Questions about Adoption?

Question

My wife and know of someone that has become pregnant.

She was contemplating abortion, to which my wife responded that we'd adopt in a heartbeat if She felt that she wasn't ready to be a mother.

It now appears that she has accepted our offer, and is willing to have the baby.

My question is that since this situation is unique in the sense that we don't need to go through and Adoption agency. What else needs to be done besides hiring an Attorney?

In addition, please pray for this situation, as the woman in question is under a lot of pressure to get an abortion.

My wife and I are ready to stand by her, and have her be part of the childs life even after the adoption would be final.

Answer 1

Heather, as always, put down a great answer. I too would encourage you to help her keep her child should she choose to do so. I would encourage her to to research the ramifications of adoption for both her child and herself before making such momentous decision. Adoption should not be taken lightly for any of you.

Have you considered becoming a licensed foster parent? You could provide respite care for the mother as well as help other needy children in your area.

If you all agree that it is in everyone's best interest you need to hire lawyers (for both you and the mother), you need to outline an agreement concerning the intended relationship you will have with her and KEEP YOUR PROMISES. You need to be approved for a home study, background check, etc. Your lawyer will help you with the process.

I understand what Tish is saying and I agree with her. It does sound as though you have put some pressure on her, perhaps without realizing it. You need to allow her to make a fully informed and independent decision.

I would say support her as if she is going to parent while getting prepared to step in if you are needed. You can use your new knowledge help other needy children if you are not needed to raise this child.

Answer 2

All you need is an attourney. He or she will work everything out. You will also have to pay the court fees, but the attorney will take care of arranging all of that too.

Sorry about some of the above answers - by asking this question you have opened a huge can of worms in our community even though your question is legitimate. :)

Many people are not happy with how there adoptions were handeled, some mothers were even coerced into giving away their babies. Many mothers just need more support not someone to take away the "problem."

It sounds to me that your intentions are pure. If she agreed to give her baby to you, then she really does not want to abort it. I bet you have talked to her already about the open arrangement, and if there were any ways for her to keep the child herself before choosing adoption.

Good Luck with everything, my prayers are with your adoption triad.

Answer 3

Once you hired an attorney and paperwork is filed you will need to have a home study done.  This can be completed by an agency or the state, your attorney will know more on this.

I know people will say, try to keep the mother and baby together, but sometimes a girl is not ready to be a mother.  What I would recommend is allowing the girl to stay with you as much as possible so she can get to know you better and feels part of your family so she will know the baby is well taken care of.  

If she choose abortion, but is now willing to choose adoption I would not force the issue of her keeping the baby, just allow her to make her choice and let her know how much you love her and the baby.

Answer 4

you and the birth mother need seperate attorneys. mainly one that specializes in adoptions ( domestic) it dosent sound like you are pressuring her at all. maybe you might want to offer to cover some of her medical expenses if she does not have a good health insurance. and possibly offer to pay her attorney fees. offer any other assistance if needed. This must be a hard decision for the birth mother. Im glad she is considering adoption. She should be proud of herself for making that decision. especially giving her baby a chance at a happy life. Best of luck to you all!

Answer 5

You will still need to complete a homestudy and go through the legal process of adoption.  

On a side note, I can't believe some of these responses.  It sounds to me like this couple told their friend, having a crisis pregnancy, that they would help support her, but if she still felt that even with the support she could not parent this child, the couple would be willing to adopt the child.  The expectant mother feels, at least at this point in the pregnancy, that this is the best option as she was feeling coerced by circumstance into having an abortion.

Do I have this right?  Am I understanding this correctly?

Personally, I believe you are offering this lady every support possible, helping her if she chooses to parent, offering to adopt if she feels she can't parent.  The only reason I think that you are getting such negative responses is that there are some respondants who have previously indicated that abortion is preferable to adoption, or alternatively, every infant adoption must be a result of coersion at some level.  

I think you are doing the right thing.  My best advice is make sure this expectant mother is completely educated on the subject of adoption, understanding her rights, and of course, being fully aware that she has the legal and moral option to change her mind.

Good luck to all of you.

Answer 6

hmm.. although i understand you and your wife's desire to parent, the decision should be hers.  if she chooses adoption, that's her choice.  if she choses to parent, that's her choice...and if she chooses abortion, that's her choice too.

pregnancy is not easy. and to talk someone out of terminating and just to "stay pregnant" is not the role of an unrealted entity.

ETA: "Tish ~ I think you missed the point of my question. We have not, nor would we force her to just be pregnant for us."--

no...i disagree. i think i clearly understand your point. it's not that complicated...seriously.

"We are pro life, but in the sense that if it was our choice we would choose life. If you want to have an abortion, go ahead. "

-- wow.. how absolutely "pro-life of you!!!"  so you only want to protect the life of fetuses in the wombs of women who buy into your dogma?? is that the "new pro-life movement?" thanks for not giving a rat's as$ about my kid! but seriously, my kid doesn't need your endorsement to be born....

newsflash... i did not want an abortion, hence, i'm currently 36 weeks pregnant...because... i've made the CHOICE to stay pregnant. let me repeat...I MADE THE CHOICE TO STAY PREGNANT... no one "convinced" me to do it. as such, i CHOSE to deal with all the pain and suffering associated with this pregnancy, with the outcome being a beautiful child that WILL BE PARENTED BY MY HUSBAND AND I. and i strongly believe that any woman should have the same rights...without outside influence.

"But if you were teetering on the fence, knowing that choice one is abortion, and choice two is uncertainty. Wouldn't you want someone you know to offer you what we are offering her?"---

no. i'd want  to have the abiltiy to explore all of my choices and have my friends support in whatever decision i make.your faith is yours...and should not be used to make someone who is "teetering" make a decision.  the role of someone who wishes to support a "teetering" person is to offer ALL options, and allow them to make the decision. without judgement.  isn't that the tenant of christianity??? thou shall not judge?

"My question was what are the steps that we need to have in place for the Adoption process?"

- then why the need to interject all the information regarding her desire to terminate and your wife's suggestion that she stay pregnant? your tone is a bit self-aggrandizing. and you opened the door for this debate.

Answer 7

Please share this link with the young expectant woman. It is quite likely that she has no idea what surrendering her child for adoption will feel like.

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

Or have her email me. I would be happy to share my experiences with her.

I am praying for this situation.

Answer 8

The mother-to-be needs a separate attorney to the one you use and she needs some counselling.

If you are such good friends and willing to support her through the pregnancy, perhaps you would be willing to help her find the support she needs to stay with her baby and be a mother, which would be in the best interest of baby.  Just a thought.

Answer 9

These situations are worrying - because your (you and & wife's) interests are to get a child.

Your interests are not 'what's best for mother and child'.

What's absolutely best for mother and child - is to keep them together - if the pregnancy goes to full term - both emotionally and psychologically - for mother and child.

Can you separate yourselves enough away from your own needs - to support the needs of mother and child???

(will you just dump any relationship with the mother if she a) chooses to abort or b) chooses to parent???)

If separation of mother and child does have to happen - then it must be completely ethical.

Open adoptions are not law enforceable - and I've seen too often - an adoptive couple close up an adoption - and never have contact with the first mother ever again - because they found it all too hard.

I - and many here - just don't want to see that happen - if it doesn't have to happen.

You both need separate attorneys - so that she has someone looking after her best interests.

If you pay for that attorney - that attorney may still look after your best interests.

Your desire to have this child may cloud your heart at times.

A good and loving Christian would try their hardest to help a mother and child stay together - without judgements - without bias - just help them stay together.

I do wish the best for you all.

I just want your eyes to be completely open - and do what's best for mother and child first and foremost.

I lived without my bio family for 38 years.

That hurt.

I personally know hundreds of first mothers and adoptees that feel the same way.

There is a whole heap of loss - in adoption - for mother and child.

Please just be very very aware of their needs - above yours.

Answer 10

I am not sure wut you need to do. I am so happy you have talked this woman out of abortion. I am against it totally.. And I will keep you in my prayers. please email me and keep in contact

[e-mail]

Answer 11

This is considered an "identified" adoption and you likely still need to go through an agency, not just an attorney.  Your costs will be MUCH lower than a typical adoption though.  You still need a home study and that can take up to 3 months to complete...so start now!  If possible, work with an attorney associated with an agency...that is what we did and it worked out great.  That being said...contact someone asap.  Legally, if you provide her anything at all, it MUST be funneled through an agency to ensure that everything is legal - it is against the law to "pay" someone for their child although you can pay for resonable expenses, like housing, medical, etc.  The agency makes sure that everything falls under ICPC guidelines and remains legal.  You would hate to get to the end of the process, have her give up her rights to the child and then find out that you are not legally able to adopt because of some stupid technicality.  As far as costs go, our expenses were under the current tax credit amount, so we got everything we paid out back.  Hope this helps!

Answer 12

Okay the court actually should have a packet (Utah does at least and I believe most if not all do) About adoption. You can hire an atoorney (it is costly) but you can do a lot of it yourself just talking to the courthouse and getting the info they can give you on it. Then if you still have a few questions you can hire an attorney but it would save you a lot of money to do what you can youself, it is pretty self-explanatory and even sometimes clerks can help you with the few questions you have. Most states have the birth mom wait until the child is born to sign away her rights, like I said the court should have an adoption packet. I will have to ask my parents if it had a special name (as they did this with a few of my siblings) Good luck to you both (the birth mom and you guys) I hope everything goes well and that whatever is supposed to happen happens. I'll be praying for her safety and the baby's health and everything inbetween. :-)