Question for anyone who has experience with adoption (adoptive/birth parent, adoptee), just curiosity?

Question

When some people who were adopted choose not to meet their bio 'parents', a lot of people seem to frown on this, and l just wondered why? With all due respect to bio parents, they made a choice (no judgements on that), the adoptive parents made a choice to have the child, and the 'adoptee' makes their own choice when they come of age, why do bio 'parents' often appear to think they have some sort of right to know the child that is (respectfully) no longer theirs? This is just something l've often wondered about, l mean no offense to anyone, just looking for other's thoughts here. For the record, l am an adoptee who's bio parents sought her out, l did meet them and they're nice people, so l'm not bitter, lol, but l don't have any relationship with them, l just have the one set of parents. Anyways, thanks to all who will answer!

Answer 1

We adopted our daughter when she was  not quite a year old.We adopted because I no longer could have children. Our case was closed one thru an agency, but thru someones mistake we always knew our daughters birth name. Our daughter always knew she was adopted, and she has been curious over the years. Well she is well of age now and over the past several years we have been trying to find the birth family as I myself believe she has a right to know where her background is from. Another important thing is she has two sisters out there that I think she has a right to meet. Whether or not she ever wants to meet her B parents is totally up to her and them. I feel she should even if it is just once to answer all of her question because there are always things that need to be known like medical information. I believe in my heart she is our daughter and by finding them I am not losing her to them but they are  and always will be a part of her.

Answer 2

As you say, each person makes a choice.  The problem that I have is that those choices are made on not enough information, bias, and fear.

1. Anyone can contact anyone at any time.  There are no laws that state otherwise.  If after that contact, a person decides that contact is unwelcome, they have every right to say "No thank you, please leave."  The idea that families of origin are to never contact the adopted person is not an idea founded in law.  It is an idea that has occurred by Baby Scoop Era policies where families of origin were told to just move on and never look back.

Also under this point, too often contact is dictated by the adoptive parents.  Whether or not the adopted person wants contact can be overlooked because of fear that the adoptive parents have.  Look at how many questions appear on this site where people ask if they adopt will the child leave them and start calling their families of origin "mom" and "dad."  Look at how many questions asking what we think of who is really mom or who is really dad.  Look at the answers to see that bias and fear.  Society still believes in the closed adoption and baby scoop era policies, regardless of how they impact loss and make that loss worse.

2. An adopted person's identity is shaped by the impressions they have growing up.  While a lot of people insist that the adoption story be told in a positive light, I hardly ever read anyone give the advice to be real about the complex feelings that come from adoption loss.  There is an idea that if the adoptive family is wonderful with it's love, support, financial well being, that effort should remove the issues of adoption loss (abandonment, biological differences of behavior, biological rewiring because of not staying with the family of origin, primal wound issues).  Here is the thing, no amount of wonderful parents is going to remove adoption loss.  No amount of loving adopted parents is going to change the fact that they do have a family of origin out there somewhere.

Mr. Rogers talked regularly about acknowledging children's emotions.  That being sad, angry or upset is okay, and that there are wonderful ways to feel that emotion.  But what about the adopted child then?  The adopted child who is told by society and their family to be grateful for such a wonderful family by the bucketful.  Look at how many questions are asked here about whether it is disrespectful to the adoptive parents that an adoptee searches for their birthparents.  Look at how many adoptees who won't search until their adoptive parents pass away.  Tell me that there isn't a bias in how adoptive people are told to accept their story.

It used to be that once upon a time that I believed everyone when it was said how wonderful adoption is.  I now see how complex it is, and I now see how many people have their heads in the sand when it comes to those complex issues.  Instead of hearing someone say, "I know who my family is and I have no desire to seek those other people out" I wonder if what I really hear is a lot of denial that was formed out of society's fear.

What is so awful to say that a person has an awesome combined history, one formed out of the people who raised that person, and the one that formed from the biological origin.  What is so threatening by that idea?  Why is it either or?

Answer 3

the biological parents of the child feel that they have a right to meat the child because the child is a piece of them. you don’t just give away a child like a sweater. you will love a child that you gave birth to forever. also the decision is usually more about the good of the child than the good of the birth parent. allot of ppl who give up there child feel a great since of loss. it does seem that the ppl who choose not to meet their birth parents or are dead set against meeting them are usually ppl who have not come to terms with there adoption and feel abandoned. that said it is ultimately there decision and they should get to make it and the birth parents should respect that. there is more than one side to the story

Answer 4

I was adopted quite some time ago, and many people have told me to go seek out my bio parents. I have a wonderful family right now, and I think that if I go to see my bio parents, it'll be so awkward. Right now I'm in the U.S. and they're in Ukraine....if anyone knows where that is. I do, just making sure everyone else does!

They might not want to see me, so that's why I havn't mustered up my courage to go see them.  Not all bio parents feel the right to know how their child that they put up for adoption is.  Mine might be looking for me. I don't know. But right now, for now, I'm not looking for them. Maybe when I can get a plane to take me there.....I'll do that in a couple years. But for now, I'm happy not knowing who they are....I often wonder what they look like.....I was adopted when I was two, so I don't remember them, I was in an orphanage since I was five months old......sometimes it upsets me...

Answer 5

Phew, that's a big question!  Well, l'm a mother to bio kids, a child who was adopted, and children who are fostered, but l'm not an adoptee.  All l can say is from my perspective, a child has a right to know everything about their lives that is available to them.  All my children are aware of how they came to be our children, always have been, and our adopted son, along with our foster children and any others we may adopt are awared that at any time in the future, we will give them as much assistance as possible to meet/find info on their birth parents, and will support them 100%, because that is what parents do!  l don't think negatively about people who don't want to seek out their birth parents, everyone is different, and people are curious about different things.  l for one have no interest in geneology, yet my sister loves it!  Neither of us were adopted, genetic history just means different things to different people.  IMO, it's personal choice, just like everything else in life.

Answer 6

While I have never heard of anyone frowning upon an adoptee electing not to meet his/her birth parents, I can tell you from firsthand experience, as well as knowing miriad adoptees and their personal experiences, that this is a natural feeling for adoptees.  Often it is a form of disguised anger at the birth parents for giving them away.  Sometimes it is a defense mechanism--we don't want to be abandoned yet again by them.  For me, it was a necessary step in the maturation process to feel this way--I have only one family, the ones who actually were there for me in my formative years.  

But as I grew older and had biological children of my own, my point of view expanded and I was able to better empathize with my birth parents.  I searched and found them and it is the best thing I ever did next to having children of my own.  No, they will never replace my parents in any way, shape, or form.  It is a relationship unlike any other and is so wonderful and fulfilling in its own right.  Adoptees who are not prepared to have this are depriving themselves, but this is a choice to be made by them alone and nobody has any right to frown upon this choice.  

Having children of my own has helped me to grow as a woman.  Searching for and finding my birth family has helped me come full-circle as a human being.

Answer 7

As a bio mother who has been reunited with her bio daughter, I have to say that I have never heard anyone frown on an adopted child not wanting to meet their bio parents.

Answer 8

i am a biological mother. i had an open adoption and in the paper work i had it stated that i do get to meet her when she is older. i want to make sure that my daughter knows that she was perfect and that she was loved and will always be loved. i wanted her, i still do but i had to do what was best for her. i couldve had an abortion, its not against my religion. and it probably woulve been alot easier on me. but i loved my baby from the moment i knew she existed and i always will. its been 7 years and 4 days. i havent forgotten . i just have to let her know

Answer 9

I think its totally up to the child if they want to meet their biological parents..

As for the parents seeking out the children they gave away, there are many reasons..

I think some people are curious ..

Some have many reasons for giving up a child.. a lot of the time its a young unwed mother with no means of support and parental pressure..

Sometimes it has to do with money.

Sometimes their bf or husband left them..

Sometimes even rape..

Some though just didn't want a child..

There are many many reasons a woman will give up her child and you are right.. in a way that if they gave them up they should not be allowed to contact them in later years.. but each case is different .. and if they do try to contact that child, the child should decide if they want to meet them..

So if the child wants to know she/he has a right to know... and that should be the child's decision.. sometimes they too might be curious, need a health background etc...

But adoptive parents wanted them enough to go seek a child that needed a family...and they are really +The Family+ .. of that child..

This is my opinion...

Answer 10

I am a bio parent, and OBVIOUSLY you don't know all of us.  Because the majority, while we would like to meet our children, do not think we have ANY right to anything involving the kids.

Your situation is ONE among millions.  

Please refrain from wrapping ALL bio parents up into the WRONG package with yours.

**Closed adoption does not always mean the kid was taken away, either.

Answer 11

That's actually one of my fears. I'm a birth mom and my little girl is in a great home with loving parents. She's in open adoption so me and her bio dad are allowed to see her and spend time with her and she'll know who we are when she gets older. Giving up Ari was the hardest thing me and her father did there was aot of pain and tears but we know we did the right thing for our child. I dont have any claim on ari at all and if she gets older and decides that she doesnt want me in her life i will respect that and leave.  In my opinion i just think bio parents want back the child that they gave up even though they knew what they were doing to begin with. But sometimes the child has a great life and decides they really dont want to meet there bio parents which is always there choice. Its not easy to make a choice that not only effects your future but of a whole other persons as well. I dont know what mine and ari's future will be if we will still be close are not but i know that i will always love her and that the choice i made i made for her.

Answer 12

I understand what you're saying.  I think you are right that it should be up to the adoptee whether or not they want to meet bio parents, not the bio or adoptive parents.  However, if there is an arrangement that the adoptive parents will give information/pictures periodically to the bio parents, they should honor that.  Even though I don't think bio parents have a "right" to a relationship with a child they gave up for adoption, people should be very aware of what a big loss the bio parents have experienced.  I can see that they would be hurt if their bio child didn't want to meet them.

Answer 13

One thing to remember is that not all children who have been adopted were "given up" by their biological parents. Many of thse children were taken from their biological parents for all kinds of different reasons.

Our adoption was a closed one. The records are sealed and my son's birth mother doesn't have any information on where he is. This wasn't my decision (it was the county's), but it's actually fine with me. If my son chooses to seek out his birth mother, I will help him when he is 18.

Answer 14

My brother and I were both adopted. His biological mother and father sought him out.  I still have no desire to meet them.  My family is my family, and the woman who gave birth to me is nothing more than a perfect stranger.

Everybody has different feelings on whether they want to meet their biological parents or not, but I think it should be left up to the adopted child whether or not they want to meet them.  Not all children have the feeling of regret that the biological parents have, and therefore do not deserve to have their lives interrupted by strangers.

Forgive me for sounding bitter, and I want until this situation happened to my brother.  It upset him very much, and could have been avoided.