's now 2.5), We live close and I want them to know eachother. She's not a bad person, just has some major life issues to deal with. He has also seen his grandmother and great-greandmother on may occasions. I think it's great. They treat my daughter the same as him too.

I know that if an extended family mamber wanted to see him, I would clear it with his first mom too. Her relationship with him comes first. Maybe you can talk to her about it. Also if you think about him often, keep a journal or scrapbook about yours and his family you can give him, so her knows you are thinking of him.

Answer 4

my sister chose open adoption and the family was nice enough to let her visit whenever she is in town and what not~

if i was an adoptive parent and i felt the birth mom or birth family was of sound mind and whatnot then i really dont se ethe problem.

Answer 5

I would not have any problems with our daughter meeting anyone from her first family.  I think it would be harder to wait until they are 18 yrs.  They deserve to know their first family, as far as we are concerned they are a part of our family.  I can't see a conflict arising.

Here are some things that our dd first family does:

1)  They when they buy a gift of (Maya), they also buy a little something for her sisters too.

2)  Whenever they talk to (Maya), if they want her to call them or email them or visit, they say make sure to ask your mom and dad first.

3)  At the end of every conversation, they say tell your mom and dad hi from us.

The first family are all so kind and respectful that they make an open adoption so easy.  

Just email and ask if meeting is something they think is okay for the child at this time.  Good Luck to you!  I hope you get to see your nephew soon.

***Maya is a made up name just for explaining purposes.

Answer 6

Open adoptions, and the rules of them, are very variable and are dependent on the poeople involved.

Write a letter to the adoptive parents asking them their thoughts on the matter.  It is ultimately their decision.  You might find, with a well worded letter, that they are more than happy to establish some contact.  Especially If they have already shown the willingness to send pictures regularly.

Answer 7

I am not a parent, but i am 15 and was adopted at birth. However, I know how my parents feel about the matter. My birthmom died when i was a baby, but her family treat me just like I was never adopted and so I really feel like i am special because I have an extra grandmother and more brothers and sisters.

I have never met my birthdad, but it is my personal choice to wait until i am over eighteen. My parents let me make my own decisions when it comes to that half of my family. There shouldn't be any conflict in you meeting your nephew, if you have communicated with him in the past. You will just feel like part of the family

Answer 8

Children should always be able to know 'who they are' and if they find out by some kind of surprising element it could cause them to be very angry, because think about it .......you always thought that you knew who you are and one day someone surprises you with............Oh have I ever told you ....YOUR ADOPTED!  Talk about an IDENITY CRISIS!

Answer 9

Many adoptive parents are very open to adding additional extended family to the circle of people that are part of our children's lives....

The decision is up to the parents....

But, another Aunt or more cousins...extra grandparents and that sort of extended family should be welcome in a child's life (as long as they are safe of course)--At least this is how I feel about it...

Aunts and Grandmas don't usually (in most cases) live with children so I believe that having a biological family member around now and then should hardly be any different than having any old aunt around....

I would see it as an opportunity to normalize my child's family--not to draw attention to a difference....  "Wow Aunt Soso is comeing to the party too! How exciting we get to spend time with your bio aunt!!!!"

Of course, if you read a little you will find that NOT all AP's share the same feelings so it will boil down to how your nephews AP's feel--or if they are able to normalize the situation... As an Aunt I wouldn't want to make my newphew uncomfortable--and if the AP's are "twitchy" about visits--or say anything around the child which might be taken in a negative way by the child as the Aunt I would back off a little bit...

The great thing about children is that they do grow up and they do define their own relationships once they do (hopefully)! Being open--supportive and interested during the growing up years lays the foundation for knowing and having a great relationship with your nephew once he is an adult....

People are after all grown adults for much longer then they are minors....

His familiarity with your name on cards, letters and those Aunt like gifts during the years--will make that adult relationship far more valuable and possible....

Answer 10

What you're describing is NOT an open adoption, or else you would already know your cousin.

It doesn't sound any different than the CLOSED adoption I grew up in, which sucks.  Sorry.

Answer 11

You have to wait until he is 18 to see if he comes to meet his real family or not.

If he hasn't met you by the time he is 18, you have to wait until he is 21 in order to go find him.

Answer 12

if the adoption is legal they adoptive parents have all the say in who sees the child.

i'm the adoptive mother of my child.  it's an open adoption where visits and direct contact, (not through  an agency)  has been the norm since before she was even born.  my daughter's other mother has become another member of our family and is regarded as such.  i think this is in the best interest of our daughter.  she will always know her other mother and know exactly who she is.  

i think it's very important for the child to have constant ongoing contact with their biological families, as long as no physical or emotional harm comes from it.  not everyone feels this way though, so in your situation it's all going to depend on the adoptive parents.

Answer 13

I would let him meet as much of his family as possible.  That is why I did open adoption when I adopted my son.  Just because he lives with us, and we are his mommy and daddy, does not mean that he should not know all of his family.  We are very open and honest about his adoption, so I think the more open we are with his birth family the easier it is on him.  Why wait until he is 18 years old and has a ton of questions.  The earlier they know about it, I think the better adapted they become to the situation.

Answer 14

Here are the questions you get to answer, from your adopted child:

"Why can't I go home with my real mommy?" or

"You mean that "Aunt Jane" is really my mother? And you've lied to me for the last XX years?"

I like the idea of the biological parents having some say in who adopts their child, if applicable. As for some sort of ongoing contact??? This is a very difficult question. For the stability of the child, I suggest that the weight of good sense is to keep the biological family separated.