Questions for adoptees?

Question

my boyfriend was adopted, hes lived in one home his whole life and his life is verry stable.he does not know who his parents are or verry much about them and i want to know what is going through his mind and how i can help with any problems that may occur about his parents. when he turns 18 his parents can tell him who they are but im affraid they wont and he'll feel rejected and useless what can i do to help with these feelings?

Answer 1

I'm a 35 year old adoptee.  My adopted family is my family.  I think with some adoptees they knew they could have been aborted.  (At least for me I knew my birth mother loved me but couldn't care for me)  If you want to know what is going through his mind ask.  Don't assume anything.

Answer 2

It sounds as though you're putting your feelings on him.

Maybe he's glad that parents wanted him.  

And doesn't feel like he needs to find the bparent info yet.

Don't push him.  

If at some time in the future he needs to find out he can do that.

Answer 3

Thats nice of you! I was addoped and it is hard to know that your not where you are.  Its hard because You dont know where your parents are, you dont know who they are, you dont know anything about them. all you know that they dident want you.  but the family that your with is nicer than if you were with a differnt family.

Answer 4

What a lovely girlfriend for a guy to have!   Thanks for caring about how adoptees may feel

I would suggest reading a book called 'Being Adopted' by Brodinsky

Good luck

Answer 5

Well, as an adult adoptee, the first thing I can say is that you really can't understand what is going on in his head.

The reality is that his parents might not look for him.  But, what he needs to know is that they did the best thing they could do for him at the time.

And yes, there are times when people who are adopted feel abandoned by their birth parents... rejected... but, he has a adoptive family who waited for him for years and hoped and wished to have a baby.

The most annoying thing for me is when someone else knows I am adopted and talks about it all the time.  It's just the way it is.  If he chooses to hunt for them, so be it.  Unless he is having a hard time with it (to me it sounds as if YOU are the one having a hard time with it) then just leave it alone.

Answer 6

I have to tell you he may not want to talk about it with you at all, and he may not want your help. He may not even feel like contacting his b-parents. If he has a stable enough relsinship with his parents he may just say "live and let live."

I recently contacted my birthmom by accident for the first time(we've just been emailing each other). I just googled her name and found a profile on adoption.com.  I really dont care to talk about it with anyone else but her. It's my burden to bare, and non adpotees really don't understand. Its not one of those things where you can step in someones shoes. If he brings it up talk to him. But do not bring it up, dont ask how things are going, he will talk to whoever he wants to talk to when the time is right.

Answer 7

Growing up adopted is different for everybody.  I would suggest reading whatever books you can about adoption if you want to learn more about the experience of being adopted.  Don't wait for your boyfriend to bring the subject up, but don't push him too hard either.  

I very rarely ever talked about my adoption as a teenager.  I did think about it from time to time, but I thought that nobody would understand how I was feeling and what I was thinking, so I kept my thoughts to myself.  If someone who knew even just a little about the adoption experience had talked with me about my feelings (not TO me!), I might have opened up more.  But when I grew up, I was the only kid I knew who was adopted, so I just assumed that nobody would understand.  If he can see that you're trying to understand and be supportive, he might be willing to talk about his feelings with you.

But don't push him either.  Like I already said, everybody handles adoption differently.  If he doesn't want to talk about his feelings, don't take it personally. Everybody processes these feelings differently in their own time.  Let him know you want to be supportive, but if he doesn't want to talk about it, gently drop the subject.  He may not be ready to talk because he may not even understand his own feelings.   It's taken me a lifetime (so far) to understand my feelings about my adoption.  I understand things about my feelings about adoption now that I would never have been ready to think about when I was a teenager.