Questions from an adoptive Mom to those who would know.?

Question

Wow, I am reading some of the adoption posts and they are really intensely emotional. I am an adoptive Mom, before that I was a foster Mom for twelve years. I have two boys, ages are 6 years and 3 months. I love them both with all my heart. I think adoption is a beautiful thing, if done right, and with the best intentions on all sides. My eldest knows that he is adopted and he is very, very proud of it. He feels that he is special. If people don't agree with that, I would really like to understand more about why. He tells people that if you are pregnant you just have to keep the baby that the Dr. hands you, but if you are adopted, well, your Mom got to choose the best baby! We read stories about adoption, he has been back to see the hospital he was born in, and I took him to PA where his natural mom lives, so he would feel a connection to her. He wants to talk to her and tell her about himself, but she isn't at a point right now that she is able to do that. I am not sure what her reasons or situation is. Her and I set up an open adoption and I have honored that, however, she left a message telling me that she had changed her mind. I respect that and there is nothing I can do to alter it. When we moved I did email her just to give her our new info and to let her know that I still feel the same towards her and Saully having a relationship, and towards open adoption, if she feels like pursuing that.

The birthmom of my other son, emails about once every week or two, calls once a month or so and is planning to come visit us and stay for the September long weekend.

I will be honest. I always felt, and still do, really positive towards adoption, however, there is so much hurt, pain, anger and unhappiness in these postings that I feel quite upset right now.

I am NOT looking for any abuse! However, if you have any experience as a natural Mom or an adoptee and have knowledge, advice or an experience that you are willing to share, I would appreciate learning more. If you feel that something I am doing is not right, please, by all means, respectfully let me know, and why, or if you have any advice on something I should do but perhaps don't, I would love to hear it. The bottom line is I have already adopted these boys. I have made a committment, not only to them, but to their natural Moms and want the best for all involved. I have several friends who are adopted, two of whom have met their natural parents, one situation worked out the other didn't, and two who are just happy with themselves and adoptive families and feel complete. I will do anything in my power to make this a loving positive experience for all, I try very hard to do the right thing even when it very difficult.

I guess this isn't much of a question...just looking for feedback I guess. Sorry its so long.

Answer 1

All i can say to you is " You sound like a wonderfull mom......god bless your family"

Answer 2

Do not, for one instant, think that these people are representative of how people who were adopted feel.

They just aren't.

They're the craziest group of misfits I've ever come across.

Your child will be fine. Your family will be fine. That upsets them. I don't know why.

Oh, but do be very careful about the 'chosen child' thing. When I have more time I will start a thread about that for actual adoptive parents who want to have a productive dialog about something that actually has to do with adoption rather than silly temper tantrums.

In short, it is important that you do not place your child on a pedestal. While it seems positive, it actually can create immense pressure and feed into a scenario where the parent acts as some kind of savior by choosing the child. Also it's important to be very accurate about his adoption story and chances are that you really did not select him from a group of other babies.

Be well and enjoy your family. I know I am!

Answer 3

When I was a young girl, I believed my parents "chose the best" kid, too.  The reality is, they were on a list to adopt, I was available, and there you have it.  They didn't have much more choice in the matter than a person giving birth.  The only choice they had was to decline me and wait for who knows how long until they were matched with another available child.    

That said, people have not always been very aware that adopted kids have experienced a loss.  Some feel the affects of it more than others, but the loss itself absolutely occurred.  

Adopted people often don't know their own backgrounds, but would like to know.  There are those who would like to know their first families.  With open adoptions, this is less so than it used to be.  However, there are many, many adopted persons who know nothing of their own histories and background.

There is also still stigma attached to being adopted.  After all, the majority of adopted citizens are denied equal access to their own birth records.  They are the only citizens denied such.  This discrimination is based solely on the fact that they were adopted by someone, but that they were given up.  

One can have the very finest adoptive parents available.  One can be very happy within one's adoptive family, enjoying a good life.  It does not negate loss, questions and discrimination.  Those still exist.

BTW, I have to wonder just how happy and adjusted Ms. Sunshine is that she feels the need to be here with a presence so condescending, rude and judgmental.

Answer 4

I think that they way you are handling things are perfect. Although i did feel a little heartbroken when I read that one biological mom calls and visits and the other doens't. How do you handle that? It broke my heart.  

Answer 5

adoption CAN be a good thing-i am living proof. but i know plenty of people that cant say the same thing. the stories are awful, but honest and real depictions of what can happen.

i think you are making a serious effort to honor your sons roots, you are open and honest. most of all, you are living up to your end by keeping in contact with the bio-parents. although i dont know how you will deal with the hurt feelings later-one having contact with bios and one not. sooner or later i would think that may cause a problem.

just listen to the stories. read their words. these are real people with real pain. not all of them completely condemn adoption-they just want it done properly. no lies, OBC info, a right to know their roots. most of us are denied those simple things. and trust me-it can be damaging

Answer 6

Suzy: Your good experience and non-loss situation does not negate mine. My good experience and recognition of loss situation does not negate yours. Sound fair?

To answer the original poster....

As someone who used to think adoption was bunnies, sunshine and daisies, adoption certainly can be blessing. A mother cannot care for her child, so she relinquishes it to another person who wants to become a mother.

The thing is, no one wants to understand WHY a mother has to relinquish. No one wants to acknowledge that with some help, in SOME cases, a mother could have kept her child. No one wants to understand a mother that has relinquished.

"She couldn't care for the child. She was on drugs/unwed/alcoholic/financially poor, etc. She couldn't keep her child, so she gave it up. What's wrong with that?"

I once posted a question on here asking: If you had a magic wand and you could go back in time to make it possible for the bio mom to raise her child - would you?

Quite a few people automatically jumped in with "NO! They're MY child!" and some other responses ranged to, "How much more insulting could you be?"

Yet it reveals a lot about some people on here, the way they automatically jump to the defensive. Are they willing to give so little credit to the woman who actually made it possible for them to have a child in the first place?

I'm not saying adopted people can't ever be happy (contrary to what Suzy Sunshine will tell you about us) and I'm certainly not suggesting that there's a lifelong trauma involved.

But I am saying is that adoption is just not as black-and-white as people on here would like to believe.

Answer 7

My step mother was adopted at birth she is a twin but her mom that adopted her did not decide to take her brother also because there was another couple involved with wanting him.. It was  an open adoption and she has never spoken with her biological mother and she does not get depressed or even worry about ever meeting her because she loves her life the way it is and she loves her family and now my uncle ( her biological twin) Comes to visit for holidays and at random times because they met a long time ago and they are close and they keep in touch a lot. She does know who her dad is also but as she knows he is not a very good person she does not contact him either.

You said you was looking for feedback well she has been in my life since I was to young to remember and we have talked about it a lot she said she respects her biological mother because without her then she wouldn't be blessed with such an amazing mother now.

Her brother has also never came in contact with their biological mother and they both have turned out successful and happy and have their own families.  She is a Child Social Worker for the state of kentucky now.

I am sure everything will turn out for you and your kids will love you no matter what you done a wonderful thing and I really hope all yours and their dreams come true.

Answer 8

I've tried to tell bits of my story on here, with plenty of abuse for thanks.  Instead, I will simply point you to some very good reading on the subject:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

Answer 9

I think one of the hardest things for ANY parent is the realization that you cannot protect your kids from everything...even if you want to or try to.  

Time changes many things, often with unexpected results.