Question to others who were adopted or people who just want to give advice?

Question

So who else has met their parents after being adopted? What did you think when you met them? Were you disappointed? Or were you happy with what you got?

I feel kinda wrong because i met my biological family about 3 years ago. I really feel like i dont want them in my life. They constantly fight with each other and talk c**p and spread rumors. Theres so much drama its ridiculous. My 17 year old sister is about to have her 2nd child. she had he first at 14. mother and father are divorced and my father only calls if he needs money or to fuss that he needs money for lortabs, percocets or weed. ( which i do none of them) i have a 4 month old son that my father has seen maybe 4 times and lives 15 minutes away. My mother has seen him maybe 3 times and lives about an hour away. She can only talk about herself and never listens to my problems. I just feel like i did without them for 18 years y do i need them now. Is this feeling wrong?

Answer 1

My bfamily was a great disappointment.  I always knew that my adoption was a success, now I know what a resounding success it was!  

However, I have some fantastic extended bfamily that I really enjoy.

Answer 2

Ah - the adoptee conundrum - always caught in the middle.

Most families are pretty screwy - or at least have their dark parts - whether they're adoptive or biological.

The sad thing for adoptees - is it puts us in a place of wanting to please everyone - and rarely looking after our own needs and desires.

If this family is causing you so much grief - you have every right to pull away from them.

My words will probably not lesson the guilt that you will feel - as that is what most adoptees feel - no matter which way they turn - but I hope to convey that you're not alone - and you have every right to feel confused and pissed off by what you have to deal with.

Adoption makes 'family' even harder than normal.

In fact it makes things completely screwy at times.

There are no books on this stuff - as every person and reunion is different from the next.

Most are just making it all up as we go along.

I have met one sister so far - who was also given up for adoption before me.

I haven't yet met the rest of the family - but we are in email contact.

It's been an absolute rollercoaster ride of emotions - for sure.

But I have no regrets.

I've finally been able to find out my truth.

My mother is a mess. Severely traumatized from being forced to give up two children for adoption - by her mother.

I don't think mother's can truly ever 'get over' losing children - whether to death - or to adoption.

(especially since she was never allowed to talk/grieve about the loss - just told to move on)

But - whatever - you have to do what is 'healthy' for you - you can't take on their sh*t - no matter what you do.

(although - I know it's hard - in fact it's extremely complicated)

A place full of adoptees - that is very supportive - is the Adoptee Forum - feel free to pop over any time you please -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I'm wishing you all the best.

Answer 3

I'm adopted and I've met both of my bio parents. I'm lucky in that they're both very nice and they and their families have been very  welcoming. I'm still struggling with issues because any reunion is a bit of a rollercoaster, but I've been luckier than many others.

But I think that if you don't like your family, whether they're bio or adopted, you have no obligation to stay in contact with them.

And no, your feeling's not wrong. Feelings aren't wrong. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Do what's right for you and your son.

Answer 4

I am sorry your natural family is not desirable.  It is your choice to stay in contact or not and then how often.  Lean on the advice of the parents who raised you.  

I gave a daughter up 18 years ago and out of respect for her parents, I pretty much stayed away, we had the occasional letter of information but no visits.  2 years ago my mom died, they visited her often, and I got to "meet" her.  We now email each other and last summer we, my husband and 2 of his kids, went to visit.  She has known all along that she was adopted and why, her parents told her.  I was told to abort the pregnancy because there were complications but I had her, she was healthy and now a beautiful young woman.  I believed her when she said she was happy to stay in touch.  If she would have said no, I would respect her wishes.  

Do what you need to do.  If that means cutting your birth family out of the picture at least for awhile, do it.

Answer 5

I haven't found my family yet, but I know the possibilities range from truly connecting on a deep level to not wanting these people in my life at all.  Then there's "their" feelings - whether they want to know me or not, who might or might not be still alive.

Many people have the feelings you have about the family (bio or adoptive) that raised them.  If you are uncomfortable, there is nothing wrong with easing yourself out of more than casual contact.  You don't owe it to anyone to keep a dysfunctional family in your (and your son's) life.

Answer 6

Sounds like you found a family that you were lucky to get out of. My husband's family is like that, he was never put up for adoption, but has a really great foster family that is the complete opposite.

You don't mention what the family that raised you is like, I assume they are normal. Maybe you should cut the ties with the biological family. Change your #, move if at all possible.

I know you probably wondered forever about your real parents, but I don't think it is wrong of you to regret finding them. You invisioned the perfect family, when in reality if it were a perfect family you wouldn't have been placed where you were.

I would just put myself into healing me. If you have a family, put your efforts into that. Do something healthy for you.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

umm, idk if i can help, my parents are trying to put me up for adoption right now, only because i am "not important anymore" to them, am i supposed to forgive them?

I think not, and you shouldn't either...

(i am 12)