Question for people who adopted internationally?

Question

Did you choose to keep your child's name as is, give him or her a new name, or choose a new name and keep the other name as a middle name? I'm not trying to start a controversy but I'm wondering because oftentimes the children are named by someone other than their mother. Also, some names are hard to pronounce and can cause other children to tease.

Also, at what age did you tell your child about his or her circumstances? My cousin adopted three children and talked about it with them from when they were really young. She mainly just said that adoption made them extra special because even though their mommies loved them, they weren't able to keep them and she chose to adopt them because she loved them so much. As far as I can tell, they've never seemed to have any crises about their adoption but the eldest is only eleven so I'm not sure if that would present itself at a later time.

Answer 1

I have three children from two different countries.

Rather than sending our children to culture classes on their own, we've found groups of immigrants from our kids' countries that let the whole family come & participate. These new friends of ours are really kind about including us in their celebrations and shopping for us when they go back to visit their native country. They try to teach us the customs & manners that all people in their community would know. We do make food from both our kids' home countries as well. We have pictures of their first families and the villages they lived in around the house.

As for telling them "about their circumstances", two of my children were older, so they tell me instead of me telling them.  Our other son was a toddler, and I don't remember when we told him, it's just always been out there. I think that's better, and less traumatic for him.

Name changes- for us, the names have been tricky.  We tried to do the right thing.  We didn't change our first son's name. When we found his mother, though, she told us she had never named him but brought him right to the orphanage after he was born.  She HATED the name the orphanage gave him. His name meant something like "father's honor" and as the reason she gave him up had to do with the father, she was really angry about that.

Our other two children are from Africa. We kept our daughter's name, but she has been asking us to change it.  We're going with a nickname for now.  Her brother's name sounded exactly like a girls' name here in America so we changed his name to the boy version of it.  (Like Dean instead of Deanna or Paul instead of Paula).

eta: About speaking to the teachers, I just don't do it.  They know the children are adopted, so I don't like to make a big fuss and single them out.  I don't know about the teachers being sensitive covering topics like Vietnam because there's an adoptee in the class.  Instead, it was more an issue of me talking with my daughter at home before Black History Month came upon us.  Slavery and civil rights are a lot to explain to a first grader all at once.  But I'd never suggest the teacher gloss over it in class, because I think all that really needs to be taught as honestly as humanly possible.

The only time I wanted to talk to a teacher was when my daughter from Africa first started school mid year.  We had learned some things from working at home with her about what methods worked best for her and what would get her all frustrated.  So we told those few things to the teacher, and things went really well.

Answer 2

I have covered all your topics of concerns at http://www.adoptive-parenting.com

I am an adoptee and adoptive mother. I changed the names of my girls but only after much dilberation.

As for telling the children - immediately upon adoption and forever after let them know they were choosen and loved.

Answer 3

Hi!  Great questions.

We adopted two school-age siblings from Liberia, about two years ago.  They are currently 12 and 7.

We added to their names, but they chose to keep their first names.  Their names were given to them by their Liberian mother, so we didn't want to change them.   We did add American middle names (which the kids agreed to) and tacked our surname to the end.  So their names go: (Liberian first name) (American middle name) (Liberian surname) (American surname).   Their names are typical Liberian names and are uncommon in America, but there really hasn't been any teasing issues.  

Our children already know their circumstances... well.. given the circumstances!  My daughter especially was old enough to understand what adoption meant.  We do talk about adoption frequently, when the children are in the mood to talk about it.  Sometimes, I get the pre-teen eye roll thing from my daughter when I mention something about adoption.  Overall, the children were well prepared for adoption, a new family and coming to a new culture.  The orphanage they resided in was run by our agency, so the agency was actively seeking homes for the children that were legally relinquished to them for adoption.  The children had picture albums of us while the adoption process was ongoing, had seen other adoptive parents come to get their children, so when we arrived, we were greeted with hugs and welcomes.  

As far as schooling, my daughter especially has needed extra support in school.  Arriving to America at age 10, she was basically at a kindergarten level, educationally.  She is quite intelligent and very motivated to learn, but just didn't have the educational exposure that American children have.  Our school has been extremely supportive, especially considering that she has fallen through all of the cracks, as far as qualifying for state support.  She doesn't qualify for ESL because English is the official language of Liberia.  Nevermind that it's an entirely different dialect, actually closer to Creole than anything else!  But she also didn't qualify for any speech pathology assistance to help her with pronounciation and understanding American English (as we call it), because her difficulty lay in language.  Go figure.

We also enrolled both children in Kumon, for additional math and reading support.  Even for my youngest, who just finished kindergarten.  Most American kids know their ABCs and 123s at like 4, while my younger son was learning them for the first time.  Our goal for my daughter is to catch her up to her age-peers, or at least as close as possible.  We want our son to improve his foundation concepts so that he can succeed educationally.  

But there is a whole bunch of "common knowledge" that the children simply don't know.  My daughter came home from school one day and announced that there was this place called "China" and that they "had a New Year!"  They both just absorb new knowledge and immediately incoporate it into everyday speech, which we notice in a larger vocabulary as well as expressions, like "heavier than a humpback whale!"  Both picked up computers very quickly and love educational computer games.

We have made friends and contacts with African immigrants in the US that help the children keep connected (or rather, learn about) their culture of birth.  My children lived in Liberia during a 14 year long civil war.  Civil wars have a habit of killing a culture, so they are actually learning more about West African traditions from immigrants in the US!  My daughter's hair is braided by a West African immigrant, we have recepies from them (though getting some of the ingredients can be difficult.  we've had to improvise).  Still, they love pizza, cheeseburgers and ice cream too.  And Chinese hot and sour soup (extra spicy) over white rice is better than my best attempt at pepper soup, according to the children.  

Anyway, great questions.  Hope this answers some of them!

Answer 4

Hi Tango,

Keep the child's name.

Tell the child right away about their adoption, honesty is best.

Don't tell the school.  No need to label your child.  If there are issues and your child wants you to come and explain adoption to the other kids in her class, then do it.  Adoption is my child's story to tell, unless she asks for my help.

Culture is a must.  You can never do too much.  Make sure the whole family is involved in your child's culture.

Best of luck to you:)

Answer 5

Though I have not adopted I plan to in the future.

I would keep the childs name, espically if I found out that the mother named the child.

You cousin did what I personally believe is the right thing by telling the child right from when they are young. Being adopted is part of who they are, and they have the right to know. I am completly disgusted when I hear of stories of children who found out when they where adults or parents who just straight out never told there child.

And your last question, I don't see at all why it is the teachers business. Or why you should be calling them up and saying "yeah my kids adopted". Things like that just should not matter. You don't go to the teachers of your other children and say "yeah this kid was concieved biologically and then these two over here are adopted".

Answer 6

We adopted from India a number of years ago.  Our daughters name at the time was Nermala.  Not necessarily a name that fits in with a white western family and since she was going to be growing up with us we decided to change it.  

Rather then change it to something totally western we chose a mid point.  We picked a name that sounds western but which has a connection to where she was born.  In our case, we chose Alisha which, as you can see, sounds western but does have an Indian (muslim in this case, and not hindu although India has both naturally) meaning.  We've never regretted it and she much prefers it to what she was born with.

Also, given the fact that she is darker then the rest of us we have never hidden it from her and really never had to have a sit down conversation about it all.  It's just who we all are.  We speak with her teachers at the beginning of the school year in the same way we speak to our other daughters teachers.  We never bring up the fact she is adopted unless they ask although it's pretty obvious.  We've luckily never had a problem that I can put my finger on.  We live in a very multi cultural area so it's not that difficult to just "be".

Answer 7

I have never adopted, but I have always felt that in these situations it is important to be honest with the child from an early age so that he/she knows they were adopted.  You don't EVER want to put it off only to have them find out from somebody else.

Also, I think it is so important to keep the child's original name...whether you do it by making it the middle name, or make some dirivitive of it that is easy to say and spell in English.  Its important to make sure the child is not burdened with a name that will make life difficult, however, taking the name completely seems almost wrong.

Answer 8

OK there are many questions here.  I will state i did not adopt internationally but know many who did my answer will be from what i know from their experiences.  One yes they changed the childs name because there were to difficult for the average person to prounuce.   also all of the ones i know the kids were like two or three when adopted so they knew they were adopted.   As for school none of the people i know personally have school aged kids yet. I think that in most cases History teacher do try to be culturally sensative.  In my classes  even though we were of all one race and heritage we were allways told the other side of the story.  Even in college when it was more diversed history teachers really try to show the hole picture.    

Finally about the culture thing.  I think that learning about the cultures etc is important but none of the families i know take and active part in that.  One exception is a lady i work with who has taken her adoptive kid (well the hole family) back to the home country  and even to the orphange.  They continue to send money to the orphange and have seen it come up from a shack to a modern building over the years.  they don't cook native food though and the child does not know the lanuguage