Question regarding disciplining a child when that child was previously physically abused?

Question

This question is only to those who believe in spanking.

Let's suppose that I have became the legal guardian of a younger cousin a boy who is to move into my home and live with myself and my children . And this younger cousin has been physically abused previously while being spanked as in they were injured and the prospect of being spanked of course would terrify them . Well lets say i spank my children when i deem neccesary . My first inclination would be don't do it to my younger cousin , but there is a real conflict here because when the younger cousin needs to be disciplined if i don't discipline him in the same manner as my children it seems unfair .. How should i handle this ?

Answer 1

i would say keep disciplining your children as you did before, as long as it's working for you and them, and it would probably be a good idea to stick to time outs with the cousin....you don't want to drive the poor thing to insanity by bringing back repressed memories

Answer 2

Wow, that IS tricky.  I would say this one is going to take some mature, responsible insight on the part of the parent.

I think I would wait on the spanking until the cousin knew I was not an abuser.  He/she would come to know this by living in my home for a length of time that enabled him/her to see that when I give a spanking to my own children, it's never done abusively or in anger. The cousin would see that anytime my own children got a spanking it was done in love, with gentle firmness and always followed up with lots of hugs, explanation and love.  

My own children know that a spanking is Biblical and right so they never question my  intent when they get a spanking.  They also know for which transgressions they will earn a spanking, so when they DO get a spanking, it comes as no sup rise to them and it is as if THEY made the choice themselves.  

I think it would be very important to get the cousin to the same point of understanding  of the concept of a spanking and the difference between the abuse he suffered and a spanking done the right way.  I would also wait until he/she was at a point mentally and emotionally hat he/she could SEE the difference, but in the meantime I would  not cease desciplining my own children in the usual manner.  That would only cause much confusion.  I would take time to explain to my children what is going on in term that were age appropriate.

This one would be tricky to deal with and if you are dealing with it, I send you my best..good luck.

Answer 3

I am not anti spanking, but in this situation, you may need to consider removing spanking from your discipline list.  Not just to the cousin, but to your kids as well.  I understand its not really what you would have planned to do other wise, but clearly the circumstances as a whole arent what you would have planned.  While I understand that spanking is not abuse, since this child HAS been abused, he may not understand the difference.  If you pay much attention to this board or want to search the spanking questions, most of the anti-spankers were abused.

There are plenty of other discipline methods.  How old is he?  Time out?  Grounding?  Removal of privledges?  Adding of extra chores.

The key here really isnt the method, but the consistency.  If he isnt supposed to do it, he needs to be disciplined every single time.  You may also want to lay out the rules and specifically what the punishment will be for him.  A lot of times abused children will be so terrified of more abuse that they will fear discipline altogether.

You should also consider finding a local support group for families with abused children, as well as make sure he is getting 1 on 1 counseling with a professional.

Answer 4

There are plenty of ways to discipline children that does not involve physically hitting them.  I consider those that 'spank' their kids to be ignorant of their resources, and they are more likely to spank out of anger.  The most effective form of punishment is whatever that individual child respons to best.  The worst possible thing I could threaten my daughter with is having no time on the computer, phone, or with friends.

Answer 5

Every child is different and that is all you have to say to your children. It is not unfair to your children because there are other circumstances with the cousin then they are with them. Plus if you are going to discipline any of your children you shouldn't do it in public. You should do it privately. Every cild is different and that is all you have to tell your children.

Answer 6

If it is terrifying him, then dont do it. Time out's and taking away priveleges work just as well. make sure u are rewarding good behaviour as well though, otherwise he will think he's only gettin attention when he does bad things, which might encourage him to do more of.

Answer 7

There are other disciplinary techniques that are just as effective, maybe more so. Spanking this child would not be fair to him, and it is definitely not the same as spanking your other children.

This child was physically abused, and being spanked now would be traumatic and might cause permanent damage to his psyche.

If you're worried about your kids feeling that it is unfair, then explain to them why you need to do things differently with this other child. They will understand, and even if they don't, it wouldn't be right to mentally torture this other child (and that's what it would be) so that the other kids don't complain.

If you need ideas for disciplinary methods for a given situation, please feel free to e-mail me.

Answer 8

It is not unfair at all. Explain to your children that your cousin has different needs, and needs a different kind of attention. By no means should you spank the poor child, he's already been through h**l.

Answer 9

Yes, all children need to be fairly disciplined and discipline is only effective if it works.  While spanking may be totally effective for your kids, it is probably not the best for this cousin.  You have your hands full as far as helping this child deal w/the past abuse, which is very comnedable. Find something else that will be effective for him.  Spanking was  "mis-used" in his case, so it most likely would only further harm him.  Try to keep your other "spankings" behind closed doors and explain to your kids that spanking is not the "right" thing for Bobby and that since you are the adult, you will decide on another form of discipline. It doens't have to be the "same" to be "fair" it just has to be appropriate.  Assure your kids that Bobby will not be allowed to get away w/murder, but he does need a little bit of a break since he was not shown the right way to handle things.  good luck!

Answer 10

First, I'm not against spanking. However, if the child was previously physically abused I would definitely not treat him the same. Because it would just cause fear in the child, and possibly distrust/rebellion later on. I would honestly have to use some of Super Nanny's advice and get a naughty mat or take something of value away from him (I don't know his age).

I would also discipline your children individually and away from others that way they cannot see what punishment is being given and say you are unfair.

Answer 11

I 100% agree with Bugz

Answer 12

A slap on the hand is fine,but you need to work with some professionals get him some counseling ,other wise if you hit him to punish him you will have more problems

Answer 13

You simply explain to your kids that had they been beaten by someone they would not get spanked either, but they have not. I would think they would have empathy for your cousin. In time maybe the same rules would apply but not from the get go, give him time to settle and see if he will even need a spanking. People who beat have anger issues, he may have been doing things that would not have warranted a spanking even for your kids.

Make your rules clear to him (in a caring way) when he moves in along with what your consequences are so he knows what will happen if he breaks the rules.

A lot of this would depend on his age and your kids age, if they could understand all this.

Answer 14

Just a quick one I personally have experienced physical abuse which is by definition physical harm and it's usually employed when the person is angry or frustrated and just lashes out because it's the quickest and most convenient way to regain control.

In my experience I found it very difficult to respect or even care in the end whether I was beaten or not. If I behaved myself I was ignored when I misbehaved or at least they thought I was I got 'Some' attention. I would say that there are lots of programmes on TV that help kids and parents. Certainly online there are websites with help and support.

It's really important that you treat children in the same household the same way, but I also feel that physical violence is never even the last resort since it never works and continues to breed more of the same behaviours.

You could also check out your local library to find books that will help you find healthier ways to react and respond to bad behaviour. Continuity is the key and remember children don't think the way adults do since they have little or no life experiences to show them how to be, where as adults we have lots of options, and can act before things get out of hand and we feel violence is all they understand. That way leads to disfunction and heartache.

It costs a lot in terms of physical emotional and mental pain to get where we are today we might consider putting at least that much positive energy into changing the way things are, through say family counselling. But I also know that the TV programmes have lots of ways and ideas to help everyone get what they need. Such as the house of tiny tearaways, and Supernanny. The advice offered is just as relevent to older children as it is to little ones.

Hope this helps

Liz