Questions about older kids?

Question

My husband and I are considering the adoption of an older child. We’ve read through a good many “horror” stories and the usual collection of dire warnings that ‘these kids won’t behave in a way similar to biological children.’

In our case, though, we neither expect nor desire a blank slate. When we married, we became a family – and this, despite our both having different upbringings and so on. So, too, with a child who enters our lives with a developed personality and a set of expectations.

My question is this: what is the best way to integrate an older child into our family? We want to acknowledge the kid’s prior experiences.

I guess what we really want to know is, can such adoptions be successful? By “success”, we mean of course that the child feels like part of the family, and is behaving in a socially acceptable manner.

If you were an older adoptee, what sorts of things would have helped you fit into a family?

Answer 1

Yes there are lots of success stories. Bad news always gets more attention than good. Most of the time people who have adoptive children that came home after infancy are too busy enjoying their happy lives to post on forums and boards.

By the way, Older means different things to different people. When I hear older I think - teenager. Some people think, a child older than an infant. I have three that came home as toddlers.

I have created several different articles for your review.

http://www.adoptive-parenting.com/older-...

Its a different type of parenting. You must be willing to stretch yourself and go beyond - to meet the needs of your child. I wouldn't say harder simply different. (in my case). There are SO MANY resources - YOU CAN DO THIS!

Answer 2

We were just foster parents to a 12 year old boy.

He had been through unimaginable things.

He still had the ability to attach and wanted to be loved and accepted.

Even though they are older and some times more mature than their peers in some ways, you can still see the little child in them.

The best thing to do to is spend time with him/her doing things together, let him feel involved, be some one he can talk to, and be sure to let him talk about his past good bad and any thing in between.

Making a connection with another adult or responsible teen in your family will help too.

I would talk a ton to him and told him some things about my childhood that he could relate to and it helped him open up.

Part of being successful is making sure you are committed.

Decide what behaviors you can and can not deal with and be sure you are not matched up with a child that has already exhibited those behavior. If they eventually come up anyways you will have to be flexible and just deal with it. Because being a parent means being flexible and dealing with what ever comes your way.

Answer 3

Well, I'm not an adoptee but my mom left me w/ my grandma and never came back, my dad didn't want me said I was a mistake from the start.I am a birthmother too plus I have four other children. I could not ever do my bs like my family.I loved him so much but I didn't have much choice. I spared him the hateful words and intense pain. My advice would be take time everyday as if its the only day.Talk to them about their dreams,goals,ideas and things they hold dear.Take time to laugh w/ each other.

Answer 4

I think this depends on how you define "Integrate" and "socially acceptable manner" more then anything else.

Will "socially acceptable" be your idea, the idea of the foster families parenting the child before you -- or socally acceptable as the child was formed to belive during the most important years of "social development"

And any warnings that an older child from foster care or another country will NOT be like the children we gave birth too, never staved, never beat, never slept on the streets with, and never expected to meet their own needs, should be considered very true.

Many older children do well in adoption.... Many families do great but, my advice is to write down the Top 3 problems you couldn't handle and decide what you would do if you ended up having to deal with them.....

Answer 5

There are a lot of really smart people on this site, I'm sure you will get a diverse set of answers.  Just a little comment from me as to what i have learned as my child grows older.

Its more about what my husband and I do to evolve into our daughters family than her evolving into ours.

Does that make sense?  As a parent of an adoptee, be willing to let down your insecurities and your sense of what a family should be, to learn, grown and evolve into the parents your child needs you to be.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 6

the child will never feel like they are a part of your family bc they are not.

please read primal would by nancy verrier.

Answer 7

We adopted two older children (bio siblings) from overseas.  We were prepared to deal with a pretty wide variety of emotional issues, but honestly, the transition was much, much smoother than we could have expected or anticipated.  We had a few little bumps along the way, but nothing major or traumatic.  

They don't like to eat their vegetables, always want to stay up late on school nights and squabble like any other siblings.  

As to how we integrated as a family, we decided from the beginning that we were going to take our cues from the children.  We parented to the child, not the age.  The first couple of months, both children seemed to regress, which is very common.  They wanted to be held, constant physical reassurances and closeness.  Gradually, they felt comfortable enough not to be in immediate physical contact.  When they were ready, we started school in small doses, allowed family to visit in small doses, and so on and so forth.  

When they showed signs that things were too much, we backed off.  

Obviously our approach isn't a magic bullet, but it did work for our family.