Question to people who have been adopted?

Question

I have read a lot of "rants" in the adoption section about how adoption is wrong and stealing children from there family etc. etc. Obviously you were adopted because A. you were put up for adoption when you were an infant or B. you ended up in foster care for one reason or another. So would you rather just grow up in the "system" and not have a family? I don't get it. I understand the pain involved with not knowing who your birth mother/father are and that tramatic things may have happened to you and that is why you ended up in foster care. I don't understand people who say "infertile parents need to just except the fact that they are infertile and not adopt babies or children". So if there is no one there to adopt these children, what happens? You just end up sitting in foster care with NO family the rest of your life? That blows my mind. It is not like adoptive parents are robbing these children, they are in foster care and need homes. Please help me understand.

Answer 1

I noticed while reading  these posts there is alot of hatred toward those who want to adopt "White newborns". While I understand, as I was one, that there are alot of kids in foster care that need adopting, do you not see the sadness in a mother giving birth to a child in extreme poverty. Do you think that child if left with their birth mother would have a better life just because it will be with its birth parent??  If a parent would rather "sell" their child to adopted parents do you not see that as their own fault. I know if someone would have offered me money when I had my first "white" son I wouldn't have taken it. I had no money at that time, I had to depend on the state but because I truly loved my child I would rather deal with struggling at the beginning than accept money. when a parent gives their child up for money to adopted parents then the birth parent didn't deserve the child. The adopted parents did a good thing. Stop ranting about the tearing apart adoptive parents do. If anything they are saving that child from misery.

Answer 2

Well I am partially adopted sounds weird but yeah, when I was a little girl my mom and biolgical father had a falling out and ended up getting a divorce, he never wanted anything to do with me, my mom was very open and always told me if I wanted to meet with him again or contact him she would be happy to help me find him. The last time I saw him I was 5, he never did anything for me, he let my dad (the man who i consider my father) adopt me, which I am thankful he did I have a much better life then I would have. I know this b/c I found this man about 5 months before my wedding I am now 25 and got married this march. I decided to talk to him and see what he had to say, I never had any negative thoughts of him, my mother never put him down or stopped me from seeing him, but he never even tried. He acted like I was suppose to be so happy to find him, but instead I came to the conclusion of what a dead beat he was, especially when he spoke of my deceased grandmother in a way I didnt appreciate. I may only be partially adopted but my dad is a wonderful person, he gave me a life I would of never had with my biological father. Some kids who are adopted dont understand what a wonderful thing their biological parents may have done. if I couldnt provide for my children and gave them up its because I knew I wouldnt be able to take care of them the way I should. I think these kids should be thankful

Answer 3

I think the people ranting about adoption are ridiculous!!! Adoptive parents are looking for someone to love and the children the are adopting are kids who have been abandoned! It does not always mean that their biological parents did not love them but they either were not ready or could not take care of them. They should be appreciative! I know not all kids end up with good families and I am sorry for them. But the good adoptive parents don't deserve to be bashed because of mistakes they did not even make!

Answer 4

What you don't seem to understand is that there is FINANCIAL incentive for the separation of families.  

The money for agencies and attorneys from potential adopters has created a demand for a product (infants, pref. white) that cannot be met by the current supply.

Because of this, these entities, agency 'professionals', attorneys, and adoptive parents are not cognizant (or don't care) about what happens to families.  The 'professionals' want their fees, and the PAPs want their babies.

Just like the saleperson at the Honda dealership, cars must be sold to get a paycheck.  Babies must be procured  to be fed into the system, or no dinner for oh-so-caring social worker lady, and concerned-for-your welfare adoption attorney.  Get it?

Women are pushed into giving up their children because there is ENORMOUS social pressure to give the child to people who can seemingly provide the material goods that Americans value so much.

The adoptees you speak of are WANTED desperately by many parents, last I read, it was 90 couples to every 1 baby.  Foster care is a different story, yes, there are thousands who do not have legal parents who need help.  I don't know of anyone here who is against adopting from foster care.

Everyone wants the babies--the children who already have families.

Answer 5

I'm glad you've read "rants" about the unethical problems of adoption, now try comprehending them instead of trying to justify your "conflict of interests".  Feel free to post questions about the difficulties faced with infertility and how you can go about dealing with it in a way where its not going "use" another woman or emotionally "destroy" another family and a child.  Children shouldn't be created or taken from families in poverty for the sake of couples that don't want to address the psychological problems created from their problem of infertility.

Answer 6

People who are so bitter, are just bitter, period.  They honestly believe that foster care is preferable. It is easy to blame your own problems on something like adoption.  It is like the victims of the regressive abuse scandals of years gone by.  When the smoke cleared did everyone understand that nothing was there.  It was all about some narcissistic individuals yelling about their pain, and s***w everyone else.  Just ignore them, they are sick.

Answer 7

i was adopted at almost five years old.  people who rant against adoption have no idea.  sometimes i feel like calling them wicked, sometimes i'm more generous and think they're simply misinformed.  i have memories from the first few years of my life and it took a lot of love for me to grow into a healthy person.  i've heard people call adoption theft!  i'm like, are you crazy? fine, if that's the case i'm d@mn glad i was stolen!

Answer 8

People looking after other peoples children, that is one thing. When the mother is absolutely incapable, or unwilling, to care for her child. then adoption is a valid choice.

That is not what happens anywhere. In the US there are price lists for children. Black boys are a lot cheaper than white baby girls. Does that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

To know how much some of us were brought for after women were told we're dead?

It is a business. What happens to a business if it runs out of babies? It is supply and demand. There is so much demand for children, that they find ways to meet it.

How many businesses are there to assist with adoption? How much money is generated there?

How much money goes into seeing that babies stay with their mothers?  

It's the fact that it is big business. We are brought and sold like pets. You don't like us, just send us back.

Send us to somewhere that brought us, so we can have a 'better' life.

What do you think is a better life, having a computer, designer clothes, or would you rather be with your real mother?

That's all it is. MONEY. That's all we are, a way of making money.

That's why it's wrong. Follow the money.

Answer 9

I was in the foster system and I would have rather been adopted.  I can tell you the foster system is NO way to a child should be raised.  The damage the system does on the child is immense.  And most of those kids would love to have a home and a family that cares and loves them.

Answer 10

In a perfect world, no one would give up their children or abuse them in the first place.  The fact that your first family either rejected you (no matter the reason), or didn't have the willingness or ability to care for you (again, no matter the reason) HURTS.  I know first parents who honestly believed they were doing the right thing once upon a time...and then they realized that it's painful to be separated from the person who grew inside you, and it's painful for the person who grew inside you to grow up without you.  And it does NOT matter why.  It STILL hurts.  Even if the reason was the best reason under the sun, it STILL HURTS!

Infertility is a totally different subject, and has nothing to do with adoption.  Just because someone isn't able to produce their own children, that does not give them the right to someone else's child.  There are plenty of options for infertile folks that don't include adoption.  Infertility is about adults - adoption is about KIDS.  And adoption should only ever happen when it is absolutely necessary, which means that the child was abused or neglected.

I do not believe that most adoptive parents have any interest in snatching a child from the loving arms of their parents.  HOWEVER, the overwhelmingly positive views on adoption that you find in the general public tend to lead people to believe that adoption is a good thing (totally ignoring the pain that is inherently involved in losing one's family, usually for no good reason), which then leads people to believe that THEY should adopt.  The more people who decide to adopt, and have the funds to do so, the more there is pressure to give these paying customers what they need.  Young, unmarried, poor women are convinced that they aren't good enough to be a mother, that their child would be better off with people who are older, married, have more money (as though a baby gives a c**p about any of that in comparison to being shoved into a strange situation that they have no control over).  Women in other countries are shipped off to baby farms, where their captors are paid a few hundred bucks for each adoptable baby that's produced.  Poor, uneducated women in other countries are convinced that if they sell one of their children, they will one day be able to come to their child's country of residence and retire there, cared for by their adult adopted child.  

As a general rule, lies, secrecy, and coercion accompany the painful separation of family members for ridiculous reasons (like poverty) that then results in adoption.  How can anyone be expected to have GOOD feelings about it?  Even children who were abused and removed from their families for a good reason shouldn't be expected to have positive feelings about losing their family (who SHOULDN'T have abused them, who SHOULD have treated them with kindness and love, who SHOULD have, in a perfect world, parented them in the first place), and being plugged into a strange family (regardless if that new family is "good" or not).

No matter how you slice it, the pain that adoption (usually) causes isn't worth it unless it's a necessity, and even then, the pain should NEVER be negated or ignored simply because the child recieved what each human being should be entitled to in the first place: an emotionally stable, loving family.

ETA:  "Legal" is not always the same as "ethical" or "necessary".

Answer 11

You are right Beth many people seem to think that every child is given up due to poverty or  the birthmother conceived/forced  into placing. Some truly feel its the best thing, and in some cases it is.

I feel much the same way that Randy B posted; I have never felt hurt over being adopted. I am thankfully every day that this is the family the lord wanted me to be with. Not the clearly closed minded/unstable family I was born into.  

Maybe in the prefect world but this world is not prefect and it never ever will be. A prefect world would contain no racism, no hate, no wars, everyone would live in peace/harmony , everyone would have a home, no one would live on the streets and  and everyone would be extended family.

Answer 12

I am an adoptee. I had bad adoptive parents. I have also found my biological parents. I don't normally bash adoption in general but laws do need to change. the baby or child is the one supposedly being protected and our lives bettered but we are offered no choice about what happens to us nor are we offered any knowledge when we get of age on our biological ancestory. laws need to change so that when you have a situation that both sides want to know, we can without having to jump through hoops and years of searching and in some cases, lots of money spent on the searches.

Answer 13

What would happen if there were no adoptive parents to rescue the children given up?

Well, if adoption wasn't an option, then wouldn't the mothers end up keeping their children or wouldn't their family end up somehow raising the child?

True there are cases where children are taken from their parents for any number of reasons, and most people that I know don't think foster-adoption is terrible...but how it is done certainly can be. Most potential adoptive parents I've ever run into just want a healthy infant that they can raise and pretend that it is their own biological child. Another problem with adoptive parents is cutting children off from their heritage and expecting them to just forget the trauma they've experienced (and continue to experience) as a result of their abandonment (whenever that my have happened)

Answer 14

Well, since you asked directly, I'll answer directly.  I was adopted and I've never had any of the regrets that the ranters seem to have.  I've also adopted, along with my wife, two children and you know, our lives have not fallen apart and we are all happy, healthy and well adjusted.  

Personally, I've never made any attempt to locate my bio parents.  I don't resent anything they have done and I wish them no ill will (if they are still alive) but for me, my parents are the people who raised me, cared for me each day and loved me enough to bring me into their lives.  I guess I go by the old saying that "anyone can be a parent but it takes someone special to be a mom or dad".  For me, my mom and dad are who raised me.

Answer 15

i was in foster care and i was adopted thru the state...they chose my parents from a group of three that wanted my half brother and i ..he was an infant i was two and a half.....they chose the wrong parents.....i was sexually abused by the man who made me call him daddy for 17 years and they beat the c**p out of me and my brother...i am now 37 i know the difference between good parents and bad as i have two kids of my own a 17 year old boy and a 12 year old girl....they know i love them....they know i was adopted they do not claim my adoptive parents anymore than they claim them....they were with me when i found my birth mothers grave...and they understand who that gravestone belongs too..they were with me when i met my birth sister..and understand her kids are their cousins ....do i feel i had a better chance ..i think had my birth dad who i also met last year or at least the man who claims to be....had taken me i think i would have had a life of love...he told me his mother was pissed at him and bitched until she died about him not taking me when they state took all five us from our mother....so you tell me did i get robbbed of a life i could have had or should i be grateful that someone took me in and the quality of life doesnt matter?

Answer 16

Birthmothers call or walk into an adoption agency, facilitator or attorney and ask for their baby to be placed for adoption.  Adoptive parents call or walk into an adoption agency, facilitator or attorney and ask to adopt a child.  And then there are parents who abuse or neglect their child and have them removed from their family.  These parents are given specific criteria to follow in order to get their child returned -- counseling, rehab, classes, etc.  If they do not comply, the children are then legally freed for adoption.  It really isn't neuroscience here.  Aparents, Bparents, adoptees, and  professionals come in all shapes forms and fashion.  Good, bad and ugly.  Not rocket science here.  If all children were automatically cherished and protected forever by capable and appropriate parents, there would be no need for adoption.  But that is a fantasy world.  In this world, there is the need for the community to come together to protect and raise children.  Not all who join in this or any other endeavor in life are the best folks out there.  But I have to truly honor any parent who knows it is best for their child to be parented by another.

Answer 17

Most issues arise not with the adoptive parents but right at the beginning from conception. s*x education, support for first parents and single parents, agencies and social workers  who have no clue what they are doing.

What a lot of adoptive parents don't understand or refuse to understand is that the trauma the child goes through lasts a life time. It's not a one off event, an adopted child experiences times where the hurt and pain comes up throughout their lives. It doesnt matter how brilliant the adoptive parents are. And it also doesn't mean that adoptees lives are failures or they are generally unhappy with their lives. It's just a thing that follows you around everywhere and that they have to deal with from time to time.

I think what people mean about infertile parents is that adoption shouldnt be the last resort, a child is worth more than that. But if it is just the next option rather than a decision that is made because there are no others left then that is fine. And as long as adoptive parents accept and acknowledge that adoption starts with a loss and go with open adoption the child should go on to having a fullfilling life.

I suffered a broken heart younger than anyone should, I am expected to deal with this on my own, stop hurting because I should be grateful for things. As if I'm NOT grateful. I am grateful..for everything...but can't I hurt at the same time?

The latest lifehouse song, broken really reflects my feelings about adoption (not my entire life) been waiting for a song like that for ages.

Answer 18

Just like everything everyones experiences are different.

The people who have had bad experience have the right to a godamm rant if they want one.

Answer 19

Well, I am glad I was adopted because I have a letter from my birth-mother written just after I was born that politely informed me that she was glad to give me life but she didn't want to have me, wanted someone else to love and take care of me, and that I just wasn't born at a convenient time in her life.

My mom and dad (the ones that WANTED and CHOSE me) are awesome. And I am blessed...